


Take Me Back to the Night We Met

by bringcolourtomyskies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bottom Keith, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, I deleted the first bc I wasn’t satisfied, M/M, SHEITH - Freeform, Second attempt at a voltron fic, Top Shiro, anywayyy, but mostly Keith whump, despite all that was left out, everyone is kinda soft, except Haggar fuck her, he deserves more recognition and respect, hunk is soft, i thought season 7 was ok, idk if I’m including smut or not but if I do that’s fyi, it was very fun to watch still, lance is a good boi, mostly canon-compliant, probably not after season 8, sheith is so good ahhh, shiro whump, this is so self-indulgent but they’re all pretty in character imo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-06-27 08:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15682008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringcolourtomyskies/pseuds/bringcolourtomyskies
Summary: “The doctors say you’re physically fine, too.” Said Allura hopefully, smiling. “That’s a relief, we were so worried about you.”“Yeah,” Lance chuckled, “especially Keith.”“Keith?” Shiro lifted an eyebrow in confusion. “Who’s Keith?”————————————————-Or…Shiro meets Keith all over again, and falls head over heels.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Like I said in the tags, I posted a Voltron fic before, but I deleted it after 2 chapters bc I didn’t like it. I think I’ll enjoy writing this one. Anyway, I kinda fast-forwarded through a lot of the action scenes; I really just wanted to focus on Keith’s feelings for Shiro. It’s canon-compliant as of now, but probs not after S8 lol.  
> (Btw, don’t get worried about the Klance interactions, they’re just good friends! I think Lance is a good leader and friend and needs more sceentime being the soft boi he is)  
> Enjoy!

The witch’s hatred for Keith truly ran deep. Keith was well aware, after a couple of face-offs with Haggar (or rather, her robeasts) since Earth’s liberation, that she didn’t merely intend to kill Keith or Shiro, as she did the other paladins. Ever since her humiliation when Keith defeated Kuro, she’s had a personal vendetta against the both of them. She wanted to see them suffer. She wanted Shiro to spend all eternity as her champion, killing and slaughtering and maiming until it was first nature to him, until he was unrecognizable, both mentally and physically. She wanted to replace his body parts one by one with Galra prosthetics until he was an unstoppable tool of death. She wanted Keith to see it all, to live out the rest of his days chained up at her feet, slowly slipping into insanity as he watched everything he loved fade away as if it never existed. Keith knew this because Haggar had told him herself, on the day that she implemented phase one of her sadistic plan.

Earth had been operating as an intergalactic stronghold against the Galra for nearly six months. Just long enough for the planet to begin to stabilize and recover from the Galran reign. The witch had sent two more robeasts in that time, both of which had been defeated with the joint efforts of Voltron, Atlas, and the fighter pilots. The Garrison now housed three Alteans with little to no memories of their lives before they’d been pried from the chests of the robeasts. They’d all been drained and weak; it’d been clear that Haggar had found a way to convert their quintessence into power sources for the robeasts.

They began to grow relatively comfortable. Earth was more or less safe; they managed to thwart every robeast attack with no casualties. They fell into an easy routine. That was before Shiro and the latest Altean had vanished overnight, using a Garrison shuttle pod to make their getaway.

Six months, Keith had gotten with Shiro. Six beautiful, perfect, wonderful months, Keith spent with Shiro and the others on Earth, growing more hopeful for the end of the war with each passing day. Krolia and Kolivan were the leaders of the Blade of Marmora, and had found a good amount of blade members. Allura, Coran, and Romelle had only just gotten used to Earth, had taken to calling it ‘home’, as had many other displaced refugee species. Pidge and Matt were operations officers of the rebel coalition. Hunk and Lance got to rebuild relationships with their families, and finally got promoted to officers, gaining the recognition and respect they deserved. Shiro had become the esteemed captain of the Altlas, and he’d made great progress in recovering from the loss of Adam. He and Keith had been closer than ever, and Keith had even begun to grow hopeful that Shiro had feelings for him, as he’d had for the other for years.

The witch ruined it all.

They didn’t even have security footage to go off of; the Altean had fried the cameras’ power sources. No one knew whether Shiro left willingly, or if the Altean had kidnapped him, or if someone had kidnapped them both….

The others weren’t doing well with Shiro’s disappearance, but Keith was a mess. Shiro was the one person who’d always been there for him, completely selflessly. He kept leaving him, and it was starting to put a strain on Keith’s permanent mental state. He’d frantically tried to use communications and tracking to find Shiro and neither had been successful. He’d tried to take the Black Lion into space after him, but the lion’s particle barrier refused to allow him through, which it hadn’t done since before the fight against Zarkon all those years ago. He’d tried to make off with a shuttle pod as well, but he’d been caught, and had been dragged away, kicking and screaming. They’d had to lock him in a stone room in the Garrison. He’d been given a couple hours to cool down, then his friends -the other four paladins - had been allowed in to speak to him, to try to talk him down. It had taken some convincing for Keith to calm down and approach the problem logically, but none of them faulted him. They all knew how much Shiro meant to him.

“He wouldn’t have left willingly,” Keith insisted, “not without telling me.”

“We know, Keith.” Hunk said gently, lifting his arms in a placating gesture.

“We’re going to find him.” Pidge said, hesitantly taking his hand, then squeezing it tight when he showed no resistance. “We always do.”

Allura stepped forward, her face set in determination. “He would never give up on us. We aren’t giving up on him.”

Keith had calmed down considerably, but his thoughts were still spastic with worry. He still felt like a flight risk, even to himself.

“Guys,” Lance said quietly, “can I talk to Keith for a minute?”

The others glanced at Keith solemnly, then nodded and stepped out, allowing them some privacy. Keith heaved a weary sigh, crossing his arms.

“Lance, I get that you’re pissed at me for trying to leave without you guys, but -“

“I’m not mad.” Lance interrupted. He crossed his arms too, tapping his finger on his elbow and contemplating what to say. Keith quirked an eyebrow in surprise; he’d expected Lance to knock some sense into him. He knew he probably deserved it. Finally, Lance uncrossed his arms and leaned against the wall, sliding down it to sit on the floor. Keith eyed him scrupulously before copying him on the opposite wall.

“We’ve been on Earth too long.” Lance began, once again surprising Keith. He’d missed Earth the most of any of them. “What I mean is: we’re a little out of touch. You were a great leader, Keith, in space, and while freeing Earth. But… Voltron hasn’t really been Voltron in a while. Not like it was. I guess I’m trying to tell you that you can’t forget the progress you made. We’re still your team, Keith. You have to trust us. We’re scared, too. The others - Pidge, Hunk, Allura - and me, we all need you to stay focused. Shiro needs you to stay focused. The best way you can help him is to keep being the leader I know you’re capable of being, the one that Shiro taught you to be. We’ll find him together, Keith. Just like we overcome every obstacle.”

Keith felt frustrated wetness gathering in his eyes, but he refused to let it fall. He knew Lance was right. Damn it. When had he become more than an occasionally useful pain in the neck?

“You can’t act like this in front of them.” Lance continued. “Not just them, but the whole Garrison. A lot of people look up to you, Keith. Senior officers look up to you. If you can’t keep a level head, then they won’t be able to, either. I know it sucks, but you have to hold your head high and put on a show for them. That’s the burden of leadership.”

Keith continued to frown at the ceiling, but Lance’s words were hitting home. 

“I don’t think I’ve told you,” Keith said after a long moment, “but you’re a great second in command. I do trust you, Lance. You and all the others. I shouldn’t have made you feel otherwise. I’m sorry.”

Lance popped up at that, donning a smug grin, “No biggie, I do what’s gotta be done. Just my paladin-ly duties.” Keith knew that Lance was acting like his usual dorky self in an attempt at comfort, and he appreciated it, but it didn’t give him much comfort. He needed to be out there looking for Shiro. He swiped quickly at his eyes with his sleeve, then picked himself up and squared his jaw.

“Thank you, Lance. I mean it. Now let’s get to work.”

————————————————

And so they did. For the next couple of weeks, under Keith’s guidance, the Garrison and the rebels scoured the known universe for any sign of Shiro, or the pod, or Haggar, or displaced Alteans. It was hard work, many sleepless nights, and a lot of disappointment. But Keith took Lance’s words to heart and did what Shiro wanted and needed him to do. He was sharp and focused and strong whenever anyone was watching. He only cried alone between the hours of work and of fitful sleep, leaning against the particle barrier of the Black Lion. A few times, Lance would show up with some food or just his company, and Keith, despite their difficulties in past years, knew that he could drop his stony façade around Lance. Every leader needed someone to drop the act with, and Keith’s usual confidant… was lost. Lance had become a good friend.

Half a month passed before their hard work paid off. Keith and Lance were leaning against the barrier of the Black Lion one night, when it vanished out from under them, and they landed on their backs with surprised “oomph!”s. Their wide eyes met briefly, and Keith’s gaze flickered up to his lion.

“Are you gonna go?” Lance asked.

Keith bit his lip, contemplating his waiting lion, then shook his head decisively. “No. Not yet, at least. We need to communicate with the Garrison first. Can you round up the team and have them meet us in the board room?”

Lance grinned. “On it,” he said, then stood and tore off in the direction of the barracks.

Keith looked at the infinitely star-filled sky. “I’m coming, Shiro.” He promised, then picked himself up and made to find Iverson to find out what development had occurred that Black thought it was finally time for him to leave.

———————————————

“Your diligence has paid off, Kogane. The Blade of Marmora has located the abandoned pod. Shirogane can’t be far.”

———————————————

“We haven’t been in a space fight in a while.” Lance commented on the right flank.

“We haven’t been in space in a while.” Hunk added from the left, sounding nauseous. In his defense, they were traveling at warp speed in their lions.

“Yes,” Agreed Allura, “it’s been almost six pheebs since we’ve left inner space.”

“Guys, we spent years in outer space, remember?” Said Pidge, a shrug in her voice. “We’re fine. Besides, who knows? We might not have to fight anyone.”

“There’ll be a fight,” Keith assured her, “the witch has him, I know it. We have to go in this with the mindset that we’re up for one of the most intense fights of our lives.”

There was an uncomfortable silence on the comms. Then Pidge breathed, “Oh.”

“Look, I know it’s not ideal,” said Keith, gritting his teeth, “but it’s Shiro we’re fighting for. We have to win. We don’t have a choice.”

The silence of the comms was bridled with doubt.

“Keith is right.” Allura finally said. “Shiro - all of you - stormed Zarkon’s central command to save me. He would’ve done it for any of you, too. We must fight with the same perseverance for him.”

There was no breathing room for this fight. Nearly a year ago, just one Druid had come close to taking out the entire team. Now, they’d be facing off against dozens, including their master. Hunk seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“Didn’t one Druid, like, almost wipe out the Blade? And we’re facing a bunch… Not saying we shouldn’t save Shiro, but shouldn’t we make some sort of plan? I mean, what if it’s a trap? How are we gonna beat that many Druids when we almost didn’t beat just one?”

Keith could feel the others’ gazes on him. Clenching his jaw, he turned on the video feed, streaming to the other paladins. “This time, we have two things we didn’t have last time: Voltron, and the proper motivation. I have a plan, team, but there’s no time to discuss it. I need you all to trust me, alright?”

“Roger that.” Said Lance.

“Ten-four.” Said Hunk.

“Gotcha.”

“Understood.”

“Good.” said Keith, leaning forward in his seat to turn off the video feed. “Get ready, team, coming up on the coordinates in a couple dobashes.”

———————————————

The coordinates led them to the abandoned pod, which they used the last locked-onto coordinates of to find where the witch was keeping Shiro. It was clear that it hadn’t been a trap after all, that Haggar and the Druids hadn’t expected to be found. Still, even with the element of surprise, the Druids were extremely difficult to defeat. Luckily, there were only a dozen or so aboard the Galra ship, and the others kept them busy while Pidge made sure they couldn’t call for help and Keith went in search of Haggar, the biggest threat.

When Keith found her, she gave him a hell of a fight, even with him in his lion. It reminded Keith of when he’d been an amateur and tried to take on Zarkon on his own. If the Druids hadn’t been distracted and the robot sentries not shut down, Keith wouldn’t have been able to survive, much less hold his own. Through goading throughout the fight, Keith managed to extract some information from her: she’d relocated Lotor’s colony of Alteans and was harvesting their quintessence. Some, she used for her experiments, like the robeasts.

Eventually, Keith had to exit his lion to battle her face to face, and there was one terrifying moment when she’d beaten him to his knees. She’d yanked his hair back, forcing him to make eye contact with her, and that’s when she’d told him. What she wanted to do to him and Shiro. It gave Keith a sick feeling about what might’ve been happening to Shiro over the past weeks, and he had to resist the urge to vomit. Before she could deliver a deadly strike unto Keith, she reared back, dodging a beam from above. Keith looked up - it was the Green Lion, and the others were joining it. They’d defeated the Druids.

Haggar, recognizing defeat, glared at Keith, and he glared back, pushing himself off the ground. 

“I’ll admit, Red Paladin, that I didn’t inflict near as much damage on your precious Shiro as I’d have liked. Even so, you can have him back as is. It’s enough damage for you.”

And with one last cackle, she shimmered and vanished. Keith tried not to feel too disappointed that she lived; the main objective was to free her prisoners - namely, Shiro. Keith made his way to his lion. 

“Pidge, have you located the prisoners?” He asked through gritted teeth, trembling with rage and fear at the thought of what type of damage she’d inflicted upon Shiro. ‘Enough damage for you,’ she’d said. What was that supposed to mean?

“I think so. Follow me!”

Pidge led them to the prisoner hold, which, once they’d created an entrance to, was a sad and startling sight to behold. Ten or so terrified and traumatized Alteans were crammed into a few cells, some battered and unconscious, some looking like they faced the gallows. And in a cell of his own, unconscious on the grimy floor, was Shiro.

Keith leapt from his lion in a blind panic, using his bayard to slice his way in. “Shiro!” He shouted, skidding to his knees and tugging the larger man into his arms. He scanned over Shiro’s form, but there didn’t appear to be any of the physical horrors that Haggar had threatened. But his mind…? It couldn’t be too bad. She hadn’t had him that long, Keith told himself.

“Shiro!” He said loudly, shaking him frantically. “Shiro, wake up, please! Shiro!”

It took Keith a few moments to realize that someone was calling his name, too. It was Pidge. “We don’t have time, the ship’s systems are back up and there’ll be reinforcements coming any minute!”

Hunk ran to Keith’s side, helping him haul up Shiro’s limp form and carry him to the Black Lion. There were two shaken Alteans already in it. Keith lowered Shiro to the floor as gently as he could while in a haste.

“Look after him, please,” Keith said to the wide-eyed Alteans, “just until we’re in the clear.”

One of them had the presence of mind to nod and crouch down to tend to Shiro. Partially relieved, Keith hopped into his pilot’s seat, took a deep breath, and remembered his and Lance’s conversation weeks ago. He swallowed down his panic and anger and grabbed hold of his toggles. “I’m secure. Everyone?”

“Red Lion, secure.” Said Lance, panting with exertion.

“Blue Lion, secure.” 

“Yellow Lion, secure.”

Keith waited a beat. “Green Lion?”

No reply.

“Pidge!” Keith called.

“Sorry, I - one of my passengers is freaking out, I - I don’t know what to do! She doesn’t want to get in the lion!”

“Pidge, you have to secure her!” Said Keith urgently. “An incapacitated Altean is better than a dead one, do you understand?”

“I - I’m -“

“Pidge!”

There was a moment of quiet, then a dull thud. Seconds later, Pidge, sounding startled, said, “Green Lion, secure.”

“Let’s go!” Keith yelled, punching the throttle.

———————————————

The journey home felt much longer than the journey there, though it couldn’t have lasted more than a couple of vargas. Once Keith was sure they weren’t being pursued, he told Lance to lead the formation, put his lion on autopilot, and checked on Shiro.

“H-He seems healthy,” said the male Altean, who seemed much more lucid than the girl, “just exhausted. There’s no telling what kind of experiments the witch was preforming on him.”

Keith checked all his vitals anyway, and found the Altean to be correct. Resolved that he’d just have to wait for Shiro to wake to find out if he was really okay, Keith talked to the Altean. Maybe he could offer some insight as to what might’ve happened.

“I am Tokkan.” the boy introduced. “The girl, she is my friend Fenilla. Or… she was. The more the witch experimented on her, the more her consciousness slipped away. She does not realize much of what is around her anymore.”

Keith glanced at Fenilla, who was hugging her knees on the floor, repeating something quietly in Altean. 

“We are Voltron.” Keith said, well aware that it was likely that none of the Alteans had ever heard of Voltron. “We fight against the Galra Empire - evil people like the witch, Haggar - and for the freedom of the universe. My name is Keith. We’re taking you to a safe place, and we’ll do our best to help you and the rest of your people.”

Tokkan smiled weakly. During the ride to Earth, the boy told Keith about Haggar’s manipulation of the Altean colony. How they worshipped her, and to be ‘taken on as one of her apprentices’ was considered a high honor. None of the ‘apprentices’ were ever heard from again, and Tokkan discovered why when he himself was selected and was taken as a prisoner aboard that ship with the others, awaiting experimentation. Luckily for him, he’d only been there for one night before Voltron rescued them.

“Fenilla was taken almost a phoebe before me.” Tokkan said sadly.

Keith did some quick math. If Shiro had been gone half as long as Fenilla, that meant he was half as damaged. That wasn’t very hopeful, considering she was still rocking in a corner, whispering in a foreign tongue. Not to mention that Haggar held a grudge against Shiro. But… people could gain their sanity back, Keith had seen it before. He’d just have to stick by Shiro’s side, and he’d be okay. He had to be.

——————————————

“Galaxy Garrison, this is Officer Kogane of the Voltron paladins, five lions requesting permission to land.”

“Roger that, Officer Kogane. Permission granted.”

———————————————

As soon as the lions’ jaws opened, medical teams rushed in to help. Keith only focused on one patient.

———————————————

Five paladins and Coran stood nervously around a prone form in a hospital bed. It had been hours since they’d made it back to Earth, and the doctors said Shiro could regain consciousness any minute. Physically, he was fine. The rest remained to be seen.

The room’s occupants absentmindedly watched the TV, sneaking frequent glances at Shiro, hoping to see him sitting up and well. It finally happened just after nightfall.

A weak groan that had them all whipping around. Then, “Coran? Uh, a little personal space please?”

“Oh! Right.” Said Coran, who’d been studying Shiro rather closely. He retreated a few steps. Everyone continued to hold their breath.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Pidge asked.

Shiro hummed, his throat raspy. Hunk, who was closest, passed him the cup of water on his bedside. Shiro downed it in seconds.

“Thanks, Hunk. The Altean girl from the latest robeast… she’d gone all blank. Like she didn’t know what she was doing. She attacked me; she must’ve knocked me out. I woke up as a prisoner. Haggar… she used some kind of powers on me. She seemed to think whatever she was doing was going to make me miserable, but I feel fine.”

“So,” Keith cleared his throat, and Shiro turned to face him, his expression strange. “So, you’re not… insane?”

Shiro frowned thoughtfully. “No, I feel the same as when I left. I’m not sure what she did to me, but I’m sane.”

“The doctors say you’re physically fine, too.” Said Allura hopefully, smiling. “That’s a relief, we were so worried about you.”

“Yeah,” Lance chuckled, “especially Keith.”

“Keith?” Shiro lifted an eyebrow in confusion. “Who’s Keith?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro doesn’t trust Keith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an angsty chapter. Lotta Keith whump. Bc of that, it’s also pretty short compared to what I normally write. Don’t wanna draw out the suffering too long!

Keith’s been dragged through the mud his whole life, and it seems like the older he gets, the more mud there is. But through all of it, after his only family died, he had Shiro. Shiro had been thought dead, and missing, and actually dead, and forced to try to kill him, but at least through all of that, they still held one another in their hearts. That’s what had lasted them through all these awful and wonderful years. Keith relied on that. That’s why, when Shiro said ‘Who’s Keith?’ It felt as though Keith’s oxygen had been stolen.

Keith took a hesitant step towards the bed, but froze when Shiro’s gaze turned on him, pinning him.

“Shiro?” He asked, desperately hoping to see a smidgeon of recognition in those eyes. There was none. 

“Are you Keith?” Shiro asked, tilting his head.

He barely registered the others’ sharp intakes of breath over the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears. “Shiro, it’s me. It’s Keith.”

Shiro glanced at the others, silently asking for an explanation. When he got only horrified stares, he looked at Keith again. There was no depth to his expression when he did. “Sorry, but I don’t know you.”

The words almost physically hurt, like a punch to the diaphragm. Keith was struck silent. If he weren’t forcing himself to breathe, he wouldn’t be.

Lance stepped forward hesitantly. “Shiro, you’ve known Keith way longer than you’ve known any of us. You knew him for years before Kerberos.”

Shiro ogled at Lance like he’d grown a second head. His eyes flitted to the others’ faces, confirming that they all believed it to be true. “I’ve never met this man.” He insisted.

“Keith pilots the Black Lion,” said Allura, her tone unusually light, “he has ever since your clone attacked us.”

Shiro looked at Keith again, and the blatant distrust in his eyes felt like a slap across the face. “That’s not possible. I never stopped piloting the Black Lion, not until we activated Atlas.”

Keith gulped. “Shiro, please. You can’t forget me. Come on, you know me. Don’t let the witch do this.”

But Shiro’s expression only soured. “This has to be one of Haggar’s tricks. There was never another black paladin. Don’t trust him.”

Keith stumbled back.

“Shiro!” Allura gasped, “Think about what you’re saying!”

“I am,” said Shiro, glaring at Keith. “Haggar’s got magic, she’s been doing these experiments. She must’ve sent him here to infiltrate Voltron. He’s altered your memories or something. We have to contain him.”

Keith vaguely registered the others protesting - he felt dizzy, his heart was pumping too hard, and his chest constricted painfully. He darted into the bathroom an emptied his stomach’s contents into the toilet.

——————————————

Because everyone in the Garrison refused, Shiro dropped the idea of putting Keith under containment. As far as Shiro was concerned, he was still the leader of Voltron and Keith was an intruder, not to be trusted. Keith didn’t argue with him; he didn’t have the energy to. He couldn’t hold a conversation with Shiro and watch him look at and speak to him like a stranger. However, little as Keith wanted it, Shiro insisted. He felt that if Keith couldn’t be safely locked away, then it was his responsibility to follow him around to make sure he couldn’t do shady things when the others weren’t looking. He used this time with Keith to try to extract information from him. After only a few days, Keith was wearing thin. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take, but the doctors said that Shiro’s memory could come back, and the more time he spent with Keith, the more likely it was. 

Shiro grudgingly sat next to Keith in the chow hall and spoke to him. It was breakfast time, just days after Shiro’s release from the hospital.

“People tell me we’re close.” Shiro said, but Keith could tell he didn’t believe it. The other man’s shoulders were hunched and he wore a suspicious scowl.

“We were.” Said Keith quietly, only indulging Shiro in this conversation in the hopes that it might trigger his memory. “I was an orphan. No one cared what happened to me. You took me under your wing. Got me into the Garrison.”

Keith poked at his food with his fork, unable to actually eat anything. He felt as though he were talking to a ghost.

“Why are you doing this?” Shiro asked, glowering at Keith with something akin to disgust. Keith assumed he meant ‘posing as someone I’m supposed to care about and lying to everyone’.

“I’m not doing anything, Shiro.” Keith said tiredly. “I told you the truth. There’s no way your memories could make sense without me in them. How do you think we formed Voltron while you piloted the Atlas?”

Shiro opened his mouth to argue, but at that moment, the bell chimed, signaling the start of the cadets’ classes. Keith stood, picking up his untouched tray of food. “C’mon, Shiro. We have a meeting with the coalition leaders.”

——————————————

Shiro had made an attempt at subtlety, but Iverson hadn’t. His voice carried into the board room from the hallway.

“I said no, Captain Shirogane. He has the full trust of the board. He’ll be attending this meeting.”

Keith didn’t watch as the two entered the room. He already knew what Shiro’s face would look like: taut with a frustrated scowl. He’d direct it at Keith. Keith didn’t want to see everyone else’s sympathetic gazes either, so he clenched his fists tight in his lap and looked at the blank board instead. He felt a minute gust of air as Shiro took the seat next to him.

Last month, Shiro sat next to him because his proximity reassured him. Now, Shiro sat next to him to keep an eye on him.

With Shiro and Iverson joining them, the meeting commenced. Matt and Pidge stood before the board. Keith was grateful that Pidge, at least, didn’t openly pity him. Her expression was neutral and focused.

“Matt and I believe we’ve located the Altean colony.” Said Pidge. Matt uploaded a file onto the screen with an array of graphs and charts. “We’ve picked up some kind of anomaly near the Onipiary Sector. There’s a source exuding a lot of power, more than any Galra ship or weapon. The power signature is nearly identical to that of Princess Allura’s, which is what leads us to think it’s the lost Altean colony, or at least part of it. The Blade of Marmora has sent a team to scout the area, but they won’t engage without backup.”

Keith sat up, unclenching his fists. “So that means Voltron is needed. We’ll be on standby when they finish scouting.”

The other paladins nodded. Keith heard Shiro shift next to him. As far as Shiro knew, he was still the leader of Voltron. The paladins following Keith bothered him immensely, but he kept quiet for the sake of civility.

“If it is the Altean colony, we’ll need an evacuation plan.” Piped up one of the Generals, a blue-skinned alien with black eyes. “The only vessel we possess capable of an evacuation of that magnitude is the Atlas.”

“Shiro,” said Hunk, concerned, “are you up for piloting so soon after…?”

“Captain Shirogane is suffering from memory alteration.” Iverson said before Shiro could respond. “I’m not confident in his piloting skills at the time being.”

Shiro brought a fist down on the table, outraged. “You can’t bench me because of that boy. That’s exactly what the witch wants! We’d be playing right into her hands!”

Keith felt his chest tighten. ‘That boy.’ That’s all he was to Shiro now.

“Shiro, calm down.” Allura admonished gently.

“I won’t.” Shiro stated firmly. “I won’t allow him to lead you all into a blood bath while I sit here and watch. If he’s going, I’m going.”

There was a tense silence throughout the room. Keith caught Lance’s eye, saw the sympathy and worry he was feeling. All the paladins were looking at Keith. They needed his guidance. Keith bit his lip, growling inwardly, then stood up. All eyes turned to him.

“Officer Kogane?” Iverson prompted.

Keith looked past Shiro purposefully. “I vouch for Captain Shirogane. If Voltron is to go on this mission, I want him piloting the Atlas.”

The board didn’t have a choice. They needed Voltron for this mission, and Keith was the one who decided what Voltron did or didn’t do. If he wanted Shiro to pilot, they had to let Shiro pilot.

——————————————

It was dinner time. Keith had opted to skip lunch; he’d had no appetite. He still didn’t, but the others would notice if Keith stopped eating altogether. He found himself surrounded by each of the paladins instead of only Shiro for dinners, which was only slightly better. Their conversations were forced and terse. They tried very hard to veer around the elephant in the room because it only hurt Keith to unsuccessfully try to convince Shiro that they’d known each other for years.

“Food’s good tonight.” Lance offered weakly.

“Mm, yes.” Allura agreed. “Curry is one of the human dishes that I hadn’t tried yet, up until tonight. The flavor is very strong.”

Pidge sighed and stirred her straw in her drink, clearly not up for pretending.

“My gran gran makes the best curry.” Said Hunk. “Whenever I tried to make it, it didn’t turn out, though. I’ll talk to Gladyce after chow, give it another shot. I’ve always loved Thai food.”

Gladyce being an old lady who was the head cook of the Garrison’s kitchen - one of Hunk’s new best friends.

Pidge sighed again.

“Keith,” said Shiro, pulling Keith out of his food-poking stupor, “can I have a word with you?”

Keith tried to reign in his apprehension, hoping it didn’t show on his face. The others looked at Keith warily, not sure if they should allow Shiro to lead Keith away on his own. Keith couldn’t blame them for worrying; he wouldn’t be surprised if Shiro tried to punch him, but he wouldn’t seriously hurt him. Keith knew that. He silently signaled the others not to interfere, then nodded and followed Shiro outside the chow hall and into a small grassy area with a bench and no one else’s ears around. Shiro took a seat on the bench, posture stiff and alert. Keith remained standing and crossed his arms tightly over his chest, almost hugging himself.

“What are you playing at?” Shiro asked, glaring up at Keith.

“Nothing.” Keith replied in a hollow voice. It’d do him no good to explain that he actually cared about Shiro.

“Why did you vouch for me at the meeting? You want me to be there when you find whatever the source of that power surge is. Why?”

Keith frowned, studying the tenseness of Shiro’s muscles. He thought Keith was leading him into a trap. In truth, there were many reasons Keith wanted Shiro to go on the mission, but he decided to shorten his response.

“You’re the best pilot in the Garrison. If Voltron is to stand any chance of defeating Haggar and her Druids, you need to be fighting by our side. We can’t do it without you.”

His words only made Shiro scowl even more. “So you’re not going to try to hand me over to Haggar the second you get the chance?” Shiro asked with a raised brow, clearly unwilling to believe Keith if he said ‘no.’

“I just rescued you from Haggar,” Keith said instead, going for reason rather than telling Shiro that he could never do that because he loved him. “Why would I want to give you back?”

Shiro still looked disbelieving. “The witch is a master of mind tricks. This whole situation, it’s her doing. That’s at least something both of us can agree on. But I swear that if you put my friends in danger out there, I can and will take you out without hesitation.”

Shiro locked eyes with him, conveying his seriousness with all the hostility he could muster. And Keith couldn’t help it, the words cut him deeply, so he spat back, “Wouldn’t be the first time you tried to kill me and failed.”

Keith was finished with this conversation. Shiro could interpret that comment however he wanted to. Right now, Keith needed to find somewhere open and private and just scream until he couldn’t scream anymore.

——————————————

Keith had done exactly that. Now, he lay on the floor of his lion in the middle of the desert, throat raw and dried tears on his face. It was just too unfair. Shiro had been taken from him for the upteenth time, and he’d fought tooth and nail to get him back, only to have himself plucked from his memory. Next time Keith saw the witch, she was going to die. She’d signed her own death warrant.

Keith was interrupted in contemplating how he’d kill Haggar when he heard a distant buzz, growing louder by the second. He glanced through the lion’s eyes and saw a hoverbike approaching. His first thought - with some annoyance - was that one of the others was coming to check on him, probably to try to talk to him about Shiro. But as Keith stood and looked closer at the well-muscled form on the bike wearing no helmet, he saw that it was Shiro himself.

“Let him in.” He said to Black, voice hoarse from screaming and crying. Black bowed and opened her jaw, and Keith watched Shiro stop the bike, look up at Black for a moment, then approach until he was out of Keith’s sight. A few ticks passed, and Keith heard quiet footsteps behind him.

“Do you want to kill me?” He asked, not turning around.

He heard some shuffling, then a deep sigh. “No. I… I think I may have been treating you unfairly.”

At that, Keith faced Shiro, letting him see his puffy eyes and defeated expression. Shiro was still stoic and uncomfortable.

“What makes you say that?”

Shiro rubbed the back of his neck and took a seat on the ledge near the back wall. Keith crossed his arms defensively over his chest, mimicking their positions from earlier that day.

“Like I said, Haggar is a master of mind tricks. There are a few Alteans back at the base with no memory, and some of them think they’re things that they’re not. If you really do have memories of my clone, you’ll know that the clone thought he was me the whole time. And he had feelings, too. I remember them. He didn’t know that he was doing Haggar’s bidding until she took control of him. My point is: I don’t think you belong here, but that doesn’t make you evil. Maybe you’re aware that you’re Haggar’s tool. But from the way you act with me and the others, I think you don’t know. I think you think you’re telling the truth. I still don’t trust you, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.”

Shiro looked at the floor once he’d finished, which shocked Keith. For days, every moment that Keith had spent in Shiro’s vicinity was filled with Shiro’s disapproving stare, not willing to take his eyes off Keith for more than a second lest he do something evil. Now, completely alone with Keith in the cockpit of his lion, Shiro wasn’t looking at him, was exposing the back of his neck. He was giving him a chance. A sob escaped Keith before he could stop it, and the noise startled Shiro into looking at him again, this time in confusion. For the first time in days, it was an expression that wasn’t hostile. Keith clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle his crying and sank to the floor, shoulders shaking. Shiro was looking quite startled; he clearly hadn’t expected this reaction. He almost seemed concerned for Keith.

“Are you, um, okay?” He asked hesitantly.

Keith nodded weakly, because he was. He could deal with this, he could focus on trying to fix this, as long as Shiro wasn’t glaring at him like he’d done something terrible and spitting venomous words at him during every conversation. Tentative, non-hostile Shiro was much, much better. He could do this. This was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh poor Keith! But honestly, poor Shiro, too. It’ll get better for them soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings don’t go away when memories do, and James is confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the amazing response so far, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so many kudos so fast and I’m loving the comments!
> 
> Since I last updated this, VLD writers said that Sheith can be interpreted as brotherly or romantically, which gives me life. You can imagine which one I picked :-)
> 
> Anddd this chapter is also on the short side. It’s because I don’t like writing filler, and the next part I want to write about takes place while on the mission, but I want to wait until the start of the next chapter for the mission launch. I know, excuses excuses. Hope you enjoy!

After the moment between Keith and Shiro in the Black Lion, coping became easier for Keith. Shiro still treated him like a stranger, but a normal one, not an evil one. His friends stopped walking on eggshells around him. The next day, Matt received word from the Blade that their scouts had reported witnessing the colony of Alteans on a dwarf planet in the Onipiary sector, which was heavily guarded by ships and weapons that looked like Galra tech, but hadn’t been seen before. It was time to plan the mission.

Their friends weren’t the only ones who noticed the difference in the way that Shiro treated Keith. The coalition leaders seemed greatly relieved that Shiro wasn’t kicking up a fight against Keith’s presence. Iverson, for one, voiced his thoughts on the matter, which wasn’t unusual for him: “Finally got over your fever dream, eh, Captain Shirogane?” He joked, which made Keith a tad uncomfortable. He felt that for what Shiro was going through, he was acting pretty logically. Keith kept that opinion to himself.

The majority of the meeting was spent discussing when to launch the mission. Their civilization was advanced enough now that it no longer took years to assemble a space mission, but they still needed time. The problem was that the longer they waited, the more the Alteans suffered at Haggar’s hand. They needed to maximize their preparation time and at the same time minimize it around a number of factors, one being that even with the Atlas’s speed capabilities, it would take a month to reach the Onipiary Sector. The final decision was that the mission would launch in just over two weeks, and there was a lot of work to be done.

———————————————

For the most part, aside from mealtimes and important meetings, Shiro kept his distance from Keith. He knew that being close to Keith caused him pain. Shiro still didn’t believe that they’d ever known each other before a week ago, but he did think that Keith believed it, so he did his best not to do anything that would be hurtful to him. However, he did stick around to supervise his training with the other paladins, which Keith couldn’t fault him for. But watching them fly the lions together, forming Voltron together, there was no way Shiro couldn’t see the chemistry between the team. That Keith truly had been flying and fighting alongside them for years. At least, that’s what he’d hoped, but he supposed it was too much to ask for. Whenever he’d execute a difficult maneuver, he’d glance down at the dot that was Shiro on the ground below, hoping that it would trigger a memory. It never did.

After a week of this, roughly one week before the mission launch, Shiro, dressed in his paladin armor for the first time in many months, pulled Keith to the side before their training session commenced.

Keith, brows high in surprise, tugged off his helmet and waited for Shiro’s explanation. Shiro waited until the others were out of earshot, on their way to their lions, before speaking.

“Could I ride in Black with you?” He asked without preamble, though it seemed to pain him to have to ask to ride in his own lion. “There’s something I want to see about.”

Shiro’s expression was thoughtful, but Keith didn’t detect any suspicion, so he gave him a hesitant smile. “Uh, sure. I was wondering why you were wearing your armor. Let’s go.”

Keith put his helmet back on, as did Shiro, and the two of them jogged to catch up with the others in what they called the Lions’ Den: the high-tech hangar that the Garrison had created for the lions when they weren’t in use. They’d even figured out a way to recharge them, though it wasn’t as efficient as the Castle of Lions had been. The coolest part about the Lions’ Den, though, was that the whole thing attached to a port in the Atlas, which meant that the paladins didn’t have to float around in a cramped space for two months - one to the colony, one back. After the journey to Earth, the paladins had stressed to the Garisson the necessity of that.

Keith recognized the look on Shiro’s face when he gazed up at the Black Lion - it was longing. Of course he missed her, he’d spent a couple years harboring his soul in her consciousness. Keith knew that in that time, an anbreakable bond had been forged between them. The thought made Keith feel an inkling of guilt, as if he’d taken Black from Shiro. He reminded himself that that wasn’t the case. He and Shiro ignored the others’ curious glances as they both entered the lion.

During that training session, having Shiro’s watchful eye right behind him was both a blessing and a curse. He put his all into every sequence in an attempt to show off, but just knowing Shiro was there was a distraction. He wanted to turn around and gauge the expression on his face after every time he pulled an impressive stunt, but he knew he’d only be met with a blank stare or confused frown. Not what he wanted to see, which was a blinding smile and knowing eyes. Shiro would say, ‘That was great, Keith! I knew you had it in you,’ and Keith would smile sheepishly, a pleased flush creeping into his cheeks. That’s what would’ve happened last month. That’s what would’ve happened seven years ago. Shiro didn’t know him anymore. Keith swallowed a lump in his throat, angry with himself for getting distracted again. He should be used to that sinking feeling by now, but it stung with the same intensity every damn time.

While Keith was blinking a little harder than usual, he didn’t spot a beam on his left. Hunk’s shout of warning was too late, and it hit Black full force. Keith groaned and cursed - the beams from the Garrison’s training field wouldn’t hurt the lions, but Keith was embarrassed to have missed such an obvious attack nonetheless. Keith maneuvered through a series of attacks before grounding out, “End training session,” and swooping Black none-too-gently into the Lions’ Den, landing her with haste. He supposed the others heard the tremor in his voice because none of them argued, though they still had nearly twenty minutes of training time left.

“Keith…” Shiro said tentatively.

Keith ignored him. He snatched off his helmet, dropped it roughly on the floor, and stormed out of his lion. As he left the hangar, in his peripheral vision, he saw Shiro and the others huddled together at the base of the lions’ legs, indiscreetly watching him with mixed looks of concern and sympathy. He was so sick of this.

——————————————

Shiro found Keith on the roof hours later, knees drawn to his chest and most of his steam let off. The stars were out now, and Keith was thinking about the past.

As Shiro approached, Keith spared him a quick glance. Keith didn’t know what his expression was, but he was sure it wasn’t friendly. Shiro didn’t seem to mind, he just let out a deep, tired breath and sat down next to Keith, giving him a fair amount of space.

“I thought someone should come check on you. You seem to have a hard time opening up to the other paladins, so I decided to give it a shot. They’re worried about you, you know.”

Keith’s frown deepened. He hugged his knees more tightly. “You aren’t. You don’t know me.”

Shiro looked at Keith sadly. “No, I don’t know you. I’m sorry that that hurts you so much. But I am worried. And I’d like to get to know you.”

“Don’t pity me.” Keith spat. He felt like he was fourteen again, and Shiro was trying to worm his way into his life for the first time.

“I don’t pity you,” Shiro said softly, “but I do feel sad for you. There’s a difference…You remind me of Deidrienne. She’s the Altean girl that we found in the first robeast. When she finally woke up, she was almost feral. She thought all of us were evil, and she missed her family so much. She would act ferocious and proud whenever one of us approached her, but when she was alone, we saw her cry and cry and cry on the cameras. Romelle was the only one who could get close to her. After that, she slowly started trusting us more and more. At first, it was hard to trust her not to attack us, but she didn’t. She just needed someone who could understand her.”

Keith understood the connection that Shiro was trying to make. “I don’t want to have to get to know you all over again.” He said stubbornly.

Shiro looked thoughtfully up at the sky. “Well, too bad, because I want to. And for all I know, you could be planning to kill me in my sleep. But I know you’re good, Keith, no matter what Haggar’s done to you. I’ve seen it myself. I won’t give up on you.”

Keith’s breath caught in his chest. He looked at Shiro, who was still looking into the sky, stars reflecting in his eyes. Keith’s heart fluttered against his will.

“You used to be in love with the stars.” Keith whispered just loud enough for Shiro to hear him. Shiro seemed to have only just noticed Keith’s staring.

“Was I?” He asked with a small smile, humoring Keith.

Keith let go of his knees and leaned back, sprawling out in the roof toget a proper view of the night sky. “Yeah. We used to talk about the constellations all the time. My dad taught them to me when I was young, before he died. Your mom taught them to you before she died, too.”

There might’ve been a surprised expression on Shiro’s face, but Keith wasn’t looking. After a moment of stillness, Shiro laid back on the roof, too. “Did I ever tell you which one was my favorite?”

“Cygnus,” Keith said, pointing it out easily. “I told you that you were just like him. We’d only known each other for a short time. Not too long ago, you told me that I’m like him, too. You never forgot.”

Keith sighed wistfully. He felt more than heard Shiro turn his head to look at him. “I’m still in love with the stars,” he admitted softly, “but for different reasons. Before, it was because I wanted to join them. Now… I don’t know, it’s just not the same. Now, it’s more like remembering someone I love.”

Keith turned his head too, meeting Shiro’s honest eyes. There was Cygnus, making himself vulnerable for Keith’s sake. Keith thought about Shiro’s parents, and all the friends that had perished in the war thus far, and Adam. He suddenly realized that he’d been being selfish. “You’ve lost a lot. I’m sorry.”

Shiro shook his head, his gaze drifting. “We all have. You, too, Keith. I can’t imagine how all this must feel for you. I’m going to help you.”

Keith laughed hollowly, shifting onto his side so that he didn’t have to keep craning his neck to talk to Shiro. “You’re going to help me? Seeing as you’re the one with memory loss, I think it should be the other way around.”

That sad look fell over Shiro’s face again. They seemed to be taking turns mimicking each others’ positions, Keith thought as Shiro turned his body to face his as well. “We don’t have to believe in the same memories to help each other, how about that? Once this war is over and the dust settles, no matter what’s true, things will be set right. Okay?”

Shiro spoke so sincerely that Keith couldn’t help but nod, some of the crushing weight lifting off his chest as he did so. He was confused when Shiro suddenly looked startled, though.

“Oh, no, what did I say? Why are you crying?”

Keith touched his cheek, surprised to find wetness there. He looked up to see Shiro fidgeting like the sweet dork he was, unsure what to do, but wanting to help. It made him release the smallest of laughs. He wondered if feelings went away when memories did.

“I’ll be okay.” he assured Shiro. “Just… keep laying here with me for a little while. Please.”

Shiro relaxed slowly at first, hesitant, then all at once. He nodded. “Okay, Keith.”

They never ended up leaving the roof that night, because no, feelings don’t go when memories do. But Shiro is still confused, so for now, this was good. And if Shiro’s heart fluttered when he woke up and felt Keith’s hand holding his hand instead of cutting into his throat, and he opened his eyes with a quick intake of breath, and he saw Keith’s face more relaxed than he’d seen it in the short time that he’d known him, and he felt deep-rooted trust in his heart… if his heart fluttered after that, then no one had to know.

———————————————

The hope that Keith felt after that night is what fueled him through the next week, all the way to the mission launch. Two months in deep space (possibly longer, depending on how long the battle and evacuation would take)… that was a long time. He hadn’t been out in space that long since coming home to Earth, and that had been a terrible ordeal. Despite having spent the entirety of almost four years in space, his life constantly on the line, he was nervous. He really didn’t want the fame or the glory or the excitement anymore. He wanted Shiro to know him, and he wanted everyone to be okay, and he wanted the war to miraculously end. But that wasn’t going to happen, and innocent people needed saving. He knew the others all felt the same by the solemn and determined looks in their eyes. Life on Earth was nice, but at this point in the war, it was a dream they needed to wake up from. The time for happy dreams was still out of their reach.

The entire Garrison was abuzz with the preparations for the mission. Keith heard some cadets chatting happily about how the instructors were going easy on them in their classes while the stress of the impending launch distracted them. Almost everyone on base played a role in the preparations. The cadets were mostly used for manual labor like loading supplies onto the ship and taking inventories. The officers were busy with things like calculating probabilities and timelines, system upgrades, forming backup plans, and setting up communications, among other things. In this all-hands-on-deck type situation, with everybody concentrated on ensuring that everything happened on schedule, even Keith got caught up in the hustle. Besides laying in his bed at night, he was able to keep his mind off of Shiro when he wasn’t there. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than being sad about it all the time. On one hand, he was too busy to be sad. On the other, before Keith realized it, nearly two months had passed since Keith had a Shiro that remembered him, and the time made it more painful. He missed him.

Keith found himself distracted by these thoughts the day before the mission launch as he was stocking Black (he didn’t, nor did any of the other paladins, allow the cadets access to the lions, choosing instead to load them themselves). Shiro was in the hangar as well, taking turns helping them all. Keith knew that Shiro would make his way over to Black eventually, and his thoughts were troubled with what to say when he did. With Shiro having no memory of him, they didn’t have much to talk about.

Keith was attempting without success to push a case of bottled waters onto a top shelf and was just about to give in and find something to stand on when a low chuckle from behind him startled him down from his tip-toes. Before the water could fall, an arm - a longer one - came from behind him to hold it up. Keith looked over his shoulder.

“Oh, Shiro. Hey.”

Shiro, still wearing an amused grin, finished the task for him. Even being a half a head taller than Keith, he strained a bit to do it. “If you can’t get these up here, how are you going to get them down?”

Keith shrugged, a slight tint to his cheeks. “Stand on something, I guess. And thank you… how are the others doing?”

Shiro walked alongside Keith to pick up more supplies. “Well, Hunk and Allura are pretty much done. Lance is more of a princess than Allura; he’s obsessing over organization. And when it comes to Pidge, there’s no method to the madness. She puts stuff wherever it fits, and since she can’t reach higher than the third shelf, a lot of it’s just laying around. So, you ready for the launch tomorrow?”

His tone was upbeat, but Keith got the feeling that Shiro was feeling similar to how he was. He hauled another case of water into his arm and paused. “Well, to be honest, I’m sort of nervous. It’s been a long time since I went on a mission like this.”

Shiro nodded, picked up a box of sustenance, and gave Keith a sympathetic look. “I understand. After getting a reprieve on Earth, it’s hard to run back into the fire. It’ll be worth it when we save all those Alteans.”

They worked in comfortable silence for the short while that it took to finish the loading. Once the last of the supplies were in the lion, they both sat down for a moment of rest. Keith watched Shiro swipe some sweat from his temple.

“Does it make you uncomfortable that I pilot Black?” Keith asked quietly.

Shiro didn’t seem caught off guard by the question. He looked around the cockpit thoughtfully, then locked eyes with Keith. “Black is a good judge of character. There’s a reason she allows you to be her paladin, and it’s why I’m comfortable with you coming on the mission. But… I do miss piloting her.”

Keith had figured as much from the longing way Shiro watched them train. “Is that why you wanted to fly with me that one time?”

“Oh.” Shiro shook his head, but before he could explain, the sound of someone entering the lion caught both their attentions.

“Keith,” someone called from the storage area, “Keith, you in here?”

“Who’s that?” Shiro asked, and Keith frowned. The voice sounded familiar, but it wasn’t one of the others. Instead of answering Shiro, he made his way down to the cargo hold, Shiro following curiously. Keith found the owner of the voice pushing a box onto a shelf.

“James?” Keith said, surprised. The other turned around, greeting Keith with a friendly smile that Keith wasn’t used to. Sure, he’d grown a little closer with him over the past seven months, but they’d never sought one another out outside of missions and training sessions. It was a tentative friendship born out of necessity, but you wouldn’t have guessed that from James’s expression. Even more surprisingly, James made his way to Keith’s side and threw an arm over his shoulders. Keith put a lot of effort into not cringing away. Shiro blinked, looking curiously between them.

“Keith, hey.” Said James. “You left a box on the dolly, so I brought it up for you. Anyway, me and the other MFEs are going into town tonight for our last Earth dinner before the mission. Want to join us?”

Keith didn’t remember leaving any box on the dolly. Besides that, James and he had never hung out with each other, not even once. Keith wasn’t sure what James was playing at, but he was severely confused.

“I’ll go help Lance finish up.” Said Shiro, probably feeling like a third wheel. Keith watched him go, too befuddled to feel remorseful about it. 

“Uh,” Keith looked questioningly at James, who dropped his arm as soon as Shiro wasn’t looking anymore. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to help you.” James replied flippantly, no longer bearing the overly-friendly demeanor. “Don’t worry about the invite, Lance already told me you guys are all going to Hunk’s tonight. See you at the launch.”

And with that, James left, too. Keith was left standing dumbly in his lion, wondering what the hell had just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the fluff is slowly rolling in. And James isn’t being shady, I swear. I stan him. It’ll become clear next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mission launches. Keith and Shiro break down some walls, and Shiro comes to a profound realization (for the second time, apparently).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm I finished this when I was really tired so I hope it makes sense. Enjoy!

Watching Pidge, Lance, and Hunk have to say goodbye to their families was hard. It was especially difficult for Hunk, seeing as he was leaving his entire family behind. Pidge had her father and brother on the mission, and Lance had Veronica. But Hunk, who’d missed his family the most, had no one. He maintained a stoic façade as he watched Earth shrinking into a blue dot below them, but Keith recognized the look of inner turmoil. He’d have to make a point to talk to him later.

“Well, there she goes again.” Said Pidge, looking longingly out the window next to Keith. 

“Yeah.” Lance sighed. Keith watched his fists clench against the glass. 

“I hope we are all able to return.” Said Allura, her brows drawn together.

Keith clenched his jaw as the earth shrank from view. He had to be strong for them. He took a moment to inwardly mourn their departure, then closed his eyes and took a deep breath, focusing on the task at hand.

“The quicker we complete the mission, the quicker we can come back.” Keith said, turning his back to the windows. “I know none of us have gotten much rest lately, so we’ll hold off training until tomorrow. Take tonight to rid your minds of any distractions.”

Keith headed towards his new quarters without looking back, Kosmo following close behind him. The wolf had grown even larger in the past seven months. He now weighed nearly two hundred pounds, and his hugs could tackle men of Shiro’s stature. Kosmo whined and nudged Keith’s thigh. He’d been fussing over Keith since the moment Shiro went missing, sensing that something was wrong with his human. Now, with everyone sad and fearful about leaving home, poor Kosmo was worried out of his mind. Keith scratched his ears affectionately.

“It’ll be alright, Kosmo. Let’s go lay down for a while.”

Keith hadn’t slept at all the night before, nor had he slept much at all as of late, too busy stressing over the launch and partaking in training and preparations. Now that the excitement was on hold, having time to relax and be alone and nap as long as we wished sounded nice.

The rooms were very small, almost as small as the cadet rooms at the Garrison. There was just enough space to fit a twin-sized bed with three drawers built into the frame at the bottom for personal belongings, a locker and a desk and chair next to it, and enough floor space to walk to the tiny bathroom cubicle. With so many people on board and so many more expected to join, not an inch of space had been wasted. Keith didn’t mind it, really. He actually feared that a larger room would psych him out; he hadn’t had one larger than this since he lived with his father.

Keith crawled onto the bed for the first time, surprised at the plush and fluffy comforter. He supposed they’d been short on space, not money. He sighed in relief as his muscles began to relax and patted the space next to him, inviting Kosmo to hop onto the bed next to him. Keith curled up facing the wall, and Kosmo laid warmly and protectively against his back. Within seconds, it seemed, Keith was dreaming.

He dreamed that it wasn’t just Shiro who didn’t remember him, no one did. He dreamed of Lance trying to fight him, of Pidge looking up at him fearfully, of Hunk’s usually gentle face pulled into a sneer at him. Allura was leering at him with distrust as she had done when she’d learned he was part Galra. Coran was poking at him like a science project, trying to figure out what he was. Shiro was telling all of them to stay back, stay away form the dangerous intruder. His own mother drew her blade at the sight of him. Kosmo flinched away from him like he was a stranger, snarling. He could hear the real Kosmo whining somewhere in the back of his mind, and he was distantly aware that he was dreaming, but at the moment, he was still riddled with horror. They didn’t want Keith on Earth. “Go back wherever you care from,” they told him. “Go back to the Galra.”

Keith was jolted from his nightmare when a heavy weight very suddenly materialized on top of him. He instinctively tried to jerk into an upright position, but whatever was on him was too heavy, and he ended up just releasing an undignified yelp and nearly pulling a muscle in his chest. His brain quickly caught up with his eyes, and he realized belatedly that it was Shiro on top of him, looking even more startled than Keith felt. 

Shiro pushed off the bed, hovering over Keith on his hands and knees. “What the fuck?”

Keith sputtered. “What the fuck, you! This is my room!”

“Kosmo brought me here!” Shiro explained in an uncharacteristically high voice. “I don’t know why!”

Keith looked over at Kosmo, who was sitting at his bedside looking quite pleased with himself. Keith felt his face heat up. “Oh God, I’m sorry. He was trying to help me, I think….”

Keith reached up to rub his head tiredly, and Shiro awkwardly rearranged himself on the tiny bed to sit on a spot where there was no Keith. “Help you?” He repeated, brows raised high.

Keith sat up and leaned against the wall behind him. “Yeah, I… I was having a bad dream. He must’ve gotten worried. He thought you could help.”

Shiro let out a small laugh. “Well, although I just nearly had a heart attack, maybe I can help. You want to talk about it?”

Keith tensed. He was about to tell Shiro not to take pity on him and that he didn’t want to talk about it, but when he looked into Shiro’s eyes, he saw genuine concern there. Shiro had never found him pitiful for as long as he’d known him. Granted, things were different now, but even still, Shiro viewed him with respect. That made Keith less reluctant.

“I dreamed that it wasn’t just you,” he began, eyeing Shiro warily. “That no one remembered me, and I was alone. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to. They all treated me like a monster. It was scary.”

Keith stared down at his hands, unable to meet Shiro’s eyes.

“I felt that way when I was Zarkon’s prisoner.” Shiro admitted quietly. Keith was shocked to hear Shiro open up about that; he hadn’t even told him about that when he knew him.

“It must’ve been really lonely.” He said, trying to open this window a bit more.

Shiro nodded, gaze downcast. “The Holts were separated from me at the beginning. I didn’t know if they were dead or alive. I didn’t see another human for a year. Before Kerberos, I was… good. Innocent. But the Galra forced me into those gladiator fights, and I had to kill to survive. Sometimes I fought monsters, sometimes I fought some unfortunate prisoner who was just trying to stay alive, like me. They all ended the same: with me slicing into their hearts. Eventually, I was the one who prisoners prayed not to get put into the ring with. Not only did no one else know me, I didn’t even know myself. I became the monster.”

Shiro seemed ashamed of himself. Before Keith could reply, Shiro shook his head, as though trying to clear away his own suffering. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you that. This is supposed to be about helping you.”

The window was closing. Keith panicked and lurched forward, grasping Shiro’s hand tightly. Shiro’s head jerked up, and surprised, vulnerable eyes met Keith’s. Keith felt a little embarrassed realizing what he’d just done, but it felt right. He went with it, only loosening his grip slightly.

“It is helping me.” Keith said, hoping he was conveying his sincerity well. “It makes me feel less alone, knowing that you felt the same way. And… and I think you should talk about it. I think it’ll help you, too.”

Shiro was looking at Keith strangely, as if trying to determine if he had some kind of ulterior motive. He didn’t move his hand from Keith’s, so that was a good sign. Apparently he was satisfied with whatever he saw, because the tension visibly drained from his shoulders. He took a deep breath.

“I got very good at killing. Eventually, I learned the most efficient ways to bring an opponent to his knees. I leaned the quickest methods of assassination. I killed so many people and beasts that the Galra praised me for it like I was an entertaining dog. When the Galra took my arm and replaced it with that powerful bionic, they did it so that they could exclusively pit me against their beasts and I’d stand a chance. And I was relieved, because that meant I didn’t have to kill innocents anymore. I mean, whether it was me or someone else, they still died. I was just so relieved that I didn’t have to be the one to do it anymore. But it doesn’t… it doesn’t change the fact that I ended their lives so that I could live. At the time, I almost didn’t see the point in caring because I was so alone. God, I’m such a monster.”

Shiro’s head dipped between his knees in shame. His bionic fist was clenched so tightly that Keith was sure if that had been the hand he was holding, his bones would’ve been crushed. As it was, the hold of Shiro’s human hand was pretty bruising. Nonetheless, Keith squeezed back with as much strength as he could muster. He had to choose his words carefully; he knew ‘that’s not true’ wouldn’t be enough.

“You know…” Keith began gently, “in my memories, I met you when I was fourteen.”

Shiro turned his head to look at Keith curiously. His expression was extremely pained, and it sorrowed Keith to know that Shiro had been holding this in for years. They’d simply been too busy surviving to work through emotions as complex as these.

“I’d been an orphan since I was eight.” Keith continued, gaining courage. “I was living in a home for troubled kids. Kids no one wanted or cared about. I didn’t have any friends. I lashed out at anyone who tried to get close to me. I lashed out at you.”

Keith paused, noting that Shiro’s breathing had become steadier. He gathered even more courage.

“But that didn’t stop Takashi Shirogane. You were so perfect, I felt like you were too good to be true. You basically forced me to be friends with you and before I realized it, I liked you. You took a chance on me, got me into the Garrison, kept me from flunking out. I was the best pilot in my class, but I had disciplinary issues. After a while, I was doing pretty well. After a few years, you left for Kerberos. I waited for you. Then they said the mission failed due to pilot error, and that you were dead. I knew it wasn’t true. It wasn’t possible.”

Shiro seemed truly intrigued, and Keith was glad, because what he was about to say wouldn’t be easy. 

“The loss of you… it hurt me so much that my discipline got out of hand, and I got booted just before my last year. And I didn’t even care, because you were the only person alive that I really cared about. You, you were so good, the purest person I’d ever met. I felt blessed just having known you. When you came back, you were traumatized, but your heart was exactly the same. It’s never changed. Whatever happened while you were a prisoner, it’s the Galra’s fault, not yours. You - the real you - has always been selfless, and kind, and innocent, and… and you don’t deserve any of this. I’ve never understood why the most horrible things have happened to the best person in the universe. I’m so sorry that you don’t see yourself the same way I see you.”

Shiro seemed to have been struck speechless. He didn’t look put off, though, and their hands were still touching. Maybe no one had ever told him before how truly amazing he is.

“Keith, I - I -“ Shiro sputtered, brow furrowing. “You talk about me like I put the stars in the sky. I’m really not that special.”

Keith shook his head. “That’s not true. You’re special to me. You’re special whether you believe it or not.”

Keith didn’t know how else to explain that Shiro was unique in all the universe because he was Keith’s. There could be a million Shiro clones, a million champions with bionic arms, a million excellent leader pilots, it didn’t matter. Shiro was his. For him, he did hang the stars in the sky. He’s good because Keith knows him and he says so.

“And not just me,” Keith said, because he thought it will make Shiro believe him more. “Everyone who really knows you, you’re special to them. You’ll never be able to convince any of us that you’re a monster because we know you.” 

And maybe Shiro just wants to express his appreciation, or maybe he detects the longing pain in Keith’s tone, or maybe it’s both, because the next thing he does is give Keith a soft smile and lean forward, enveloping him in a hug. Keith freezes in shock for a couple of seconds before regaining his senses and hugging Shiro back, tucking his face into the crook of his neck. This hug isn’t like most of the ones before, which were brief goodbyes, usually with layers of armor separating them. Now, he could feel Shiro’s heart thudding against his chest. He was warm and solid against Keith. He could feel Shiro’s breath rustling strands of his hair and fanning down over his collar. It was too much for Keith. He crumpled the back of Shiro’s night shirt in his fists, squeezing him tightly.

“I miss you.” Keith muttered into Shiro’s shoulder, his voice tight with unshed tears.

“I’m right here,” Shiro assured him. “Maybe not in the way you want me to be, but I’m still here.”

Keith pulled away just enough to look Shiro in the eyes, and Shiro met his with breathtaking intensity. “Shiro, please tell me that you trust me now. I know it’s too much to ask of you to accept that my memories are true, but at least say that you trust me. Because I can’t take it when… when you hated me, it killed me. I could never hurt you or the others, Shiro. I could never. Please believe me.”

Shiro looked sorrowful. “I can’t hate you, Keith. I tried, but I can’t. You’re too good. When you broke down crying when I told you I’d give you a chance, that’s when I knew it. I never hated you, and I do trust you. You don’t have to feel alone anymore. Regardless of how this all happened, you’re part of the team now, and I’ll always be here, okay?”

Keith’s tears finally began spilling over. He hid his face in Shiro’s shoulder again, and Shiro pulled him closer, holding him patiently. Keith knew how strange this must feel for Shiro, hugging a crying near-stranger. But Keith needed this now, and he’d deal with the embarrassment later. He was slowly realizing that although Shiro forgot him, and although that was painful, Shiro was still the same. They could rebuild. Keith let out a small sigh, and with it went some of his negative emotions. For the first time in a long time, he felt happiness. Not just okay, not content, but happy. It was feeble, but it was there.

Shiro and Keith were tackled out of their embrace by an ecstatic Kosmo, tongue lolling and tail wagging, clearly having picked up on the shift of moods.

“Hey!” Keith scolded fondly, laughing. He caught Kosmo in a playful headlock and wrestled him onto his back. In turn, the wolf vanished and appeared directly on top of Keith’s chest, pinning him down and yipping triumphantly. Keith snickered and relaxed in defeat, scratching under Kosmo’s chin.

Keith looked up when he felt the bed shift and found Shiro staring at him, dumbstruck, for some unexplained reason. Like he’d just realized something.

“Uh, Shiro?” He said curiously. Shiro blinked, and then blushed. Actually blushed. It was Keith’s turn to be dumbstruck. Shiro clambered off the bed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I, uh, appreciate what you said to me. It really helped. I hope I helped you out, too.”

Keith nodded and sat up, recognizing a goodbye when he saw it. “You did. I’m glad you shared that with me, I feel sort of lighter now. Goodnight, Shiro.”

“Night, Keith.”

————————————

“Matt. Matt, wake up. Matthew Holt, wake up. This is an emergency… kind of.”

Shiro ceased knocking on the door of room 024 when it slid open, revealing a bleary-eyed and disoriented Matt.

“Shiro, it’s two in the morning. Well, there’s no night and day in space, but in Earth time, it’s two in the morning. What sort of kind-of-emergency are we talking about?”

Shiro nervously avoided the question, walking past his best friend and into the room.

“Sure, come right on in…” Matt grumbled, hitting the switch that made the door slide shut.

Shiro sat stiffly on the edge of Matt’s unmade bed, twiddling his thumbs. Matt stood expectantly before him, folding his arms. “Well?”

Shiro looked up at Matt pleadingly. “I need you to be serious about this, because I’m very confused and I need your help.”

Matt shrugged. “Sure, whatever you need. What’s up?”

Shiro exhaled deeply through his nose and frowned slightly. “I barely know Keith, but I trust him way too much. I always want to be around him. I didn’t think much of it at first, but yesterday Griffin flirted with Keith, and I… God, I got jealous. And earlier, when Keith was upset, I started saying whatever I could to make him happy. Then I saw him laugh for the first time, and out of nowhere it hit me - he’s really, really beautiful. Then he looked at me, and his eyes were so pretty. And I felt stupidly prideful that out of everyone, he’d chosen to latch on to me. I think I’m falling for him.”

Matt regarded Shiro with wide eyes and raised brows for a moment once he admitted it, then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

“Matt!” Shiro groused, annoyed and mortified. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve barely known the guy for a month. What is so funny?”

Matt wiped an imaginary tear from his eye and whistled. “Sorry, man. I’m not laughing at your inner turmoil, it’s just that literally nothing can keep you two apart. Not billions of miles, not death, not even forgetting. I just feel like Fate is having the time of her God damned life watching you two. And this is, like, deja vu.”

“Deja vu?” Shiro repeated ironically, massaging his temples.

Matt gestured at Shiro vaguely. “You, in my room in the middle of the night, completely lost, having just realized how you felt. Dude, you told me you were in love with Keith half a year ago.”

Shiro balked, and Matt chuckled, greatly enjoying this all.

“But those are fake memories.” Shiro countered.

Matt rolled his eyes. “Oh, c’mon, you’re still on that?”

“You don’t understand.” Shiro insisted stubbornly. “I just can’t accept that the Galra took someone away who was that important to me. I couldn’t have forgotten someone like him. Haggar has to be working some dark magic here. But Keith’s not bad, he’s just caught up in it. He’s a victim, and I have to fix this for him. It’s killing him.”

Matt tutted. “Well, we can agree on one thing, brother: that witch is definitely working some evil shit. As far as you falling for a guy you ‘barely know,’ just be yourself around him. Trust me, he loves that. Let things happen naturally. For people like us, life might be too short to avoid feelings. You know what I mean?”

Shiro nodded solemnly, wondering how the hell he was supposed to act normally when just the sight of Keith’s smile made him stop and stare. God, Shiro had always been a hopeless romantic.

“Great, glad I could help. Now give me back my room and go get some sleep, Captain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anddd here’s you a good dose of hurt/comfort. Like I said, I wrote the ending when I was tired asf, I hope it makes sense. Anyway, for anyone thinking that this is too fast to fall in love, it’s not exactly falling in love, remember that they’re already in love, yanno? It’s only halfway falling in love.
> 
> Oh anddd college starts tm, so I’m probably gonna be pretty busy, and idk where an update schedule fits into that, but I’ll do my best. 
> 
> Btw, I’m really loving these comments! I love each and every one, but the long ones are the ones that guilt trip me into updating jsyk…… I’m a hypocrite tho bc I never read while I’m logged in, so I hardly ever comment. Sorry! I have seen every single fic in the Sheith tag tho, and left kudos on all those I like, and maybe I’ll stop being a hypocrite and log in just to let my fellow writers know that I’m enjoying their works as well. If you’re a Sheith writer, let me know in the comments and I’ll check out your fic and let you know what I thought!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We take turns looking into how everyone is dealing with the hectic changes in their lives. James is only getting started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woweeee over 200 kudos, almost 60 bookmarks, and a buttload of comments?? You guys are too good to me! Thank you for your love and for giving me incentive to keep updating!

“Was he jealous?” Asked Lance, lounging on Veronica’s bed while she sat in her tiny desk space, typing a log on her laptop.

“James said he looked jealous.” Said Veronica, not taking her eyes off the screen. “If you wanted a guy to flirt with Keith in front of Shiro, I don’t see why you didn’t just do it yourself instead of getting me to ask my best friend to do it.”

Lance’s face contorted into one of disgust. “First of all, if I tried to flirt with Keith even a little bit, he’d probably deck me. Second, I kind of have a thing with Allura and everyone knows it. Third, I barely like Keith as a friend. I couldn’t flirt with him if I tried.”

Veronica scoffed, her glasses gleaming. “Please. Your whole rival thing was just a cover for you big fat gay crush on him. You may not like him like that anymore, but you do care about him.”

Lance blushed. She was right, he did used to have a crush on Keith, but he realized he wasn’t his type as soon as they flew into space together. Then he found Allura, and, well…

Veronica pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Anyway, James feels the same as you do. Well, minus the ex-crush part, but they used to be rivals, you know? Now James feels sorry for Keith after what happened to Shiro and he wants to help, so he’s gonna keep trying to make Shiro jealous. He thinks it’s fun, too; he laughed his ass off when he told me what Keith’s face looked like.”

Just the thought of Keith’s face when Griffin threw an arm around his shoulders was enough to pull a laugh out of Lance. He sighed. “I’m glad.”

——————————————

“And you devised this plan without US?” Demanded Pidge, betrayed. Hunk was too busy having a giggle fit to care. “What the heck, Lance? I thought we were, like, the three musketeers!”

Hunk was trying valiantly to form words around peals of laughter, his voice almost squeaky with the effort. “I - aha - I wish I could’ve - oh my God - could’ve seen his face!”

Hunk slapped his knee, shaking with silent laughter.

“Hunk!” Pidge whined, disappointed that he wasn’t rounding on Lance with her.

“He - he - he hated Griffin! Do you remember his face when that Erusian hugged him, Lance? Holy Quiznack! I can’t believe he didn’t break his nose! He - aha - he actually asked him out to dinner!” Hunk dissolved into wheezing. Indeed, he would’ve found the interaction cripplingly hilarious, had he seen it.

Lance leaned back in his desk chair, propping his feet on his desk. Hunk was still practically rolling on his bed, Pidge sitting cross-legged beside him. “I told you guys so that you could help.” He said, addressing Pidge, who’s face immediately brightened. “And I didn’t see it either, Hunk, but I would’ve given anything to be a fly on the wall. According to Griffin, it was pretty funny.”

“What about Allura?” Pidge asked, tilting her head. “Is she in on this, too?”

Lance shook his head mournfully. “She’s really busy, and I don’t want to distract her. She and Coran are the head of all the technological going-ons of the Atlas, you know? But if something happens that’s so funny that I’m laughing like Hunk, then I’m definitely telling her.”

Hunk was wiping literal tears from his eyes. “So, are we gonna launch Griffin’s body into space when Keith kills him? Wait, or will Shiro kill him first? Oh my God!” 

He started wheezing again, and Lance and Pidge couldn’t help joining in on the laughter.

———————————————

“And that’s what happened. So don’t get confused when you see me flirting with him.” James explained to Leifsdottir and Kinkade over first meal the day after the launch. Leifsdottir and Kinkade, the two least expressive people he knew and two of his best friends, nodded in response.

“This will be entertaining.” Said Leifsdottir, and Kinkade grunted in agreement.

“I wouldn’t have been worried,” said Kinkade flatly, “you’ve been pining after McClain for nearly four years.”

James felt a blush creep up his neck. “That’s not true!” He cried, but it was true.

Leifsdottir blinked, and James knew he’d regret lying. “Your pupils dilate when you look at her. You speak more softly to her than you do to me or Kinkade. You keep a picture of her taped to the window of your fighter jet because if you die during combat, you want her face to be the last thing -“

“Okay, enough!” James snapped, thoroughly red and extremely glad that Veronica was spending time with her brother instead of eating with them. 

“Yes, sir.” Said Kinkade, voice laced with amusement even if he didn’t outwardly show it. He innocently shoveled sustenance into his mouth.

——————————————

“Let’s see…” Allura tapped her chin, considering the 3-D holographic map of the known universe before her. “Historically, there have always been lots of Balmera in this sector,” she pointed to a tiny sliver of the map, “but I’m willing to bet they’ve all been conquered by the Galra sometime in the past few decafeebs.”

Coran pointed out a different sliver of the map. “This area is just outside Galran rule, and it’s not too far out of our way. The area’s not popular enough for anyone to find a Balmera, but the sector has more than one pair of twin suns, so I’d bet my last Vinqua that there’s a few undiscovered Balmera there.”

“Perfect,” said Shiro, zooming in on the sector. “How long will it take us to get there?”

Coran twisted the end of his mustache in thought, then began counting on his fingers. “Well, if you factor in this, and you carry that, and you add five, six, seven months!”

Shiro blanched. “Seven months?!”

Coran frowned. “Month is the term that’s equatable to quintant, is it not? Or is it day…? Oh, Quiznack, seven sleeps is what I mean.”

Shiro sagged in relief. “That’s enough of this for me today. I think I’ll clock out early and go spar. Tonight’s the night we lose connection with Earth, so I’m probably going to be talking to my father all night. See you tomorrow.”

——————————————

“Spar with me.” James said as a conversation-starter, sliding into the seat next to Keith during second meal, right between him and Pidge. Pidge sniffed indignantly, scooting closer to Hunk.

“What?” Said Kieth, caught off guard with a spoonful of sustenance halfway to his lips.

“Spar with me tonight. I challenge you to. Kinkade and I think I can beat you, but Leifsdottir and McClain - the girl one - think you’ll win.”

“Why are you acting so weird?” Keith asked, lowering his spoon.

James shrugged. “Not acting weird, just trying to be as prepared as possible to make the mission a success. So?”

Keith sighed. “If I say yes, will you let me eat my sustenance in peace?”

James grinned devilishly, nodding.

“Fine.” Keith grumbled. “Go away.”

——————————————

Shiro, who’d come to the sparring area with Hunk, found Keith and Griffin already sparring. He and Hunk decided to watch and let them finish, which proved to be entertaining, at the least. 

They were both vicious and skilled and strong, but going off sheer muscle mass, Griffin was stronger. Three out of the first four times that Shiro watched, he managed to pin Keith with his strength and weight, which wasn’t really fair, in Shiro’s opinion. If it were piloting, or knowledge, or battling, or almost anything else, Keith would win. He felt this injustice flare in him each time Keith’s back or chest would slam against the mat, and he’d release a quiet “oof!”. And that anger would burn hotter when Griffin pinned Keith a bit longer than necessary, leaned a bit closer then he needed to. Of course, Shiro was a grown man. He could admit that he was maybe feeling a little jealous, and that if it bothered him that much, then he should just spar with Keith himself. Or maybe he should spar with Griffin and slam him onto that mat until that smug look was wiped off his face. He felt maybe a tad too invigorated when Keith’s strategic jabs and twists finally won him a round, slamming Griffin onto his back with a dull thud. Shiro almost cheered before he caught himself.

Almost every round after that was won by Keith. He seemed to have learned Griffin’s tactics and was using them against him. He barely had to land any strikes to take him down, instead closely studying his footwork and waiting for an opportunity. Good, that’s how Shiro would’ve done it if he were in Keith’s position.

After Keith won three rounds in a row, Griffin finally won again, pinning Keith face-down with a look of triumph, as if he hadn’t lost most of the rounds before. One of his hands was holding Keith’s arm against the small of his back, and the other was on the back of Keith’s head, pressing the side of his face into the mat. Shiro didn’t like it. Not at all. And Griffin held the position for far too long, and it was pissing Shiro off. He was almost to the point of giving in and interfering, but Keith finally relaxed and growled, “Get off.”

Griffin grinned and got up, helping Keith to his feet, too. He walked away for a moment, and Keith locked eyes with Shiro briefly. His pale skin was flushed, he was panting, there was sweat rolling down his jaw, and he looked alive. It was a good look on him. Griffin stole his attention back by bringing him a water bottle and saying, “We should do this more often.” Keith was turned away from Shiro’s view now, but whatever face he made in response made Griffin laugh heartily. “See you tomorrow, Keith.” He nodded at Shiro and Hunk as he left.

Shiro watched Keith gulp down half of the water bottle at once, adam’s apple bobbing.

“Take a picture.” Hunk teased in a whisper, and Shiro would get him for that once they started sparring.

“See you guys tomorrow.” Keith said on his way out, eyes trained on the floor. Shiro had to ask him to spar tomorrow before Griffin did; he wanted to experience that energy first-hand.

——————————————

“One more night until I’m out of range.” Said Hunk, nervously tying and untying his bandana in his lap. It needed to be washed, after sparring earlier. “Which means tonight will be the last time I can talk to you until we’re almost back home.”

His parents hugged each other on the other side of the screen. Hunk could tell they were trying for his sake not to cry.

They talked for more hours than Hunk counted, all the way up to the point that the connection became staticky and he could no longer tell what they were saying. When the connection was completely lost, Hunk powered off his tablet and curled in on himself and cried. After a while, his tears ran out and he just lay on his bed feeling lonely with no one to distract him from his misery, as everyone else had gone to sleep hours ago. Or so he thought, which was why he was surprised to hear a quiet tapping on his door.

“Hunk? It’s Keith. You awake?”

Hunk made sure there were no traces of tears left on his face and hurried to open the door, worried something was wrong. There Keith stood, tired but focused, wearing his night clothes.

“Did something happen?” 

Keith shook his head, and Hunk let him in the room, shutting the door behind him. Keith sat at his desk chair, looking sort of stiff and self-conscious.

“It’s just - I know that we lost connection with Earth tonight, and what that means for you. I figured you’d be awake, and I didn’t think you should be alone.”

Hunk’s heart swelled with affection. Keith knew that Hunk was the only paladin who didn’t have a shoulder to cry on, so he volunteered. He wished he and Keith had been good friends like this back in the castle. It probably would’ve been a lot easier for him.

He and Keith talked until the others started waking up. They opened up about missing their families and about people they’ve lost. By first meal, Hunk was barely feeling lonely at all. He swore to himself he’d help return the favor to Keith, who was so lonely without Shiro that it was heartbreaking to watch.

——————————————

Shiro stayed the majority of the night up talking to his father. When he lost connection, he visited with Sam, Matt, and Pidge on a video call with Coleen Holt, who had access to more long-distance technology. Once the connection was lost, Shiro left the family to themselves and got a few hours of shut-eye. The three Holts held each other and cried a bit and made promises of ‘what if’s. Eventually, Sam left to rest, too, as he’d need to be mentally present the next day.

Pidge rested her head on Matt’s shoulder. “You know, Keith doesn’t have this.” She said quietly. “No one back home to talk to, to give him a reason to come back.”

“Shiro was - is - his reason for everything.” Matt said sadly. “Man, Shiro has no idea how much he’s lost. He loved Keith so much. You should’ve been there when he told me.”

Pidge removed and folded her glasses, set them on her desk, and rubbed her eyes tiredly. She dropped back against Matt’s side with a defeated huff. “It’s so unfair. Haggar stole it. Just stole it right from them. It’s just… gone.”

Matt hugged her to his side, rubbing her shoulder. “That’s not completely true, little sis.” 

Pidge sat up a bit, looking up at Matt with narrowed eyes. “Alright, what do you know? Spill.”

Matt bit the inside of his cheek. “Well, I’m pretty sure this goes against the best friend code, but under the circumstances -“

“Just spit it out!”

Matt chucked. “Okay, okay. Shiro told me a couple days ago that he’s falling for Keith.”

Pidge’s eyes widened, and she sat up fully. “Oh my God!”

Matt waved his hands in a ‘calm down’ gesture. “It’s not the same as before. Not yet, at least. Before… God, you should’ve seen the light in his eyes when he told me. He could’ve talked about Keith for hours if I’d let him. I’ve never seen him so happy. The other night, though, it was more like puppy love. He was hesitant and not really sure if it was true or not, but it was there. I hope he gets his memories back, but if not… if not, I think it’ll still be okay, eventually.”

Pidge’s brow furrowed. “How? Keith is crushed. Their past together means everything -“

“One of these days, Shiro will realize he’s in denial.” Matt assured her. “And when he does, he’ll listen to Keith. Keith can tell him everything. It won’t be easy for them, especially not for Keith, but they’ll pull through. You know they will. They’re the most resilient sons of bitches in the universe.”

Pidge laughed, slumping sleepily against her brother. “That’s true.”

——————————————

Shiro dreamed vividly in the short span of sleep that he got after leaving the Holts. His dreams weren’t so much events as they were brief images and small clips of things happening. He saw his father, which made sense, seeing as he’d been video calling him for hours. He saw planetary systems on Atlas’s 3-D map. He saw the endlessness of space, and he saw Voltron formed in it, in the throes of battle. He saw himself piloting the Black Lion. He shouted an order, and Keith shouted something back from the Red Lion, which didn’t make any sense because the Red Lion was Lance’s. Shiro felt a tug in the back of his mind, like an itch he couldn’t scratch.

The setting changed to a more calm one. He saw a series of images that didn’t make much sense: Keith smiling up at him with a smile that he wore for no one else in the universe, only him. A middle school building. His old vehicle speeding away without him in it. A much younger-looking Keith staring angrily at the floor. A hoverbike. An old shack in the desert. Looking up at Keith’s relieved face. Keith fighting for his life. Keith calling for him desperately. Keith crying. Keith laughing so hard his eyes scrunched up. The sensation of holding someone’s hand, of waking up in someone’s arms, of lazy kisses. Keith being pinned during a spar, but by him, not Griffin. A baby that Keith was cooing to. Keith’s voice, saying vague phrases that Shiro couldn’t decipher.

Shiro was jerked out of sleep as if he’d been dunked in cold water, bolting upright and panting. Already, the details of his dreams were slipping away, leaving only a name in his mouth. “Keith…” he breathed, and he felt teardrops falling from his chin onto his clenched fists. Why was he crying? Did he have a sad dream that he couldn’t remember? He wasn’t sure, but he felt a horrible clenching in his chest that he hadn’t felt since he learned of Adam’s death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Just so you know, days are going by, and training is happening, and they all have responsibilities; I just don’t write about that stuff much, yanno? You just kinda have to assume they’re in the same busy setting they’re always in, and what I write is inbetween those lines. You guys are great!


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paladins get a solution to their cabin fever, and Shiro and Keith’s spar doesn’t go at all like Shiro planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your continued support! I love seeing your reactions and I’m glad that this story brings you joy.
> 
> ~also~ warning for speak of underage drinking, and there will be underage drinking in future chapters. Just to be clear, though, Keith is 21-22-ish and Shiro is 26-27-ish. So obvs, the underage drinking part isn’t referring to either of them.

The paladins of Voltron were not accustomed to a life lacking in battles and hardships. The Atlas had become a cage in space’s infinity. Before this mission, every moment that they’d been away from Earth, they’d been in control and in the belly of the beast. They’d been piloting their own ships, had been in charge of what they did and why. Now there were hundreds of other crew members to consider and a specific civilization at stake, and they just had to wait. Keith, for one, was getting a bit stir-crazy. Looking out the windows of a spaceship again made him feel like he should be on his toes, ready to fight. But there was nothing to fight. They were just… living. Going about normal life. Keith couldn’t help wondering what he was supposed to do in this type of setting; battling, flying, completing missions, those were things he knew. That’s what he was. Without the need for those things at present, who was he?

He was almost relieved, one day during second meal, when he learned that he was not the only one feeling this way.

“The Atlas is sentient,” Pidge bemoaned, her forehead plastered to the table. “She handles a lot of the technological upgrades on her own, and she can adapt to whatever situation she’s in. There’s hardly ever anything for Matt and I to do besides communications. I feel so useless.”

Pidge began lightly banging her head against the table in frustration.

Hunk huffed, crossing his arms. “You think that’s bad? The Garrison sent a freaking billion engineers on this mission. Like, half the crew. I’m just another worker bee now.”

Lance hummed sympathetically, poking at his sustenance idly. Keith could tell that he, having been used to frequent space adventures and battles, was dreadfully bored as well.

Allura sighed, propping her chin in her palm. “The Atlas is a wonderful ship, but I miss the Castle.”

There was a collective murmur of agreement from around the table.

“Ah, the Castle of Lions…” Coran said with a sparkle in his eye. “Never was there a castle-ship - or any ship otherwise - as mighty as it… Oh, Shiro. Hello!”

Keith stiffened minutely at the sound of his name and the feeling of a presence at his back. Forcing himself to relax, he scooted over to make room for the captain.

“Hello.” Shiro set down his tray and sat in the open space next to Keith. “Why the long faces, guys?”

No one else seemed to want to answer. The Atlas was Shiro’s ship, after all, and they didn’t want to seem disrespectful. Also, Shiro wasn’t exactly in the same boat as them. He was always busy and needed. Keith took pity after seeing the others’ uncomfortable expressions.

“We’re just ready for some action. We aren’t used to being sitting ducks.”

“Oh.” Shiro grinned. “Then you’ll be happy to hear that we’re making a pit stop in about a week for a side-mission.”

Allura gasped and Coran slapped the table, startling Pidge into sitting up, glasses askew. 

“You mean you’ve found one?” Asked Coran.

Shiro nodded.

Pidge adjusted her glasses, rubbing at the indents they’d made on her nose. “Found what?”

“A Balmera!” Allura exclaimed. “We’ve been looking into a sector that we thought might have some undiscovered Balmera so that we could use a larger crystal to increase our speed, and Shiro’s found one.”

“Yes!” Shouted Hunk, pumping his fist. “That means we’ll finally get off this stupid…ly awesome ship. For a little while.”

If Shiro was at all confused by that pivot, he didn’t let on. He’d always been pretty intuitive; it most likely had been no secret to Shiro that they needed to stretch their limbs, metaphorically speaking.

“Please tell me Team Voltron will be doing the extraction.” Lance begged, and Keith had to bite back a ‘make it more obvious, why don’t you?’ “Please.”

Shiro chuckled. “Who else? You guys have done this before; it’s the smartest course of action. Plus, I know you guys feel cooped up. Hopefully it’ll help you shake some of this cabin fever.”

Keith was internally cheering. He hadn’t wanted to show his teammates, but he’d felt so caged that he’d been considering going for a spacewalk. “You know what that means, right, team?”

“More training.” Said Allura, though she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, none of the paladins seemed bothered. He supposed that not even doubling down on training could dampen the mood of knowing that they’d be getting off the ship soon.

“No problemundo.” Said Lance, digging into his sustenance with a new vigor.

The paladins were smiling again. Keith wanted to feel the same, but Shiro was next to him and happy as he used to be, and it almost looked like nothing had changed. Really, nothing had. It was all the same for Shiro, and Keith was new to the equation. Keith felt a depressive episode creeping up on him out of nowhere. Here the others were all together, happy, and the moment that he’d almost been happy too, he’d reminded himself why he couldn’t be. The rapid swing of his own mood had his head spinning, and he was about to utter some excuse about having to go when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Room for one more?” James asked, already edging between Keith and Lance. If looks could kill, James would be dead, because Lance wasn’t amused about James pushing him out of the way yet again to sit next to Keith.

“I guess.” Keith mumbled, annoyed that he couldn’t leave now without causing a scene. He scooted closer to Shiro to begrudgingly make room for James. Realistically, only six people fit comfortably at these tables, and there were now eight. Keith found himself practically sandwiched between Shiro and James. He was suddenly wishing that he’d chosen to sit between Pidge and Allura instead; he felt awkward being dwarfed by the men on either side of him. 

The other paladins, oddly, seemed unperturbed by James’s appearance. “You look like a grumpy Keith sandwich.” Lance even pointed out, earning laughs from around the table.

“Yeah, usually I’m the one getting squished,” said Pidge with a devious smirk, “it’s nice to see it happen to someone else for once.”

James waited until their attention was elsewhere before leaning closer to Keith, who leaned away in response, unintentionally pressing his shoulder into Shiro’s arm. “Me and the other MFEs were wondering if you wanted to come to this party we’re having tomorrow night.”

Keith raised an eyebrow. “Party?” He asked doubtfully.

James shrugged. “More like a small get-together. You know, us and a few cool people from the working crew. It’ll be fun.”

Keith blinked. “What are we, teenagers?”

James rolled his eyes. “Oh, like we’re supposed to stop having fun because we’re adults. C’mon, Keith, you’re twenty-one! You can drink legally now! Let loose a little.”

He elbowed Keith playfully, and Keith was so dumbfounded by him acting like they’d been friends for years that he could only stare at him.

“Keith?” Shiro interjected from beside him, stealing his attention away from James before he could give him an answer. His face didn’t give away whether or not he’d been listening in on their conversation. Although, he thought he caught a light blush dusted across his cheeks for some unapparent reason. “Do you want to spar with me? This evening?”

Keith, completely caught off guard by both men, looked skeptically back and forth between them. Something was going on here, and he wanted to know what it was. 

“Okay, sure.” He said to Shiro, a plan in mind. “I will, if you come to this small get-together with me tomorrow night.”

Shiro, like Keith had, looked doubtful. “I don’t know if I have time for a party -“

“Party?” Said Lance, perking up and leaning across the table. “Whose party? I’m coming. I’m always the life of every party.”

“Mine.” Said James, seeming inexplicably pleased.

“It’s a small get-together.” Keith corrected, not wanting his team to think he was inviting people to a full-blown party. The others were unconvinced.

“I’m coming, too.” Hunk insisted. “Oh man, Lance and I used to have so much fun when we were seventeen back at the Garrison -“

“When was this?” Pidge demanded.

“Oh…” said Hunk, deflating as if he’d been caught. “You were kind of young, Pidge, you know?”

“You still are,” said Shiro, to which Pidge looked affronted. “Everyone just hold on a minute and -“

“I’m about to be seventeen!” Pidge protested. “That’s how old they were when they went to parties.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Said Shiro, looking worried. He knew that if the others, Pidge included, wanted to go, then he couldn’t really stop them. Keith couldn’t believe how quickly the situation had gone south.

“There will be soda.” James said after an uncomfortable silence.

“I’ll watch over her.” Allura offered. “Alcohol does not affect Alteans, so I’ll be of sound mind to make sure she drinks moderately. She lives the life of an adult already; I see no harm in allowing her a bit of fun.”

“You’re coming too, Allura?” Asked Lance, ecstatic.

“I don’t see why not. I greatly enjoy parties.” Allura said with a calm smile.

“Great, so it’s settled, then!” Said James happily, and Keith wanted so badly to punch him right in his throat. “You’re all coming to the party tomorrow.”

“What happened to ‘small get-together’?” Keith spat, frowning.

James laughed, squeezing Keith’s shoulder. “With this many people coming, you might as well call it what it is. See you guys at the party.”

And he left as quickly as he came, leaving a path of destruction just like a tornado. One day soon, Keith was going to corner James and find out what the hell he was trying to get at with him. If Keith didn’t know for a fact that he was smitten with Veronica, he’d think he was trying to get into his pants.

Shiro was looking mournful. Like Keith, parties weren’t really his thing. Keith regretted getting him involved. At the time, it’d seemed like a good way to get Shiro and James in the same place for more than a few moments and find out what was going on. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Judging from James’s enthusiasm, there were going to be more people at this party than he’d originally let on, and Keith would likely be worried about looking after his drunk friends all night. Why was nothing ever easy for him?

“So, this evening?” Shiro asked over the excited party-related babbling of the others. And Keith, dumbly, was about to say, ‘No, tomorrow’ until he realized that Shiro was talking about sparring, not the party.

“Oh. Yeah, an hour after third meal?”

“Works for me.” Shiro said. His arm brushed against Keith’s when he picked up his spoon, making Keith belatedly realize that he was much too close to him now that James was gone. Blushing, he put some space between them.

——————————————— 

Shiro could’ve kicked himself. How did he end up agreeing to go to a party? He’d been to a grand total of one party in his entire life. He’d been eighteen, and he’d only gone because a hot guy he’d had a crush on asked him to. That made two times in eight years that he’d been talked into going to a party by a hot guy. Which wasn’t that many times, but it was weird that it happened twice.

He’d only wanted to ask Keith to spar before Griffin got the chance to, so when the guy had appeared out of nowhere, Shiro had jumped the gun and had butted into their conversation to ask. He’d never felt less suave in his life. And then Keith had given him an ultimatum, and God, why was nothing ever easy for him? Shiro didn’t know how to do this. He hadn’t been pining after anyone in years. He’d started dating Adam when he was twenty-one, and their relationship had been a lot less… complicated than his relationship with Keith. Nothing about Keith was conventional.

Shiro was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of someone snapping their fingers next to his ear. “Hello? Anyone home?”

“Sorry, Matt, sorry,” Shiro sighed, his fingers resuming typing on his laptop.

“You’re not going to third meal?” Matt asked, picking up the thick stack of paperwork that Shiro was working on and thumbing through it.

Shiro shook his head. “I’ll grab something quick once I’m done here. I have a lot of work to do today since I’ll be busy tomorrow night.”

“Oh, so you’re going to the party, too?” Matt asked, dropping the heavy stack of papers back on Shiro’s desk with a dull thud.

“Careful!” Shiro admonished, moving to straighten the stack before he realized what Matt said. “Wait, what? Who else is going to this party?”

Matt snorted. “Only half the crew, dude. Have you been living under a rock?”

Shiro huffed, shoulders sagging. So much for it being a “small get-together”, how manipulative. “In my office, most of the time. But yeah, I’m going to the party. So are all the paladins.”

“Wow, even Keith?” Asked Matt, which made Shiro’s hackles raise a bit.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Matt shrugged. “Nothing really. It’s just, you know, Keith’s the loner. He doesn’t like to be around people. That’s, like, his thing.”

“His thing?” Shiro repeated, frowning. He hadn’t gotten that vibe from Keith at all. He was great friends with the other paladins, and he’d always seemed to like spending time with Shiro. But now that Matt pointed it out, he never saw Keith hanging out with anyone outside of that group. Maybe occasionally Griffin, but Griffin always sought Keith out, not the other way around.

“Why would he ask me to go to a party, then?” Said Shiro, more to himself than to Matt, but Matt answered nonetheless.

“He asked you to go?” Matt asked, his eyebrows raising.

“Yeah.” Said Shiro, picking up his paperwork and tapping it against the desk to tidy it. “So?”

Matt’s brows were practically in his hairline now, a grin spreading across his face.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Holt?”

“Dude!” Said Matt, grabbing hold of Shiro’s shoulders and turning him to face him. “He likes you. He like-likes you.”

Shiro shook his head and twisted out of Matt’s grasp. “He’s still sad whenever he looks at me. He misses a me that he never knew. It would be selfish of me to try to initiate anything right now.”

Matt closed Shiro’s laptop before he could go back to work. “Matt!” Shiro protested, making a grab for his laptop, but Matt snatched it up and hid it behind his back.

“Shiro, buddy,” said Matt, spinning away each time Shiro tried to make a grab for his laptop, “Keith initiated. If he misses you, give him you!”

Shiro couldn’t help but blush at the words “give him you.” He groaned, plopping back down in his desk chair in defeat. “You really don’t think pursuing him makes me a bad person?”

Matt rolled his eyes dramatically and handed Shiro back his laptop. “No, Mr. Golden-Boy. Look, if you’re that worried about it, make a subtle move and just see how he responds. You know, when I first met Kjurop, I waited until we were alone on her space ship and I put my -“

Shiro held up a hand, grimacing. “Please don’t finish that sentence, that’s all I need to know. I got it, subtle move. I’ll try it.”

“Awesome,” said Matt, leaning against the desk. “So when do you see him next?”

Shiro checked his watch. “Uh, in about thirty minutes.” He said, trying to force down the heat that was rising in his cheeks, reluctant to tell Matt but knowing he’d ask. “We’re sparring.”

Needless to say, Shiro spent the next half hour enduring Matt’s teasing and tips and ideas.

“Don’t forget, it’s an excuse to get handsy!” Matt called after Shiro as he left the office. “If you wanted, you could make a not-so-subtle move by -“

Luckily for Shiro, the door swung shut behind him at that moment.

——————————————

When Shiro made it to the sparring area, Keith was already there stretching. Shiro watched him fold in half over himself, arms wrapped around his calves, for longer than was strictly necessary before he cleared his throat to announce his presence. Keith straightened and nodded in greeting, completely unabashed and seemingly oblivious to Shiro’s admiration.

Shiro let his gym bag drop off his shoulder and set it to the side, rolling his shoulders to warm up before stretching alongside Keith. It was a little difficult, however, to focus on balancing on one leg to stretch the other when Keith was right next to him, his legs practically a vertical line as he stretched his left leg towards the ceiling. Shiro managed somehow not to topple over. This continued on for only a few minutes before Shiro felt guilty for ogling and finished up his stretching.

“I’m good to go. You ready?”

“Very.” Said Keith, looking confident in a way that startled Shiro, considering that Griffin had defeated him in more than a few rounds the day before with sheer weight and strength before Keith’s skill won out. Shiro was much heavier and stronger than Griffin, and had much better form than Griffin did due to his time in the gladiator pits and just being more experienced in general. If Keith had some kind of delusion that Shiro couldn’t mop the floor with him, he was dead wrong. Shiro found himself getting excited. He adopted his fighting stance.

“Let’s go, then.”

Grinning, Keith took up his fighting stance as well, and they began circling one another. Shiro would take it easy on Keith these first few rounds, since he didn’t know yet what he was up against. He advanced on Keith with a move that was moderately easy to block, just to give him a fair chance. He had him right where he wanted him and was about to send him to his knees and then - Keith was a blur of limbs as he curled a leg around where Shiro’s was the next second, destabilizing him so that he could use his lesser weight to knock him down. The leg that had destabilized Shiro ended up pinning both of his legs together, and Keith’s other knee pressed the majority of his weight into Shiro’s bionic arm. With his own arms, he held down Shiro’s flesh arm. The other man had rendered all of Shiro’s limbs useless, distributing his weight and strength to each one according to how much it required. It didn’t matter that Keith was smaller and not as strong as Shiro with this strategy.

Shiro patted Keith’s wrist in surrender. Looking much too pleased with himself, Keith let him up, careful with his knees.

“Alright,” said Shiro, rubbing the feeling back into his hand where his circulation had been briefly cut off. “No more taking it easy on you.”

Keith scoffed. “You were taking it easy on me? I couldn’t tell.”

“Tease all you want. I’m about to make you eat this mat.”

“You can try.” Keith challenged, popping his knuckles.

Shiro cracked his neck in response, assuming his stance again. The banter came easily, naturally. The sparring didn’t. Even with Shiro’s new determination, Keith had him pinned again within the first minute. After watching his matches with Griffin the day before, this just didn’t make sense. It had Shiro wondering if he was off his game - but no, just yesterday, he’d sparred with Hunk with his normal skill, and Hunk was a big guy, much bigger than Keith. He wasn’t bad at hand-to-hand combat, either. Something wasn’t adding up here.

“How are you doing this?” Shiro asked the second time Keith helped him to his feet. “I saw you and Griffin yesterday; you guys were almost even. And I know I could waste Griffin. What gives?”

Keith looked up at Shiro with such intensity that Shiro had to keep himself from leaning back. A loaded silence stretched on until Keith resumed his fighting stance yet again, prompting Shiro to do the same.

“I could never beat you before.” Keith finally said. “I don’t have to learn your footwork. I did that years ago. You twitch, or your eyes dart to the side, and I know exactly what you’re going to do next because I’ve seen you do it a million times. If you want to beat me, relying on strength and skill won’t be enough. You have to learn me. You have to know me, that’s how you used to beat me.”

There was a weary depth in Keith’s eyes that convinced Shiro not to argue. Despite his continued trash-talking, he seemed to have lost a great deal of confidence with the effort it took for him to explain this to Shiro.

Shiro spent the next few of rounds studying Keith, learning his tells, watching for repetitions in his footwork instead of trying to win. Again and again he was pinned, but each time, Shiro picked up on a new pattern of Keith’s defeat strategy. After about half an hour of this, Shiro decided to stop studying and employ his new knowledge, combining it with his previous advantages in an attack that had Keith pinned underneath him so quickly that Shiro himself was surprised. He barely registered Keith’s gasp as all the air left his chest. He almost apologized before he realized he had no reason to.

He could feel the rapid rise and fall of Keith’s chest underneath one palm, and the other hand bound Keith’s wrists together next to his head. He used his own weight to pin down Keith’s lower half, having learned that a lot of his strength was in his legs. Keith looked up at him with wide, vulnerable indigo eyes, his cheeks flushed, and the position was so suggestive that if it’d been Griffin instead of himself holding it, Shiro definitely would’ve intercepted.

Keith wasn’t telling Shiro to get off, and Shiro couldn’t find the presence of mind to make himself do so. The moment was extremely fragile, and Shiro realized that it held more meaning than sexual suggestiveness. That’s what he’d initially desired this sparring match for: to fuel some little crush. Inexplicably, Shiro felt his sexual desire ebbing away, and he loosened his grip on Keith’s wrists. He just wanted to be there, to be close and intimate in an innocent way, like a drowning man to air. It terrified him.

“Keith…” He breathed, releasing the other man completely and hanging his head, having no clue in the world what he was supposed to do. Keith let out the smallest of gasps, prompting Shiro to meet those dark pools that held so much concern for him, concern that he felt undeserving of.

The sound of voices from the hall is what eventually broke the moment; Shiro wasn’t sure how long it would’ve lasted or where it would’ve led otherwise. Shiro grudgingly extracted himself from Keith’s vicinity, offering a slightly trembling hand to pull him up. Without hesitation, Keith practically ran to retrieve his bag and make his way to the exit.

“See you tomorrow.” Shiro said feebly. Keith paused just long enough to give him a curt nod, and then he vanished into the hall.

Later that night, as Shiro scrubbed off sweat in the shower, he almost wished he hadn’t won that round.

Even later that night, Shiro dreamed of Keith yet again, except when he woke up this time, some small parts stuck in his memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go, kids! I tried to work in some humor and fluff (ish?) in this chapter bc the next few chapters will be pretty heavy on the angst. Just a forewarning. But don’t forget - happy ending! We’ll get there.
> 
> Also, what Shiro remembered from his dream is up to you. I’m okay with it being open to interpretation, you guys got this. Alright, see you lovelies later!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paladins are preparing for the Balmera mission, and Keith gets to learn what kind of drunk he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who responded to my A/N to follow me on my new Sheith tumblr; ppl have been so nice. I even got a few messages and made a few friends! If you haven’t followed me and still want to, it’s @kindasheithy

Between doubling down on training and other preparations for the Balmera mission, Keith didn’t have much time to dwell on the upcoming party until he was getting ready for it. By that time, he’d learned that the term ‘small get-together’ had been used liberally - extremely liberally. The ship was abuzz with the excitement of it. These people were hardened soldiers, but most of them were still very young and had been deprived of the usual antics that people in their late teens and early twenties partook in. Keith sincerely hoped they wouldn’t try to make up for lost time; he wasn’t in the mood for babysitting a bunch of young adults getting truly drunk for the first time.

Keith wasn’t unaware that he himself was responsible, at least in part, for the trend of the party. Shiro and the paladins were enormously popular. People were always looking for an excuse to hang out with or talk to them. A party was the perfect opportunity, and Keith had personally ensured that Shiro and Team Voltron would be attending. Keith didn’t enjoy socializing in general, much less with his inhibitions lowered - which alcohol would do. 

What was worse, this party was being held at the pool. Keith hadn’t known that the Atlas even had a pool. When had that happened? He was sure that it hadn’t been when the Garrison was preparing to fight the Galra. It had more likely been a result of bored engineers, because there was an abundance of them on a ship that didn’t really need any. At least this pool wouldn’t be on the ceiling (or so Keith assumed). But what made the party being a pool party worse was that it meant that Keith would be expected to wear only swim trunks. That wasn’t so bad when he’d been on a ship with only a few other people whom he knew well, and who were just as scarred up as he was. Now, everything about it made him feel self-conscious. He knew he had a decent form, but he was extremely pasty, covered in scars, and he felt exposed. If he wore a T-shirt, people would talk. Before he knew it, half the crew would be convinced that Keith was trans, or that he had secret Galra markings, or that he was hiding hickeys (and they’d speculate on whom they were from). In order not to be the subject of the ship’s gossip for the next month and a half, he’d have to walk around shirtless. Keith thought it made him look like a douche. He felt like it said, ‘Look at my muscles, look at all my scars, I’m so cool.’ Even keeping in mind that the others would look the same way, Keith would just rather not. But he had to. He couldn’t back out of going to this party when he’d already accepted James’s invite and invited Shiro himself. He’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it. 

Looking at himself in his bathroom mirror wearing only swim trunks and a towel over his shoulders, lean muscles and scars on full display, Keith resigned himself to all the stares he’d get, good and bad. He could only hope that the alcohol and the hectic environment wouldn’t be an impetus for something dramatic. On nights like these, someone is always crying before it’s over.

There’s a knock on Keith’s door, which simultaneously makes his stomach lurch and his heart flutter. The lurching because he knew it was Shiro, come to walk him to the party. The fluttering because it was Shiro, come to walk him to the party, shirtless. Those bulging muscles affected Keith enough when they were bound by armor or a uniform. Bare, Keith wasn’t sure how he was supposed to mask his thirst. Those were the same muscles that Shiro had used to pounce on Keith as quickly and strongly as a panther the night before, rendering him defenseless. On the bright side, being caught ogling at a Shiro who didn’t know him seemed somehow less embarrassing than being caught ogling by the Shiro who did know him.

As far as facing Shiro right then went, the only thing more daunting than trying not to be seen staring was trying to pretend that the look in Shiro’s eyes before he’d unpinned him hadn’t gouged into his heart. It had been vulnerability, sorrow, and recognition. The briefest moment of recognition. Shiro had remembered him - not with memories, but with feelings. He’d been confused, Keith could tell. It was good to see that Shiro’s heart missed him, even if his brain couldn’t. It was the fastest that Keith had ever gone from turned on to horribly mournful. Keith had a growing suspicion that Shiro was crushing on him, but it was completely undercut by the fact that Shiro hadn’t flirted with him in the least before he forgot Keith. No matter how willing or charming Shiro was, Keith could not act on his feelings. It felt like… taking advantage, somehow. Like the real Shiro wouldn’t consent to it. Not to mention, Keith couldn’t be with someone who didn’t believe him when he told him the most important fact of his being: that they’d known and loved each other (in one way or another) for years. It would feel like a cheaper relationship than what it was really worth. And surely, surely Shiro wouldn’t act on his feelings for Keith (if he had them) knowing that their relationship was much deeper to Keith than it was to him. Surely he wouldn’t.

All that being said, a million thoughts and feelings were churning inside of Keith in the seconds after he heard that knock. He hesitated for so long that Shiro knocked again, this time a bit louder.

“Keith? You ready to go?” He called, his voice muffled by the door.

Keith blinked, struggling away from his mind, eyes focusing on his own reflection again. “Uh, yeah! Just a sec!” He called back, eyes dragging over his reflection once more and nervously adjusting his towel like it was an accessory. His face gave the impression that he was walking to the gallows, so he did his best to brighten it. It only worked a little.

Keith hit the button that slid his door open and - wow. He was met with a wall of solid muscle. His eyes were level with the area where Shiro’s neck met his shoulders, which was ridiculously beefy. Shiro’s torso, like his arms, wasn’t trim or angular. It was thick; corded with muscles. There was a thin smattering of ethereally white hairs below his collar, so Keith thought it was safe to assume that the curtains matched the drapes. So many scars cross-crossed his chest that it was almost more scar tissue than not; evidence of his life as a warrior and of his time in the gladiator pits. Keith, mesmerized, nearly touched a particularly mangled one without realizing it, lowering his hand halfway with an awkward wince. That would’ve been embarrassing. He raised his eyes to finally meet Shiro’s and he was surprised to see a nervous bashfulness there.

“I know, it’s a lot.” Shiro said, rubbing his neck.

Keith sputtered brows sky high. That was an abundance of confidence. Well-earned confidence, but a lot for someone who blushed if Keith so much as complimented his shirt. “You’re right. I mean, it is a lot of muscle. You’re very, um… sturdy.”

Shiro donned a crooked smile, some of the tension visibly draining from his shoulders. “Uh, thanks. I was talking about my scars, but we can talk about my muscles if you want.”

Startled butterflies erupted in Keith’s chest, his cheeks burning. Great, he didn’t even have to be caught staring. He literally just told on himself. This was already off to a lovely start. 

“Right. We should get going.” He ducked his head in a futile attempt to hide his blush, squeezing between Shiro and the doorway. Still smiling like a dork, Shiro fell into step alongside him.

After a few minutes, Keith was able to swallow down his embarrassment. He began noticing others leaving their rooms too, heading down towards the floor with the pool. None-too-subtle looks were aimed their way. At least they were making an attempt at politeness, limiting them to stolen glances rather than outright staring. Keith wasn’t sure if they were being admired or ogled at; probably a combination of the two. Shiro’s eyes were darting about the hall at the nosy crew members. He looked uncomfortable. Keith chewed his lip, scrambling for something comforting to say. He wasn’t good at this.

“I have them, too.” He said finally, and Shiro looked curiously down at him. “Scars. Not as many as you, but….”

Keith pulled his towel down to reveal his shoulders and chest, trying hard to ignore the exposed feeling he got from it in the midst of all these strangers. He had a fair amount of raised pink faults himself. Indeed, he was no match for Shiro, but he still had far more than anyone else on this ship. Once he was sure Shiro’d gotten the point, he slung the towel back over his shoulders, looking dubiously around him.

“Your scars don’t bother me. Actually, in the Blade, they’re symbols of honor. The more you have, the more respectable you are. Sort of like war medals.”

This managed to pull a small smile out of Shiro, which made his vulnerability worth it.

The elevator was filled to the brim, and Keith had a suspicion that it wasn’t by chance. Within seconds of the doors sliding closed, people were upon them. The elevator buzzed with conversation. They weren’t impolite, Keith supposed. Just curious, maybe a little starstruck. It didn’t stop Keith from wishing they’d leave him alone. He was nice to them, though. He was a celebrity, after all. He’d be spending the next few hours with nearly a hundred people like this; he had to get used to it sooner or later. 

Then again, perhaps he was too nice to them. As soon as the elevator doors slid open to the pool floor and loud party music met their ears, he was whisked away to be introduced to someone’s friends. He looked worriedly over his shoulder at Shiro, who was also being dragged off somewhere. Shiro flashed him a reassuring smile. “Make some friends! We’ll catch up later.”

Keith should’ve known this would happen. He grudgingly allowed himself to be swarmed by… fans? Is that what he should call them? Up until this point in the mission, they’d mostly minded their own business, maintaining a professional demeanor. Now, they seemed to have no qualms being open in their awe, which was strange. Keith had never been so popular before. He’d even been in class with some of these people years ago. He wondered if they remembered. They hadn’t thought he was so great back then.

At least he didn’t have to struggle to find a topic of conversation; another thing he wasn’t good at. With so many people eager to talk to him, all with some kind of questions about him or space or his battles, there was no shortage of chit chat. They seemed to be completely unconcerned with the actual pool aspect of the pool party. 

At some point, he ended up with a drink in his hand. When he finished it, it was replaced with a full one. The longer this went on, the more he found himself not detesting socialization. Before long, his face felt light and tingly and his limbs felt sort of numb. He was buzzed. He wondered what sort of drunk person he’d be. He’d never really gotten the chance to figure it out.

While nursing his third - or maybe his fourth - drink, a familiar cackle caught his attention. He turned to see Lance living his lifelong dream, surrounded by smiling girls in bikinis. Before Keith was fully aware of what he was doing, he broke off from the circle he’d been the star of to make his way over to Lance. He was a familiar face. Keith preferred familiar faces.

“Oh - okay, see you later.” Keith heard from behind him. He felt a brief pang of guilt, but it wasn’t strong enough to make him turn around. Lance could help him find Shiro and the others, whom he’d much rather be hanging out with.

Lance spotted Keith over the girls’ heads, and he also broke off from his circle to make his way to Keith’s side. “Sorry, ladies,” he called to the girls, despite the grin splitting his face. “I’ve got to help my friend here. Wow, Keith, you’re wasted! Let’s go, buddy….”

Lance pulled Keith into his side as if he needed help walking, and he managed to lead him a few steps before Keith recovered from his shock and pulled out of his grip. “What the heck, Lance? I’m fine.”

“I know,” Lance whispered, “I had to get away from them. Sorry I’m using you, but I don’t want Allura to think I’m flirting with other chicks, and I also don’t want to be mean to them. Now act tanked.”

Keith didn’t know about acting tanked, but he didn’t resist as Lance “steadied” him again, leading him towards the pool instead of the exit, finally releasing him once they were out of eyesight of their abandoned groups.

“Y’know Keith, we’ve been at a pool party for over an hour, and we haven’t been in the pool.” Lance drawled.

Had it been that long? Keith glanced at the nearly empty drink in his hand and decided that it definitely wasn’t his third. Was he drinking a normal amount? Should he be taking it a little more slowly? He opened his mouth to ask Lance what he thought, but he was thrown off by Lance’s narrowed eyes, his line of sight zeroed in on something that clearly displeased him. He followed it to find Allura on the steps of the pool surrounded by a group of men with hungry gazes. She seemed to be in the midst of a story. She either wasn’t aware of the mens’ admiration, or she just didn’t care. There was nothing flirtatious in her smile or her body language. True to her word, she kept an eye out for Pidge, who was swimming in the pool with Hunk.

“Uh, yeah, you’re right.” Said Keith, only just realizing what Lance had actually said before his mind had wandered. “We should get in the pool.”

Keith went with Lance to the pool steps, or more accurately dropped him off there. He didn’t think he should hang around for whatever conversation was about to transpire. Lance didn’t seem to notice his departure, which was fine because Keith needed to grab another drink anyway.

Keith was busy refilling his cup when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He was preparing to inform some fan what the definition of personal space was, but he turned to find Shiro instead, his brows drawn together in concern. He noted that Shiro’s trunks and hair were dry, meaning he also hadn’t been in the pool yet. Was the point of this being a pool party just so people could walk around half naked?

“Shiro, hey.” he said, lifting his drink to his lips for a sip. 

“Keith, how many drinks does that make?” Shiro asked, his hand sliding down to his elbow and gripping it not firmly enough to hold it still, but firmly enough to let Keith know that he’d like him not to take another sip.

He shrugged. “I don’t know… three?” He lied.

“You sure?” Asked Shiro, unconvinced. “Because I saw Lance keeping you from toppling over a minute ago.”

Keith frowned. For some reason, Shiro’s worrying bothered him. “Look, I appreciate the concern, but you don’t need to protect me. I’m a grown man.” 

He stubbornly took another swig of his drink for emphasis.

“I’m not trying to treat you like a kid.” Shiro said gently, releasing his elbow. “You’re my friend, I’m just looking out for you.”

“You don’t even know me.” Keith spat with a little more hostility than was probably necessary. The alcohol was making it hard to keep in feelings he’d been holding back for months now, ever since Shiro forgot him. “We’re not friends.”

Shiro looked startled. “Keith, where did that come from? Of course we are.”

“We’re not.” Keith insisted. “If we were friends, you would believe me.”

Shiro had an amusing face journey, clearly scrambling for an adequate response. Keith let out a short huff of laughter.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going to get in the pool.”

As Keith turned, it occurred to him that he hadn’t told Shiro that he’d been faking being drunk, although at this point, he wasn’t sure how much of it was faking. Well, he wasn’t staggering, at least. He didn’t get the chance to prove this to himself before Shiro’s hand shot out and hooked around his upper arm. Keith almost rolled his eyes.

“Wait, Keith… I’m sorry.”

Keith scoffed. “That doesn’t mean anything.”

He watched Shiro’s face fall, his puppy-dog eyes pleading with him. Despite himself, Keith just couldn’t keep being mean. Truly, he knew that Shiro didn’t have anything to be sorry for. He groaned at his own weakness. “Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine. Let’s go dip in the pool at least once before this party ends.”

Shiro brightened, and Keith resented how it made him feel relieved. He huffed. One thing hadn’t changed since Shiro forgot him: every moment spent with him was an emotional roller coaster for Keith, and apparently alcohol intensified the ride.

“C’mon.” He pulled his arm out of Shiro’s hand and replaced it with his hand, tugging him towards the pool.

No sooner had Keith made it to the pool steps than James all but materialized in front of him. Keith sighed. Was he ever going to get in the pool tonight?

“Keith, there you are! And Shiro. A group of us are playing never have I ever, come hang out with us.”

Keith raised an eyebrow, skeptical. What kind of adults wanted to play a drinking game that was nothing more than fuel for gossip and blackmail later on? “Uh, no thanks.”

“Oh, c’mon, it’ll be fun.” Said James, and without waiting for an answer, he gripped Keith’s wrist and led him away from the pool, creating a train with Shiro still holding his hand behind him. Keith fought to keep his drink from sloshing out of his cup as he was dragged to the corner of the pool room, where he found that all of their other friends had already congregated on the furniture. 

The MFEs and the paladins seemed to be getting along fabulously. Even Kinkade seemed to have pulled that stick out of his ass, and Leifsdottir seemed slightly less robotic. Further benefits of alcohol, Keith presumed. Pidge was leaning against Hunk, more giggly than usual, but she seemed more buzzed than drunk. Allura had probably restricted her to the wine coolers. Lance, for his part, was still looking a little miffed, but he seemed relieved that Allura was now next to him with no competitors around.

“The gang’s all here.” Veronica announced, grinning up at them from the sofa. “Let’s unearth some secrets.”

‘This is childish,’ Keith thought, and he barely restrained himself from saying as much. He caught Lance’s eye. With an arched brow, he glanced pointedly between Keith’s hands, then back up at his face. Bleatedly realizing that his left wrist still hung in James’s grip and his right hand was still holding Shiro’s, Keith gently pulled his arms inward. James let him slip easily from his grasp, but Shiro hesitated a moment before letting go. Keith didn’t have time to analyze that, because the next moment, Veronica retrieved a bottle of vodka from underneath one of the couch cushions, and the game commenced.

While the others duked it out over who would go first, James squeezed between Veronica and Lance (at Lance’s show of indignation, Keith almost laughed out loud), and Shiro and Keith took the last empty sofa.

Allura was tapping her chin, her brows furrowed. “I don’t believe I’ve ever played this game. Is it common on Earth?”

“Only at parties.” Said Pidge, looking more devious than it was safe for a buzzed near-seventeen-year-old to be. Keith sincerely hoped she didn’t have any dirt on him. “Everyone in the circle takes turns saying something crazy that they haven’t done, and anyone who has done it has to take a shot.”

Right. Keith looked at the brand new drink he’d just gotten, knowing he’d have to empty his cup so that vodka could be poured into it when he had to drink. Hopefully that wouldn’t be soon; he hadn’t really done anything never have I ever-worthy, that he could think of. He nervously began taking more frequent gulps of his drink. The concerned glances Shiro sent his way were not lost on him. He made sure no parts of their bodies were touching because he’d already proven that he was too uninhibited at the moment to fully control his emotions.

“Wonderful!” Allura exclaimed, smiling in an innocent way that led Keith to believe that she didn’t quite understand the cut-throat nature of the game. “I’ll start us off, then.”

Lance placed a hand tentatively on Allura’s upper arm, doubtful. “Maybe I should -“

“I’ve never milked a cow.” Said Allura, completely ignoring Lance’s warning and her eyes holding a clear challenge. “Did I do it right? That’s something ‘crazy’ that I’ve never done.”

Her confidence made Keith suspect that she, in fact, knew that someone in the circle had milked a cow. Everyone else seemed to have come to this conclusion as well, looking dubiously around the circle for the milker. Allura was feigning innocence, and Pidge was smirking evilly. Finally, Lance let out an exaggerated groan, holding out his cup so that Veronica could pour some vodka into it. Why? And when?

“That was targeted.” Lance pouted, swallowing down the alcohol with a grimace.

“Is that against the rules?” Allura asked, her voice deceptively sweet. Keith couldn’t help but wonder how their conversation earlier had gone down.

“No,” Veronica laughed, “Lance, cuando esto pasó? We don’t have any cows at home!”

Lance glared at her. “In space. I used Kaltenecker to make everyone milkshakes.”

At the same time as Veronica squealed, “You used unpasteurized milk?!”, Keith asked, “And where was I?”

“Not a lot of options in space.” Lance told Veronica, then turned to Keith. “It’s when you were with the Blade. You missed some pretty rockin’ milkshakes.”

“I wouldn’t have drank unpasteurized milk, anyway.”

“I’m with the emo guy.” Said Kinkade, suppressing a shudder.

Allura rounded on Lance. “You said it was normal to drink that stuff on Earth!” She accused.

“It is,” said James, “when it’s pasteurized. You know, made to taste better and safer to drink.”

“There weren’t a lot of options!” Lance defended, bristling.

“Alright, enough talk about milking!” Said Pidge, shifting forward to get everyone’s attention. “I’m next. Never have I ever gotten it on with a rock.”

Hunk shrugged, unbothered, and held out his cup for a shot. “Shay isn’t a rock,” he clarified, “she’s a beautiful alien space lady who happens to be composed of mostly rocks.”

There were whoops for him from the group, and he got a bit pink-cheeked, downing his shot with no hesitation.

“So it’s my turn, I guess. I don’t really know anything juicy about anyone, so let’s see… never have I ever accidentally flashed someone.”

Uh oh. Keith looked dolefully into his nearly half-full cup, braced himself, and downed it in a few long swallows, shivering at the kick. Shiro looked disapproving. Again, Keith ignored him, holding out his cup for a shot.

“That’s something I never needed to see.” Lance murmured, to the shock of all their friends. Thank you, Lance, for opening that can of worms.

“Wait, you - Keith - you saw -“ Shiro sputtered, looking wide-eyed between Lance and Keith.

“He doesn’t know how to knock.” Keith supplied gruffly, swallowing his shot in one go. He had to press his fist to his mouth to keep from burping out loud.

“I knocked!” Lance cried, “You didn’t answer!”

“You only waited, like, two seconds. What’s the point of knocking if you just open the door without waiting for permission?”

“Who just leaves his door unlocked?”

“I certainly don’t anymore.” Keith grumbled. “It’s Leifsdottir’s turn.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Said Pidge, waving her hands. “I think we all want to know what Keith’s packing.”

“Pidge!” Keith protested, scandalized. 

“Well, I didn’t get a good look at the front, but the back -“

“Lance!” Keith spat, a warning growl in his voice.

“What? You have a nice ass, don’t be ashamed. Guys, doesn’t Keith have a nice ass?”

To Keith’s horror, there were multiple nods of assentment. Keith turned to Shiro to see if he, at least, would defend his honor, but Shiro only gave him a bashful grin, red blooming across his face almost instantaneously. Keith groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

This went on for a few rounds, and Keith learned things about the others that he really shouldn’t know. For instance: he learned that Veronica’s breasts were two different sizes, which apparently wasn’t terribly unusual, he learned that James was the only one of them who’d had more than two sexual partners, he learned that Leifsdottir was a lesbian, and he learned, most recently, that Shiro was a top. After that one, he sensed an impending ‘bottom’ never-have-I-ever, and he intended to be long gone before that happened. He’d never hear the end of it from the three musketeers if he had to fess up to that one.

Keith muttered some excuse that involved the bathroom (he wasn’t sure exactly what he said; five shots into this game and he was a little closer to tanked) and stood to make his escape.

“Agh, you coward!” Lance called as Keith left the group, and in this instance, he wasn’t wrong. He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone, but it was better than saying something like that outright.

The trip to the bathroom was a bit of a blur, and Keith’s walking wasn’t the most coordinated. It was only when Keith made it there that he realized he actually did have to pee. He’d consumed an abundance of liquid in the past couple of hours. And it was there, washing his hands after he’d finished his business, that he met a new friend. Smithson was his name. He’d remembered being in class with Keith years ago, and now he was a huge fan. He was fun and undemanding, and Keith willingly accompanied him to meet his girlfriend. Meeting the girlfriend, Keith also met Smithson’s other close friends. They made a tight-knit group of five, and they sort of reminded Keith of his own friends. He decided to stay with them for a while, accepting a couple more drinks as they talked. What they talked about specifically, Keith couldn’t remember. He just knew that it was easy to talk to them, and they liked exhilaration. There was loud, guffawing laughter, arm-wrestling, outrageous stories, and, eventually a challenge for the pool.

They wanted to jump in it. Actually, they wanted to do a running flip into the deep end. To sober Keith, this would’ve been a bad idea. Sober Keith would have told himself that the leader of Voltron shouldn’t be seen behaving carelessly. He would’ve realized that running in a pool room with wet floors was dangerous; that he could slip, could hit his head on the concrete pool edge as he fell and down, unnoticed in the crowded pool with the low lighting and booming music. But sober Keith had long since clocked out, and to drunk Keith, this looked like a bit of fun. He and a few of his new friends made their way to the back of the pool, lining up horizontally all the way against the wall. Keith stumbled the whole way, but managed not to faceplant. He reached up to discard his towel, but found that he’d already lost it at some point. Where and when was a mystery. He barely registered someone beginning a countdown, and he crouched, preparing hinself to launch towards the pool. Three… two… one….

Before Keith even moved, the world went topsy-turvy. For a moment, he thought he had faceplanted, after all, and that his trip to the ground was in slow-motion. However, he blinked his eyes blearily open to the sight of a broad back, and he realized that his hands were planted on warm skin for leverage. He felt a pressure against his abs and a strong arm wrapped around the back of his thighs. He was being carted off, slung over someone’s shoulder like a rag doll. He focused on the back again - it was littered with scars. This… this was Shiro’s back. By the time he realized this, the lights were brighter and the music was gone, which Keith took to mean that they weren’t in the pool room anymore.

“Hm… Shiro?” He slurred. “What are you doing?”

Shiro said something back - his chest vibrated with speech, Keith could feel it - but his voice was just a pleasant blur for Keith. He hummed again, pressing his cheek into the dip of Shiro’s back and letting his eyes fall shut. Distantly, he was  
aware of how utterly hammered he was, which was surprising. He thought he’d be the one having to take care of other drunk people and drag them away from the pool. Hm, the pool. Keith hadn’t even gotten in it, and he was sure Shiro hadn’t, either. They’d spent hours at a pool party, and not once had they gotten into the pool. Keith laughed lazily against Shiro’s back at the thought. He’d been so close, too. He found that he didn’t really mind. Shiro was nice and warm and soothing, so Keith allowed himself to relax fully against him. That’s as far as his memory can hold out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you’re all excited for chapter 8… at least I hope!
> 
> Again, @kindasheithy is my new tumblr. Check it out! Say hi to me I’d love to talk to you!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith gets a wake-up call, and the Balmera mission is upon them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry it’s been like over a week since I updated. College, yanno? And also this chapter is, like, way longer that ones I usually write so… please enjoy it
> 
> As a side note, it’s been a long time since I watched the Balmera episodes. I went off what I remember bc I didn’t feel like rewatching them, so if I get something wrong then sorry but oh well
> 
> (Also! This is a long shot but just in case anyone is triggered by graphic depictions of drowning… maybe skip the last few paragraphs and read the end notes for a much less graphic explanation of what happened. I know this is kind of a spoiler, but I’d rather spoil the end of the chapter than cause anyone harm <3)

The first thing that Keith realized upon waking up was that he was terribly thirsty. He had the sort of thrumming headache that accompanied dehydration, and he didn’t even want to think about opening his eyes, but he knew he’d have to in order to get water. He groaned quietly, squirming the sleep-stiffness from his muscles and rubbing his face into his pillow. But the pillow didn’t really feel like his and the smell was a lot more musky than what he was used to. Immediately he knew that he wasn’t in his own room. A brief series of images flashed through his mind - game, bathroom, new friends, pool, Shiro - he had to be in Shiro’s room. It took him a moment to piece things together. The last clear memory that he had was of leaving his group for the bathroom. After that… after that, at some point, he’d been about to jump into the pool, but Shiro had caught him off guard and hauled him away. 

He didn’t read anything into being taken to Shiro’s room instead of his own; Shiro didn’t know the code to open Keith’s door (Keith certainly hadn’t been in any state to tell him), and Keith could feel that his swim trunks were still on. What he did read into was being taken anywhere at all. He groaned again with the effort it took to sit up and hunched over, rubbing crusty sleep from his eyes before blinking them open groggily.

The room was an unfocused blur, but even so it was clear that this was the captain’s quarters. It was four times the size of Keith’s own room, the bed was twice as wide as his own, and he glimpsed what appeared to be a full-sized bathroom from where the door was cracked on the opposite end of the room. Keith shivered, the warm duvet calling him back, and he drew it up around his shoulders, fighting not to slip back into sleep.

The, “How are you feeling?” from a few feet to his left was unexpected, causing him to snap his head towards the source, bleary eyes wide. Really, he should’ve known that Shiro was around here somewhere. It was his room, after all. It took a few more forceful blinks before Keith could register that Shiro had respectfully left as much distance as possible between them, almost on the edge of the bed. His hair was sleep-tousled. He was leaning against the headboard and holding his tablet close to his face, as if Keith’s waking had disrupted some task. Something in Keith’s chest clenched painfully at the domesticity of the scene.

Keith sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “Sick.” He replied, which he hoped summed up nausea, headache, thirst, the urge to pee, and feeling like his heart was beating too hard.

With a sympathetic smile, Shiro twisted to retrieve something off the floor next to the bed and - woah. There was his back, bare as it had been the night before, muscles toned and plentiful. He looked like a Renaissance sculpture. This moment was very brief in actuality, but it kept flashing in Keith’s mind like a snapshot. Seconds later, Shiro was extending his bionic hand, offering him a water bottle.

“Thanks,” Keith croaked, accepting the bottle and twisting off the cap. “What happened last night? How dumb was I?”

Shiro chuckled, tilting his head in thought. “Let’s see… you disappeared in the middle of the game, and I didn’t see you again for about an hour. I saw you hanging out with some people I’m pretty sure you don’t know, but you looked happy, so I left you alone. I saw you again a little while after that, and you seemed way more drunk. Someone was daring you to go skinny-dipping with them, and you said you’d do it.”

Keith’s eyes widened, and a large gulp of water slid painfully down his throat when he hastened to swallow it. “What?!”

“You forgot about it pretty much right after you said it. Anyway, I would’ve stepped in before that happened. The next thing I knew, your new friend said something about flipping into the pool, and you almost did, but I had to stop you then. You could barely walk, and you didn’t even realize I was talking to you, so, uh….” Shiro cleared his throat, rubbing his neck awkwardly. “I brought you here to sleep it off. Sorry, I couldn’t get into your room, and I couldn’t just leave you. You were completely out of it.”

Keith waved away Shiro’s apology, shame preventing him from looking him in the eye. “No, I’m sorry you had to leave the party early and take care of me. I didn’t mean to get so plastered. I’m never like that, I swear.”

Shiro shrugged. “I wasn’t really having fun, anyway. I only went because you invited me.”

There it was. Shiro just gave Keith a clear opening. A gentle invitation to take the conversation in another direction. Keith had known that Shiro had only gone for him, but he’d refused the temptation to pick at that fact, like a scabbing wound, until this moment. Shiro wanted Keith to tell him why he’d invited him; he wanted it to be something that it wasn’t. Keith had only gone and invited Shiro in order to get some answers out of James. That hadn’t gone according to plan.

As if sensing what was on his mind somehow, Shiro asked, “And you only went because James invited you, right?”

Shiro’s tone and averted eyes implied that he wanted Keith to tell him no, tell him that that wasn’t true, and just like that, it clicked. All of James’s suspicious behavior, the way he only seemed to show up when Shiro was there too, how downright normal he acted when Shiro wasn’t there. Keith understood. He was too shocked to even figure out how he felt about it.

“No,” he said after a moment, realizing he’d been silent for too long. He decided to go with… some version of the truth. Hopefully a safe answer. “I didn’t go for James. We’re not even friends, really. He just doesn’t know how to mind his own business. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so I wanted you there too, someone I trust. And I’m glad you were, because you kept me from probably cracking my skull open on the pool edge.”

Keith let out a hesitant laugh, but it died on his lips when Shiro didn’t laugh too. His eyes were stormy, his mouth set in a tight, thoughtful line. He set his tablet aside and shifted to face Keith fully. Keith couldn’t help but lean away a fraction and tense his shoulders, the impending conversation causing him to feel defensive.

“Keith… I need to ask you something, and let me know if I’m overstepping any boundaries.”

Keith began nervously thumbing the hem of the sheets, his heart beat picking up and thudding angrily in his chest. “Okay.”

Shiro opened his mouth, then shut it again, furrowing his brows. He let out a frustrated huff of air through his nose. Keith waited patiently until Shiro sat up straight, looking at him determinedly.

“In your memories,” he began, lifting a hand to gesture between them, “What were we?”

Keith’s gaze fell to his lap, his heart beating harder than ever. “Shiro….” He said softly, silently begging him not to dig into this wound.

“Because the way you act…” Shiro plowed on, his voice more confident than before, “You act like I broke your heart. In the hospital, when you realized I didn’t know you, you were… horrified. And you try to hide it, but most of the time when you look at me, you just look so… so shattered. I need to know how you see me.”

Keith’s chest clenched even tighter, to the point where it was almost hard to breathe. He felt something akin to panic creeping up on him. “Shiro,” he tried again, “please don’t.”

“Everyone is treating you like your soulmate just died. People don’t do that for friends. There’s something that you aren’t telling me about. Keith, please tell me the truth.”

Keith clenched his teeth against sounds that wanted to come out of him, but he couldn’t stop the tears rolling down his cheeks, so he covered his face with his hands. He tried to focus on breathing evenly. This couldn’t be happening. Nothing… nothing even close to this had happened when Shiro knew him. Not now. Not like this.

“Keith.” There was a tentative touch to his shoulder. When Keith didn’t pull away, Shiro planted his hand firmly there as a grounding presence, like he used to do to calm and comfort Keith. Keith wondered if subconsciously, the reflex stuck. He wondered how it made Shiro feel. “Keith, don’t be afraid. It’s okay. I promise.”

And Keith hated that he was so spot-on, because it was a cruel mockery of the way Shiro used to know him. He wasn’t embarrassed, or worried that Shiro didn’t feel that way for him, or in denial. He was afraid. He was terrified, because if he let this happen, then it meant accepting that the Shiro who knew him was gone. It would feel like a death. But Shiro’s hand was a warm anchor on his shoulder, and it was unrelenting. Keith knew that Shiro would only persist until Keith admitted it.

“I… I loved you.” Keith said shakily. He couldn’t bring himself to use present tense, because that would mean an invitation. “And you never said how you felt. I might not ever know.”

Keith still didn’t look up, but he felt the blankets shift next to him. The hand on his shoulder moved to overlap Keith’s left hand, his other hand doing the same to Keith’s other hand. Keith felt the warmth of one thumb sliding against his palm and the smoothness of another thumb sliding into his other, and he couldn’t find it in himself to resist when Shiro pulled his hands away, revealing his face. He couldn’t have been a pretty sight. His face had to be blotchy from crying and rubbing it, and his lips were probably stained an odd color from last night’s drinks, and his hair was always ratty upon waking, but Shiro didn’t seem to be taking notice of any of those things. Keith realized too late that Shiro was leaning in, his human hand moving to cup his jaw. 

A small, sharp gasp punched his chest. “Shiro,” he said quickly, but the ‘don’t’ was lost in his throat as Shiro’s lips connected with his. They were soft and very slightly chapped and warm, and they tasted of the minty toothpaste that he must’ve used this morning. Keith could feel Shiro’s morning stubble scratching against his cheek as his mouth moved, his hand against his jaw making the skin there tingle sweetly and tempting him to lean into it, and it was all he’d ever hoped for and then some. Just the vicinity and the slide of his lips was dizzying, and Keith wanted to keep it so badly. Wanted to relax and let his eyes fall closed and reciprocate and indulge himself, but something far more powerful than that desire reared it’s head within him, lending him the strength to shove Shiro back by his shoulders. Keith could hear the blood roaring in his ears. He flung the duvet off himself and clamored off the bed, panting. 

“What the hell, Shiro?” Keith demanded angrily, fists clenched.

Shiro looked well and truly shocked, his hands still hovering in front of him where Keith had been seconds ago. “I-I’m sorry, I should’ve asked permission. I thought you felt the same.”

Keith glared at him incredulously. “That’s why you think I’m mad? Because you think I don’t feel the same way?”

Shiro opened and closed his mouth several times, looking helplessly around the room. “Why else would someone get mad when you kiss them?”

Keith felt white-hot anger rip through him, temporarily numbing the pain and fear he’d grown used to in the past couple of months. Keith wasn’t sure whether it was at Shiro, or Haggar, or the overall situation, or the universe, but he knew he needed to get out of here before he said something that he’d regret later.

He took one last look at Shiro’s clueless, worried expression. “Fuck you.” He ground out, voice strained, before he slammed the button to open the door and stormed out, resolving to get as far away from Shiro as this ship would allow.

——————————————

Keith could remember the first time that he felt a sliver of hope - a teeny, tiny light in the harsh, dark oblivion that was his life - since his father died. He remembered that feeling in his core.

‘You’re getting a second chance.’

Keith remembered falling in love innocently. Without desire or greed. He remembered his early days spent at the Garrison, when gradually each time that his eyes fell upon Shiro, he felt a surge of affection that he did not and could not feel for anyone else. He wanted Shiro to be happy and safe and to never change. 

Keith remembered early mornings in the flight simulator, Keith enamored with Shiro’s practiced skill and Shiro enthralled by Keith’s raw talent. He remembered getting better and better with the years, until he no longer needed Shiro’s help, yet Shiro never stopped helping him.

Keith remembered evenings racing hoverbikes underneath a golden sky, Shiro slowing his own so that he could ride alongside Keith and encourage him. Eventually, he didn’t have to slow down. Eventually, he had to push himself to keep up with Keith. Still, he never tired of the way Shiro outmaneuvered him, pulling off some stunt that Keith wouldn’t have thought possible.

Keith remembered when Shiro caught him sneaking off base one weekend without authorization. When he found out where Keith was going, he went with him, which stunned Keith, as he’d never seen Shiro properly break the rules until then. It was the first time anyone had ever visited his father’s grave with him. They stayed there until stars twinkled in the sky, and that’s when Keith realized that what he felt was love. He didn’t try to dissect it; he was content with the fact that it was the only patient and kind thing in his life.

Keith looked at those same stars now and felt nothing. He used to love them because Shiro loved them, and in that right, the stars belonged to them. It’s only fitting that now, as Keith gazed blankly through the glass walls of the Lion’s Den, he saw nothing more than too many little white dots against a background of emptiness. These useless lights had taken Shiro from him.

Whenever Keith attempted to pinpoint in his mind when he lost Shiro, all he accomplished was anxiety welling in his chest. It might have been after that ‘pilot error’. That’s the first time that the loss of Shiro had hollowed Keith. When Shiro had returned, he’d been broken and battered. He was simultaneously the same and completely different, and maybe he’d lost him then. Keith had buried it.

Then, Shiro had died. Keith hadn’t even known, and that in and of itself gouged something in Keith’s soul. Then again, maybe he had known somehow, deep down. Even when he saved the clone that he thought was Shiro, the hollowness didn’t truly recede. He hadn’t been able to stay. He’d joined the Blade. He’d buried it again.

There was a short time that the hollowness left him altogether. Shiro had come back to him, and after Sendak’s defeat, they’d had a reprieve on Earth. With some breathing room, Keith had allowed himself to fall even deeper, to hope more than ever, only to have Shiro snatched away from right under his nose. When Keith had rescued him again and Shiro hadn’t remembered him, the hollowness had slammed Keith again. He’d resisted it with all his might. He’d gone into self-defense the only way he knew how: denial. After losing him so many times, after everything, he couldn’t have lost him again. He couldn’t handle it.

Then Shiro kissed him, and Keith couldn’t remain in denial any longer. If Shiro had known him, it wouldn’t have happened like that… if it happened at all. Shiro wasn’t his anymore. He’d lost him. The tragedy was bittersweet. Not as horrible as the other times because Shiro was safe and happy, blissfully ignorant. Worse than the other times because Shiro’s memories of the time they had together - the things that mattered to Keith more than anything - had been erased. There was no closure to be had here. Keith’s Shiro was gone, and he took everything with him. 

In a way, Keith was grateful for the pain. It was a reminder that everything he remembered was real.

The following days, Keith channeled all his anguish and rage into training for the Balmera mission. He ran the team through practices for hours, and afterwards he trained himself even longer, until he was trembling with exhaustion and maybe, maybe he could get a few hours of dreamless sleep. He’d never been so relieved to be facing impending danger; if he didn’t have that to focus on, to distract him from Shiro, he’d surely go insane.

And oh, did he ever need a distaction from Shiro. To say that Keith was actively avoiding him would be an understatement. He was taking preemptive measures to ensure that they didn’t even end up on the same deck, much less the same room. He’d stopped joining his friends for meals because wherever they were, Shiro tended to be. Sometimes he couldn’t bring himself to eat at all. He’d lay in bed in the dark of his room and go to sleep early, only to have nightmares of Shiro being taken, of being left alone. He’d face the day after a fitful sleep with dark circles under his eyes and his mind murky. This all concerned Shiro, of course. He was terribly busy, but the little free time he did have seemed to be spent trying relentlessly to corner Keith, to talk about what had happened, but it was pointless when he didn’t understand.

Every now and then, Keith’s efforts weren’t enough to prevent him from glimpsing Shiro as he stepped out of an elevator, or stepped through a doorway. Shiro would open his mouth to speak, but Keith would promptly turn away and find somewhere else to be. Until he learned to accept that the life he’d had - and the one he might have had - with Shiro was gone, looking at him was too painful. He couldn’t pretend he was okay, and no amount of talking through it was going to change that. Shiro had been his everything. He still was, but Keith was no longer his.

Keith sometimes wondered if it would have been less painful to have never met Shiro. He would never, ever give up those memories, but he couldn’t help but wonder. He just wanted to rest. 

Keith just wanted to sleep without dreaming.

—————————————

Two and a half weeks post-mission launch, they reached the closest Balmera. The mission for the crystal wasn’t dire, but it was important. Not only would the added fuel cut their travel time in half, but it also meant that neither the Atlas nor Voltron would need to be concerned with their power levels depleting during battle.

“This doesn’t look like any balmera I’ve ever seen.” Lance observed, his lion soaring at Keith’s right flank.

“You’ve only seen one.” Pidge said flatly from his left.

“Yeah, well, this one doesn’t look like the last one.”

Keith had to agree. The being was gray and rocky like the last, but unlike the last, the surface glistened with small crystals, and many of the caves carved into the rock, the ones where Balmerans lived and where the larger crystals were supposed to reside, were filled with water.

“This is what a Balmera is supposed to look like,” Allura explained. “The Galra nearly killed the last one we saw. This one is healthy and young.”

“Shay never told me that.” Said Hunk, his voice filled with wonder. The being was quite mystical.

“We need to make contact with the Balmerans,” Keith reminded them, scanning the surface for a safe spot to land. “We don’t have the Atlas to back us up. If anything goes south, it’ll take them half an hour to reach us from where we left them, so let’s focus on getting in and out of here as quickly as possible.”

“Yeah, I still don’t understand that part,” said Lance. “The power that the Atlas exudes might attract the Galra from the neighboring sector, but the Balmera has, like, a bajillion of the same crystals that the Atlas uses. How would they know the power wasn’t coming from the Balmera?”

“Atlas’s presence would cause a surge in the power readings from this area,” Pidge explained in a tired tone. She often had to explain things like this more than once. “The Galra’s bound to notice that.”

Keith laid eyes on a relatively flat area that looked barely large enough to fit all the lions. “Guys, follow me.”

It wasn’t the smoothest or most strategic landing point, but it would have to do. They didn’t have time to dawdle.

Allura was the first one outside of her lion after Keith. She’d hefted her bayard to rest on her shoulder, her eyes darting from cave to cave in search of, Keith assumed, one that looked habitable for Balmerans.

“Ugh,” Hunk groaned, stepping out of Yellow’s jaw, “one more landing like that, and first meal is making a second appearance.”

“Please don’t barf on the Balmera.” Said Pidge, walking alongside Lance to converge in the center of the circle of lions. “It might not give us crystals if you do that.”

Lance shook his head at the very thought. “Shiro would kill us if we blew this mission; he’s been - ow!” He’d been cut off by Pidge’s elbow jabbing sharply into his side. Lance’s back curled and he massaged his aching ribs.

“What the heck, Pidge? Why - oh…“ Pidge gave Lance a pointed glare, one that implied that this had been something they’d discussed beforehand. Lance looked at Keith sheepishly, still holding his side protectively. “Sorry, Keith.”

Keith had been expecting this. Of course they noticed his behavior since the morning after the party. Of course they noticed he’d been avoiding the person he cared about the most. It didn’t help that the last time anyone saw Shiro and Keith getting along, they’d been drunk and heading to Shiro’s room together. Keith didn’t know what kind of idea everyone had about what’d happened that night, but it was a probably wrong. A simple kiss had been Keith’s trigger. But as unfair as it all was, he shouldn’t be letting his angst affect his teammates. Shiro was their leader, too.

“Guys, you don’t have to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to Shiro. Actually, I’d rather you didn’t. I’m fine.”

Keith made his way down his ramp with his eyes downcast, joining the others in the center of the lions. He felt a hesitant hand on his shoulder.

“You sure?” Asked Lance, squeezing his shoulder. 

“Whatever happened that night, you’ve changed.” Said Allura. “We just want to help.”

Keith shrugged off Lance’s hand, annoyed, and began picking his way across the jagged ground towards some cave openings a few dozen yards ahead. His team had no choice but to follow.

“Not that it’s any of your guys’ business,” Keith began as he set a brisk pace, “but I slept in Shiro’s room. That’s all. Then something happened that woke me up from my stupid daydream.”

“Daydream?” Hunk echoed through a pant, straining to keep up with Keith’s angry speed.

“Yes,” said Keith, slowing down a fraction so that Pidge, who was a few paces behind, could catch up. “My daydream that I could somehow be okay with Shiro not remembering me. I can’t be around him like he is, it… it eats away at me constantly. So no, I’m not fine, but I’d be closer to it if you guys didn’t treat me like I’m made of glass. I’m a grown man. I can handle this myself.”

‘Not to mention, it hurts my pride as a leader’ was left unsaid.

“We aren’t implying that you can’t.” Said Allura, the only one who wasn’t having trouble staying in stride with him. “We’re saying that you don’t have to. You shouldn’t have to.”

“Guys…” Keith muttered, slowing his steps and looking upwards.

“Keith.” Pidge insisted. “We’re here to help you, if you’d just let us -“

“No, guys,” Keith said with more emphasis, raising his hand to point. “Look.”

Their gazes followed to where he was pointing: a massive cave opening ahead of them that had some foreign script etched into the stone surrounding it. The path before it looked well-worn, and there was no water to be seen inside it.

“We’ve found some Balmerans!” Allura exclaimed.

“Well, that was easy,” said Pidge, her glasses flashing in the muted sunlight. “I didn’t even get the chance to scan for life forms under the surface.”

“Yeah,” Lance chuckled, “we should always follow Keith when he’s pissed off.”

From behind him, Keith heard a dull thump and a quiet “oof”, which he took to mean that Lance had earned himself another elbow. Keith wasn’t paying much attention; instead he slowly began approaching the gaping chasm.

——————————————

After spending the better part of an hour conversing with Balmerans, who were more than happy to assist Team Voltron, they formulated a more in-depth plan: as none of their lions were large enough to hold a battleship-class crystal and the smaller crystals weren’t powerful enough for the Atlas, each of the paladins would take their lion into a cave, led by a Balmeran, to retrieve a medium-sized crystal. Five medium-sized crystals had to be near-equivalent to one battleship-class. The water would make the retrieval more difficult, but the natives knew how to do it safely.

“We each only get one chance to do this correctly.” Keith told the others before they split up. “The retrieval of just one crystal will probably take at least an hour. We can’t risk staying here any longer than that. If you don’t get the crystal within our time limit, you don’t get it at all.”

They looked worried, but right now, they needed to understand the importance of their first and only attempt. Whether or not they defeated Haggar could be determined by the power sources they gather here.

“No pressure.” Hunk muttered sarcastically.

Behind them, the Balmerans that had been tasked with aiding them were smirking and stifling giggles, as if this were the most exciting thing that had ever happened to them. There was no end to their amusement, even in the face of such a weighted situation.

“C’mon, guys!” Lance encouraged, tossing one arm around Hunk’s shoulders and the other around Pidge and Allura’s. “We got this! All we have to do is go for a dive, make our lions eat a crystal, then haul ass back to the Atlas. It’ll be a piece of cake!”

“Sure,” Pidge said flatly, “it’s not like we’ll be in dark, narrow caves with limited visibility and mobility and be as good as dead if we get stuck down there, or anything. Piece of cake.”

“That’s the spirit!” Lance cheered, ruffling Pidge’s hair. Pidge swatted his hands away and began the trek towards the cave exit, presumably back to her lion. “Let’s go, Axlo,” she called to her Balmeran guide, who effortlessly caught up to her with one long stride to her every three. Following her lead, the others paired off with their guides and made for the exit.

Keith raised an eyebrow at his guide, a girl Balmeran named Feya. “You ready?”

Feya giggled, the bubbly, light sound odd coming from such a tall and tough being. “I think I should be the one to ask you that, Black Paladin. Yes, I am ready.”

Keith supposed that he was as ready as he’d ever be. Not being ready was not an option on the table at the moment, and neither was failure. They needed this power boost. Keith had made a promise to kill Haggar for her transgressions against the universe. A promise that he intended to keep.

———————————————

When Lance and Hunk told Keith how well the lions swam, he hadn’t quite understood what they’d meant. Now he did.

Black glided through the stagnant cave water as easily as if she were flying through the atmosphere or gliding through space. Her only shortcoming, ironically, was her size. As large as she was, it was difficult to navigate the caves, which grew progressively more narrow the deeper they dove. Careful not to clip Black’s wings on a jagged protrusion of rock from the cave ceiling, Keith followed Feya’s confident guidance through the dark, dank chasms for what felt like hours.

Pidge was the first to find and load a crystal, or course, her lion being more small and agile than the rest and therefore better equipped for underwater cave-diving.

Lance came second over the coms only moments after Pidge, reporting success.

Allura reported that she was returning to the surface with a crystal not long after that.

Hunk’s report came several minutes after the others’. Besides Black, Yellow was the largest lion, and also the heaviest. Not quite the best for underwater cave-diving, but he’d done it.

That left Keith as the last Paladin yet to come upon a decent-sized crystal, and time was not on his side. At best, he had half an hour to find, load, and return with a crystal. Keith tried to keep in mind that his lion was the least adept to this task and that finding crystals was not an exact science, but it was a bit disheartening to be the team leader and come in last place. That was bad enough already, on top of his team treating him like a fragile trauma patient. Returning empty-handed was out of the question.

“Ahead, look!” Feya exclaimed as if on cue. “I see a light through the darkness - it appears to be coming from a large crystal.”

Keith saw it a few moments after her light-reflective eyes did. A blue glow emanated from somewhere within the murky waters ahead, and it was brighter by far than any of the human-sized or smaller crystals they’d come across thus far. As they approached it, the bright, blurry image became clear. The thing was exactly what Keith had been looking for: it was the size of a car, and appeared to be just small enough to fit through Black’s maw.

“Oh, no….” Feya breathed, her expression pulling into a frown.

“What is it?”

Feya pointed to the cave ceiling. “Usually there is some space above the crystals that is free of water, but this cave is completely submerged.”

Keith raised an eyebrow at her. “Meaning?”

Feya forlornly sat on the floor and sighed. “We must ask the Balmera to give the crystal to us. We communicate through physical contact with the walls, but there is no dry wall to touch.”

Keith turned back towards the crystal, noticing that its bottom and side were encased in rock that would not be budged unless the Balmera allowed it.

“Why does the wall have to be dry?”

“It does not,” Feya shrugged, “necessarily. But in order to touch the Balmera you would have to be in the water without your suit, which is too dangerous.”

Keith clenched his jaw, sizing up the cave and his gaze locking on to the nearest spire of rock protruding from the bottom of the cave. “How dangerous?”

Feya’s eyes widened. “The water is treacherous and harsh. It is impossible to see farther than your hands can reach. Invisible currents sweep away anything close to the cave floor.”

Keith only deliberated for a moment before standing and starting to shuck of his gear. “Good thing I’m not going near the cave floor, then.”

Feya stood abruptly, her expression startled. “Keith, you cannot! The water is not kind! You might drown!”

Once Keith was left in only his body suit (which, unfortunately, didn’t double as a wet suit), he anchored Black’s paws to the floor of the cave. Should anything unexpected happen, she would be in the same spot and thus easier to get back to.

“I’m not going to be the only one to fail.” Keith said, for some reason thinking of Shiro, as if Shiro would be disappointed in him. He should be worried about what the rest of the crew will think, but he only cares about Shiro. And damn if that doesn’t only make him more determined. He can’t return empty-handed. He just can’t.

He retrieved a length of rope from his supplies and handed one end to Feya, who still looked horrified.

“Wrap this around my middle and tie it at me back.” He instructed her.

“Keith -“

“I’m doing this with or without the rope.”

Feya’s mouth looked like what a human’s might if they pursed their lips with displeasure, but she grudgingly began looping the rope around Keith’s torso. She tied it roughly and tightly at his back, making him feel like he was being fitted for a corset.

“Just so that we are clear, I did not guide you to do this. If you die, I will be blamed.”

“I won’t die.” Keith reassured her. ‘Probably,’ he thought. What scared him more than the risk of death was how much he didn’t fear it. That was not indicative of a functional human, but Keith didn’t have time to contemplate that at the moment. “Besides, they know how reckless I am. Trust me, no one would be surprised.”

Feya’s face softened. Well, as much as a rock-lady’s face could soften. “You speak of your friends as if they would not mourn your death.”

Keith’s chest tightened. He looked away from her intense eyes, opting not to respond to that. “That spire of rock is right in front of Black’s mouth, so I won’t need to see very well. If I get lost or if a current takes me, this rope will keep me attached to Black. I can do this.”

Feya still seemed doubtful, but she didn’t argue. Keith left her in the cockpit and made his way down through the cargo hold and into Black’s jaw. There was a small room that separated her jaw from the rest of her that would keep anything from the outside from infiltrating the inside, like the vacuum of space, or in this case, water. Once the only barrier between Keith and the water was Black’s closed jaw, he bent and tied the other end of the rope securely around one of her massive teeth.

“Well, here goes nothing.” He said to absolutely no one. He took a long, steeling breath, released it, then took another and held it. He braced himself and punched the button that would open Black’s jaws.

The first thing that Keith felt was pain. There was no way that he could’ve braced himself against the cascade of almost solid water; it pushed him over effortlessly and thrashed him around for good measure. He didn’t know which way was up or down.

Then, he felt the cold. Excruciating cold that almost forced him to lose the breath trapped in his lungs, but he bit back the gasp of shock with tremendous effort. It was so cold that Keith skipped the shivering stage altogether and felt stiff and numb.

And lastly, he realized that he’d been plunged into darkness. As the murky water sloshed, his stinging eyes could make out snatches of light attempting to shine through, but he wasn’t sure if it was from Black or from the crystal. He’d better figure it out soon, because his lungs would not hold out for very long.

Keith felt a rough squeeze around his waist. It startled him at first. He thought he’d snagged on something, or that some kind of creature had gotten hold of him, but then he remembered - the rope. Which meant that Black was still behind him, which in turn meant that the rock spire was in front of him. He just had to find it. Despite being unable to see, it shouldn’t be too difficult because it had only been feet away from the bottom of Black’s jaw. Keith kicked blindly downwards, his hands straight out in front of him and flailing for some part of the Balmera. His lungs began to feel uncomfortable. 

Just as Keith was beginning to realize that this was an impossible task, his elbow slammed into something hard. His wince of pain cost him a few precious air bubbles. He turned and hugged the thing, and though it was hard to tell being numb and blind, he knew the thing had to be the rock spire. Latching onto it and ignoring the burning in his lungs, he splayed his palms and channeled all his concentration into connecting his life force with the Balmera’s.

‘Please,’ he thought desperately, allowing images to flood through his mind in hopes that the Balmera would understand. ‘Please give us this crystal. Please, please, please, please -‘

He felt a knowing nudge in his mind, kind of similar to when he connected with Black, and he knew he’d done it. The Balmera acknowledged him, and then the entire cave began to shake. Although Keith couldn’t see it, he knew that the Balmera was relinquishing the crystal. 

Keith wanted to allow himself a moment of victory, but his lungs were burning pretty badly now, and he should start making his way back to his lion. He tried to push off of the spire, but suddenly his limbs felt ten times heavier. He - he couldn’t even pick his head up from the rock. After a moment of panicked confusion, he felt it - his limbs weren’t heavier, he was being pulled in the direction of the crystal, and oh, he was fucked. Of course the movement of such a massive object under the water had created a vigorous current. He clamped his eyes shut as silt rushed against and past him with the current, clinging with all his might to the rock spire and hoping to wait it out. But his lungs were burning so badly and his diaphragm was starting to convulse. He had several moments of undignified agony before his lungs inhaled without his permission, and dirty, icy water filled them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. Keith had to touch the Balmera to ask it to give him the crystal, and the only part he could touch was underwater, thus the lack of his suit, thus the drowning.
> 
> On top of severe depression, yeah… Keef isn’t doing too great… but I did promise you angst
> 
> Remember the happy ending tag! I swear it’s not just there for looks!
> 
> Holler at me on tumblr @kindasheithy


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro’s been dreaming strange dreams lately. After Keith’s recklessness, the tension between he and Keith comes to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok uhhh… first of all I wanna warn you that this chapter is also angst-packed, but I promise you’ll like it by the end. Also, I’m aware that I flip-flopped between past and present tense, alright? It just felt right so I went with it.
> 
> #liberal use of ellipses and dashes

When Shiro was a child, his hair was an untamable force, stark black curling down his neck. He remembers being fourteen years old. He remembers his mother muttering in Japanese for him to sit still as she sheared off his hair before he started at the Galaxy Garrison. In his dream, the locks that fluttered to the floor were silvery white even though his hair wouldn’t become that way for several more years. He remembers insisting upon keeping his forelock just as a small reminder that he was an individual, though the military would like him to think that he wasn’t, and Shiro understood why.

His hair passed in uniform. He maintained a high-and-tight, all except for his forelock, which could easily be hidden underneath his cover. Some people there had even longer fringes than him, but it wasn’t common of officers, and certainly not of ones as highly ranking as Shiro would become. Still, he kept the extra hair.

“Iverson is on my ass about your hair again.” Shiro was saying. To whom, he wasn’t sure. He’d mentored many cadets as an officer at the Garrison. “It’s way out of regulation.”

“I’m not cutting it. The uniform code is stupid.”

That voice was familiar enough to tug at something in Shiro’s mind… something that was behind some kind of locked door. Something that was blurred. It was male, and high pitched with the lilt of adolescence.

“The uniform code exists for a good reason. There’s no reason for you to keep tanking your weekly personnel inspections out of petulance. C’mon, let’s at least get it in regulation, Keith.”

Keith.

“… Fine.”

Inches and inches of glossy black hair twirled down around Shiro’s feet. Afterwards, Keith had finally met Garrison hair regulation. He’d looked like a proper, respectful cadet. Just like the rest. Shiro had never pressured him into getting another haircut after that.

Shiro blinked his eyes open, the blurry image of the empty side of his bed glaring back at him. With a world-weary sigh, he sat up and scrubbed his hands over his face.

It’s been a couple of weeks since those dreams began. It’s been one week since Keith shut him out. Both leave Shiro with a nagging sense of dread in the back of his mind.

As Shiro went through the motions of his morning routine, showering, brushing his teeth, getting dressed… he tried to remember how he’d felt only a week ago doing all of this while Keith was curled up in his bed, dead to the world, warm and safe. Relatively untroubled. Peaceful. He’d certainly taken that for granted.

Shiro had gone out of his way to be respectful. He’d limited his touches to only those strictly necessary, he’d traded staring for stolen glimpses, he’d placed a pillow between their bodies, he hadn’t come out of the bathroom until he was fully clothed even though Keith was still sleeping… he’d wanted to ensure that Keith was completely comfortable, because the man was skittish. One wrong move and Keith would be out the door before Shiro could get a word out of him.

Well, he’d gotten words out of him. Then he’d tried to get a kiss out of him, because Keith had just confessed and the moment had felt right. It hadn’t been, apparently. Keith had reacted badly. Very badly. The last words he’d said before tearing off like a tornado, quick and with destruction in his wake, echoed in Shiro’s mind. ‘Fuck you.’

Wow. That’s definitely not what you want someone to say to you when you kiss them.

Shiro didn’t understand what had gone wrong. He’d been sure that Keith felt the same way, so how could it have become such a disaster? Then again, the other confusing thing Keith had said reared it’s head: ‘That’s why you think I’m mad?’ Well, Shiro couldn’t think of another reason.

The only conclusion he can come to is that he shouldn’t have pushed him. Keith had been closed off to the conversation, yet Shiro had practically forced him into it, despite his pleas. He’d thought that if Keith knew that he liked him too, he’d be alright. Keith had made it clear that that wasn’t the issue, but he hadn’t made it clear what was the issue. Shiro was so confused and hurt and honestly, a bit indignant. Not because Keith hadn’t kissed him back, but because he’d offered no explanation to his ire.

What made it worse was that he was allowing it to affect his teammates. He didn’t slack on practice, Keith never did, but he made them worry. He made Shiro worry. Skipping meals, locking himself in his room for most of the day, training himself to the point of exhaustion… it had to stop. For days, Shiro tried to get the other man to stop for a moment, to talk to him and explain what had gone wrong. His behavior wasn’t fair to Shiro, to his team, or to himself. It wasn’t befitting of a leader to, quite literally, tuck tail and run away from his problems.

Shiro had decided after a few days of trying to confront Keith without success that he’d have to wait until after the Balmera mission. Only then would Keith be forced to slow down, and Shiro would have the opportunity to corner him. That day was today.

Shiro knew that the rest of the paladins were ready; Keith had drilled them for hours each day in case of an attack. It wasn’t them he was worried for. Keith himself, while determined and highly skilled, was strung tight like a bow, ready to snap and do something rash at any moment. There was a simultaneous weary yet wired look about him, and Shiro knew it wouldn’t take much. Behind Keith’s back, Shiro warned the other paladins to look out for him. He was unpredictable and self-sacrificing, and besides the obvious mourning that they’d all endure at his loss, the universe needed him as well. His life was more valuable than his death traded for a power source.

When Shiro had seen them off in the Lions’ Den, Keith had kept his eyes downcast the entire time, which only further worried and irritated Shiro. One way or the other, when he returned, Shiro was getting to the bottom of this.

———————————————

Shiro remembers long, long stretches of nothing. Of darkness and loneliness. At the end of each of them is Keith.

There was something in his mind that didn’t want him to remember. Whenever he tried to focus on one of these snatches of memory, it would protest. It felt like when you stare at something too closely and go cross-eyed and the thing gets blurry. It’s almost impossible to see clearly again until you back away from the thing. Back away from the memory. It can’t be seen up close.

Nonetheless, Shiro is able to decipher some key points, and they always have a pattern: suffering, Keith, safety. In that order. Shiro knows that they’re too significant to be dreams, but he isn’t sure where they’re coming from. He fears that Haggar is playing tricks on his mind. That she’s finally gotten to him. Even more intensely, he fears that Keith has been right all along.

The thought is devastating in several ways. It would mean that Shiro’s been the one under a spell. That the Galra were controlling him yet again. Shiro cared about Keith. He cared a lot. He’d even say that maybe he loved him, which shouldn’t be possible, as they hadn’t even know one another for three months. The possibility that that feeling could be something manufactured by Haggar did not quite scare Shiro. After all, it was there. He still felt it. Feelings were real, maybe they could be planted but they couldn’t just be taken away. Maybe she’d planted the seed, but he’d nurtured it. It didn’t matter. What did scare Shiro was the possibility that the feeling had already existed before he woke up in the hospital. How do you have feelings for someone before you meet them? You don’t. And, hypothetically, if it was true, if he did know Keith and had forgotten him, and he still felt that way for him, then how did Keith feel for Shiro? He’d made that abundantly clear; but even so, that type of tremendous loss is something that you cannot have empathy for until you feel it yourself.

Shiro can only wait until Haggar is defeated. Then, everything will become clear. He’d promised Keith that much. And no matter what the big answer to this whole conundrum is, Shiro will still love Keith at the end of it. And hopefully, Keith will still love him.

“Captain!”

Shiro was jolted from his thoughts. One of the young communications officers was wide-eyed and panting before him as if she’d just run all the way from the communications room. The look on her face sent chills up Shiro’s spine, and he knew instantly that something had gone wrong on the Balmera. Someone was in danger or hurt or… or….

“Who?” He asked sharply.

He knew before she even answered. She seemed to have difficulty uttering the words. “Sir, it’s Officer Kogane.”

It felt like Shiro’s stomach dropped through his body. For a moment his lungs failed him, because he didn’t even want to ask. When he was finally able to take in some air, he forced himself to. “Is he…?”

“I don’t know.” The young officer said shakily. “It was bad when I left, though. Captain Holt is in contact -“

Shiro didn’t wait to listen. He might not be dead. Shiro could breathe enough for his legs to carry him to the elevator and to the comms center, his very nerves trembling. The time between leaving and getting there was a blur. Matt was waiting for him just inside the door.

“Shiro, wait.” He tried. 

Shiro ignored him and tried to push past, but Matt planted his hands on his shoulders.

“Dad’s talking to Feya, just hold on.”

“Get out of my way, Matt.” Shiro growled, not wanting to shove his best friend but willing to if necessary.

“Shiro!” Matt almost yelled, shaking him a bit by his shoulders. “Look at me, Shiro.”

Reluctantly, Shiro did. Every other second, he glanced over to Sam, who was focused on words from his headset. He couldn’t make out what he was saying from this far.

“Dad is guiding Feya through CPR.” Matt said urgently. “You can’t interrupt.”

“C…” Shiro gasped out, his eyes still darting frantically between Matt and Sam. His throat kept closing without his permission. He swallowed and tried again. “CPR?”

“Keith is… he’s…” Matt stopped, furrowed his brow, and started over. “Keith drowned. His Balmeran guide Feya is trying to resuscitate him, but….”

Shiro’s heart was thunder in his ears. “But what, Matt?”

Matt’s jaw clenched. He averted his eyes from Shiro’s face. “It’s been several minutes. She had to… she had to pull him out of the water, and it took time, and then she had to figure out how to use the comms system, and -“

“How long?” Shiro asked without any breath.

“I don’t know,” Matt practically whispered, “five or six minutes.”

Shiro stepped out of Matt’s grasp, but he didn’t resist. Again, the time between him leaving Matt’s side and making his way to Sam’s was lost. He could hear Sam’s words now, but his brain wasn’t making sense of them. This couldn’t be happening. Not Keith… not Keith. Keith with all his strength and command and devastating ire. Keith with his precious smiles and undying loyalty and bleeding heart. Not him.

“Shirogane.” It was Iverson. A hand fell lightly upon his upper arm, trying to guide him away from Sam. “Come on, now. You shouldn’t hear this. Come below deck….”

Sam had stopped talking. Iverson stopped pulling. Then - “He’s moving? Is there water coming out of his mouth?”

Shiro twisted away from Iverson, leaning in close to Sam so that he could hear the words from the headset.

“- coughing out water. He cannot stop coughing -“

“Good!” Sam exclaimed with a hysterical laugh. “Sit him up! Move him on his hands and knees and pat him roughly between his shoulder blades.”

There were some clunking and shuffling sounds, and then Shiro heard it. Keith was hacking and taking short, punched breaths. There was some retching and choking, but it meant life, and it was the most beautiful thing Shiro had ever heard. Shaking from head to toe, Shiro pressed his back to the wall and sank down to the floor, his head hanging between his knees. Alive. Keith was alive. Tears were falling swiftly to the floor below him.

———————————————

Keith’s lungs were sore. Well, his everything was sore, but mostly his lungs. They felt like balloons that’d been overinflated and then punctured. His throat was more raw than any bout of the flu had ever accomplished. His chest and back felt like they’d been punched by rocks - oh wait - they had been. 

At least he’d gotten the crystal.

The journey back to the surface was shorter than the journey from it since they’d already mapped it. Feya had barely said a word since Keith woke up. She was severely shaken, and Keith was truly sorry for that, but there hadn’t been any other options. She’d done extremely well; one day, when he had more time, he’d make sure her people knew that. He’d like to thank her now, but he didn’t think he’d be able to talk if he wanted to at the moment. His vocal cords felt torn and he was still so cold that the slightest bit of warmth to his skin felt like a scorching burn. He knew that if he didn’t warm up soon, it would cause problems. He’d draped the thin blanket that he’d slept with on the way to Earth around himself, but it didn’t seem to be making a difference.

In fifteen minutes Black breached the surface, and the other paladins were there waiting for him. They had no clue what had been going on. It took too much effort for Keith to force his limbs to reach out and grab his helmet, but he managed to haphazardly jam it onto his head and turn on his speaker. He could’ve just used Black’s video call, but he didn’t want the others to see him right now.

“I was -“ Nothing but a wheeze came out. Keith painfully cleared his throat a couple of times. Tried again. “I was successful.” He croaked. It was at least audible.

“You alright, buddy?” Lance asked. Without waiting for a response, he video called Keith. Keith didn’t answer it. “What’s wrong with your voice?”

“I’m fine. We’re out of time. Everyone ready to go?”

“… I think so, yeah.” Lance replied dubiously.

“If you’re sure you’re alright.” Allura said.

As they spoke, he landed his lion so that Feya could depart.

“Goodbye, Black Paladin. It was an honor to be your guide.” Feya told him quietly. It was the most she’d said since he woke.

“Thank you, Feya,” he whispered, “for saving me.”

Once he was sure that Feya was a safe distance away, Keith prepared Black for takeoff. “Let’s go.” He ordered the others, then tore the helmet off. It felt too heavy.

The half hour ride back to the ship is the most quiet that Keith can ever remember it being in his lion. He’s usually in the midst of battle, or someone is over the comms, or someone is there with him. Today, he has half an hour on his own in Black, and it’s still enough for her consciousness to reach out to him. The best way to articulate what she feels is sorrow. She feels Keith’s pain. She’s trying to comfort him. It’s… something.

A few minutes out from the Atlas, Keith debates whether or not it’s worth the strain on himself to put his Paladin armor back on. It would help hide his condition from the others temporarily, but it won’t matter. They’ll probably find out very soon once they’re on the ship. He decides to abandon the heavy armor for now and draws the blanket tighter around himself. He’s warmed up enough now for his body to get over its shock and to know that it’s cold. The Atlas is within view. He’s started shivering.

Keith flies his lion into the Lions’ Den with a sense of impending dread. He can already see the medical team waiting near the entrance, Shiro among them. Keith’s the last out of his lion.

“Who is the medical team for?” He can hear Hunk ask from below. Keith might as well accept his fate. Keeping the near-useless to spare the others from the image of him in a bodysuit that leaves nothing to the imagination, Keith made his way down. The medics rushed to meet him. Pidge had to back out of their way.

“Keith, what’s going on? Where’s your Paladin armor? Why are you all wet?”

Before Keith could answer, three medics were upon him. Not that he would’ve supplied anything other than a very vague explanation, anyway.

They were checking his vitals, forcing him to sit and pressing uncomfortable heat packs at various points over his frigid body. Water was still clinging to it, and his hair was still sopping wet. He was cold, but otherwise fine. His condition definitely didn’t warrant all this attention.

“I’m fine.” He insisted, trying to wave them off. “I’m okay, this is too much.”

“Let them, Keith.” Said Shiro flatly, approaching with the other paladins. Unmistakably an order. It was odd. Keith had been used to Shiro occasionally scolding him when he was younger, but it had been literal years. Keith wanted to argue, but he clamped his mouth shut when he got a good look at him. Shiro’s eyes were determined and red-rimmed. He’d… he’d been crying.

“What were you thinking?” Shiro demanded so quietly that Keith barely heard him over the bustling medics.

Keith hesitated. He could see the fire behind Shiro’s eyes. He was furious. Why? “I was thinking that I needed to get the crystal.” He replied simply. There was an ever-so-slight ‘duh’ to his tone.

“That crystal,” Shiro spat, voice trembling, “is not worth your life.”

“Is it not?” Asked Keith, his own anger rising. The medics gently pushed him down, urging him not to stand. “Is it not worth my life? Anything is worth the chance to kill Haggar. I thought you knew that.”

“And I thought you knew that we need you if we want to stand any chance of winning this war, but apparently not! Apparently, you’re too distracted feeling sorry for yourself to care about what happens to the rest of us when you’re gone!”

Keith stood up too swiftly for the medic to stop him, but they still tried. “Get off me.” He growled. Maybe his glare inspired some fear, because they reluctantly obeyed and started packing their gear back up. He turned that glare on Shiro, still trembling all over. The rest of the paladins were looking on warily.

“I did this so you’d be safe when I was gone. I’m replaceable! My personal problems had nothing to do with my decision!”

Keith’s throat felt like it was bleeding. The medics were finally making their way out of the hangar.

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Shiro seethed. “I get that you’re sad. I get that it’s been hard for you lately, but that doesn’t mean you get to be selfish. You don’t get to kill yourself when so many lives depend on yours.”

“Shiro!” Allura gasped.

“You want to talk about being selfish?” Keith asked through a shuddering breath, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. “How about ignoring the truth for so long that it hurts everyone around you? Because you’re scared. You’re scared that the Galra has taken a chunk of your life again, and they have! Get over it! They’ve taken parts of all of us, but we don’t get the luxury of running from it! You really want to talk about being selfish? How about kissing me when I’d just told you how heartbroken I was? You knew. You knew, but you did it anyway because you’re desperate to think that you’re right and I’m wrong! That’s selfish!”

Shiro clenched his jaw. He was silent for a long moment, and Keith could tell he’d dealt a heavy blow. His stormy eyes fell on the rest of the team. “Go report to Iverson.”

They started to move, and that pissed off Keith even more. He didn’t just get to dismiss them like that.

“You guys don’t go anywhere.” Keith said, not taking his eyes off of Shiro. Shiro’s expression in that moment would’ve made anyone else cower, but Keith stood his ground.

Lance shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. “Keith, I really don’t think we should stick around for this.”

“Lance is right.” Shiro said. “Let’s not cause a scene.”

Keith clenched his fists. “That’s not the point. They’re my team.”

“It’s my ship.”

They were st a stalemate. Neither of them were willing to back down.

“How about we just… show ourselves out?” Hunk suggested anxiously. That seemed to diffuse the situation just enough that they were able to leave without further incident, shooting worried glances over their shoulders. Keith and Shiro were alone.

“So that’s why you were angry when I kissed you?” 

The anger seemed to be slowly seeping from Shiro. Keith was a bit more hesitant to let go of his own. It was his only defense.

“Didn’t know I’d have to spell it out for you.” Keith sneered. But he was unable to rile Shiro back up. He looked something close to pitying, and Keith was feeling more vulnerable by the second. He clutched tightly onto his blanket, which he only now realized, with the gradual return of sensation in his fingertips, was very cold and damp.

“Why didn’t you just say so?”

Keith tensed, heart lurching, and turned away. “I’m cold. I’m going to the infirmary.”

“Don’t.” Shiro blurted, and Keith paused. “Please.” 

There was the sound of clothes shifting. In his periphery, Keith saw Shiro approaching him and looked at him suspiciously, but Shiro ignored his body language. He tugged away the sodden blanket and replaced it with his own much thicker and much warmer black uniform jacket. And as sour as Keith’s mood was at the moment, he couldn’t help thinking that Shiro was a fool if he thought he was ever getting it back.

When Shiro backed away and dropped the blanket, he didn’t return a safe few paces away like he’d been before. He remained within arm’s reach and looked down at Keith sadly, his rage completely dissipated.

“You can go later. We need to finish having this talk now.”

“Why? There’s nothing left to say.”

“There’s… so, so much more left to say. We just threw some hard truths at each other; we should talk about them. Why are you so afraid?”

“I’m not afraid.” Keith deflected. “There’s just no point.”

“The point is so that I can understand and maybe we don’t have to be miserable.”

“There’s no point because you don’t believe me!” Keith snapped. “It’s not something I can just - I can just explain! It doesn’t work that way.”

“Then how does it work, Keith?” Shiro asked with exasperation.

Keith didn’t answer. He couldn’t. You can’t explain love. Just saying “I love you” doesn’t do it justice.

“Don’t shut me out again.” Shiro begged, and Keith’s resistance caved with those words. He met Shiro’s eyes with unweilding fierceness.

“I’m not the one shutting you out! You’ve been shutting me out! Look at me, Shiro! Really, really look at me! You know me! I was the one who found you the first time you escaped from the Galra! I was the one who found you the next time, and the time after that! Look at this scar! Do you know how I got it?”

Shiro, stunned by Keith’s outburst, was blinking dumbly. “They… say that I gave it to you.”

“They’re wrong! Your clone gave it to me! I fought him to the death thinking it was you! I fell to my own death because even after he tried to kill me I wouldn’t let him go! I would’ve happily died with him - with you - if Black hadn’t caught us! I never, ever gave up on you! And you never gave up on me, either, until recently.”

Keith’s voice gave out, and he could no longer yell. He let out a frustrated huff. Shiro was still unable to speak. 

“So… that’s why. That’s why I didn’t just say so. That’s why I couldn’t explain it to you. I didn’t want to have to go through this disappointment again.”

Unwilling to look at Shiro once he’d finished, Keith turned to leave again, and this time Shiro didn’t stop him. He made it all the way to the exit, his bare, damp feet making a sticky noise on the steel floor, feeling colder than he had in the water. The sound of quick thuds behind him startled him, but not as much as the weight that knocked the breath out of him against his back. Shiro was holding him tightly, desperately, taking shuddering breaths. Keith felt a wetness at the back of his neck, but it was warm.

“Please wait.” He asks, and Keith does, because Shiro is crying on him. No matter how much he’s hurting, he still can’t bring himself to leave Shiro like this. He loves him. “I believe you. I believe you, Keith. You’re right. I… I think I’ve known for a while now. I’ve been having these… these dreams, these memories. You’ve been right all along and I’m sorry, but it was hard… it was so hard to listen. I’m sorry.”

For the second time that day oxygen fails Keith, and he isn’t sure if it’s from how tightly Shiro is squeezing him or from his own shock. He must’ve been silent for too long because Shiro’s hug loosened.

“Keith, please say something.”

Keith gulped. “Say it again.” He whispered.

He felt Shiro nod. “I believe you. I’ll say it a million times. I know I took too long. Please forgive me. Please stop hating me, I can’t stand it.”

Keith let out a wounded noise and turned around to bury his face in Shiro’s shoulder, throwing his arms around his neck. “I could never hate you.” He said through his own tears, and he knew it was muffled by Shiro’s shirt, but he must’ve understood because he held him tightly again. “I could never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though they aren’t fighting anymore, some effort still needs to be put forth to close the gap between Keith and Shiro. When the rest of the rebel coalition, including the Blade of Marmora, join the Atlas, Krolia steps in to ensure that this happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So, it’s been over two weeks I think, which is the longest I’ve ever gone without updating this story. That’s partly because I got in a pretty bad car accident and totaled my car, and I’ve been dealing with that lately. I’m fine, no one was seriously hurt.
> 
> You may have noticed that there will be 13 parts to this story now instead of 12, which is bc this chapter ended up being much longer than I’d anticipated, so I split it into two parts. That’s the other reason it took me so long to update. But that’s ok, bc in this chapter we get some actual, bona fide Sheith. Hooray!

Keith didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t as though a “problem solved” light had been switched. Shiro’s acceptance of the truth - of him - certainly made being around him less painful, but Keith was still at ground zero with him. He’d overcome one obstacle. He’d opened the door. Now he had to walk through it. Shiro was extremely open now, but instead of encouraging Keith to open up about the past, it only intimidated him somehow. So much had happened between them; how could Keith relay their relationship with only words? What exactly was Shiro expecting to hear?

Progress with this issue was slow-going. Once Shiro and Keith made up, they essentially reverted to how they’d been acting before their spat. They were often busy doing different things. The little time they did get together was during meals with the others or during the occasional conference to receive and give progress reports. With the new power sources they’d acquired, it would take only one week to reach Haggar’s hideout instead of two, and tensions were once again running high as they had been before the mission launch. Like then, Keith didn’t have much time to worry about Shiro, but his heart was definitely less heavy than it had been, if not still troubled.

The rest of the team was curious. They’d made themselves scarce during Shiro and Keith’s quarrel, and the next time they’d seen Keith, they’d been very… careful. Skeptical. Walking on eggshells, as if his new lighter aura was a façade that could be shattered with one wrong move. They’d been acting that way for the past couple of days, and with the rest of the rebel coalition joining them tomorrow, Keith decided that it was time to quell their fears so that they could focus more effectively in his presence when things got serious… er.

Keith instructed (okay, begged) Shiro to eat second meal in his office so that he could talk to the others without being completely humiliated; he had a feeling that if Shiro were involved in explaining their make-up to them, he’d go into too much detail and Keith wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye for days. It felt a lot like sitting down the kids during family dinner to say, “Don’t worry, mommy and daddy aren’t fighting anymore, we promise.” Keith groaned as he made his way to their usual table with his meal, where they all were already gathered. Their animated speech quietened as he approached, as was usual these days. He took his seat without a word and began meticulously preparing his meal.

As Keith ripped open an MRE with his teeth, their chatter slowly picked back up, albeit more hushed than before. He went through the motions of heating the meal with the heating pouch without reading which foods had been assembled for the meal, too distracted by the others’ frequent concerned glances in his direction and by floundering for a way to start this conversation. If he knew his friends, they’d tease him the moment they knew it was safe to. They’d haggle him for details. Maybe he should just be blunt. 

Keith vigorously began to shake the heating pack with his food.

Spit it out. 

He kept shaking it.

Get it over with. 

He shook it some more.

Rip off the band-aid. 

Perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

Let the other shoe drop.

Keith distantly registered his hands feeling warm.

“Uh, Keith?” Lance asked uncertainly.

Keith irritably dropped the packet, and it slapped onto the table from the force of his taught arms. “What?” He snapped.

“Don’t you think the poor food is warm enough?”

Pidge adjusted her glasses. “You aren’t really supposed to shake it,” she added, “the chemical reaction will take place regardless.”

Keith folded his arms and donned what he hoped was a haughty and not defensive expression. “Well, I was helping it along, then. It’s warm, isn’t it?”

“I think most of the heat was absorbed from your arms. There’s some smoke coming off your shoulders.” Hunk joked, curious as to what had Keith so wired. “Something you wanna get off your chest?”

Keith resigned himself to the teasing and prying that he knew he was in for with a small sigh. Allura patiently perched her chin on her palms, a signal that she was listening, and the others followed suit.

“Shiro and I made up.” Keith blurted. “We’re not fighting anymore. He believes me. So you guys can stop acting weird around me.”

Allura gasped. “He believes you? That’s wonderful! So he’s remembered?”

Keith chewed the inside of his cheek anxiously. “Not exactly. I mean, he gets small pieces of memories. Sometimes he dreams them, but sometimes they’re triggered by something I say or do. It’s enough for him to know that it was real.”

“Woah,” said Lance, swiping away non-existent tears theatrically, “this is the most beautiful tragic love story I’ve ever seen.”

Keith growled, feeling heat rising in his cheeks. “It’s not a love story.”

“It’s not?” Hunk asked, and he seemed genuinely surprised rather than teasing.

“No!” Keith exclaimed, his hands flailing for emphasis. This is exactly why he’d been dreading this conversation. At least Shiro wasn’t here to witness this. “He doesn’t remember anything! If anything happened between us while he’s like this, it would be fucked up!”

Pidge quirked an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because!” Keith hissed, as if that explained that to Keith, it would feel like taking advantage of Shiro.

“Because why?”

Keith opened his mouth with an explanation in mind, then snapped it back closed when he realized that he was, indeed, being haggled for details about his feelings that he did not want to give. Instead, he jutted out his chin and looked away from her. “You’re still a kid. You’ll get it someday.”

Keith didn’t have to be looking at Pidge to know how affronted she was. Lance cut off her squabbling protests. “Dude, I’m almost twenty, and I don’t get it.”

Of course YOU don’t, Keith wanted to say, but bit back the salty reply. He didn’t want to turn all his friends against him. He picked up his MRE and began opening the separate food packets, hoping that it signaled that this conversation was over.

“You don’t have to.” He said with an air of finality.

The others were quiet, and Keith thought that meant that they’d dropped the topic, but as he brought a sporkful of bland mashed potatoes to his lips, he caught sight of their sympathetic stares.

“Oh, c’mon.” Keith dropped his spork to the table and threw up his hands. “I’m fine with just this, guys. Hell, I’m happy with just this! I’m counting my blessings, here. There’s no reason to push this any further, so just drop it, okay?”

Reluctantly, they did, and Keith was relieved when their amble chatter eventually picked back up. All things considered, that had actually been less painful than he’d expected it to be.

———————————————

Keith was aware that the time that the coalition was expected to merge paths with Atlas coincided with Team Voltron’s practice time, but they didn’t have practice time to lose. Therefore, Krolia was already waiting for him when he returned Black to the Lions’ Den after practice, leaning against the hangar wall with her arms folded and wearing a soft, proud smile.

“Mom!” He called, uncaring of his onlooking friends as he jogged to meet her. Spending two years with only each other for company had forged a strong bond between them, and being apart for nearly a year had been so lonely, especially once Shiro had been taken again. She pushed off the wall and opened her arms for him, and he threw his own around her back, pressing his cheek against her shoulder. Her hold and presence were firm and reassuring, something he’d been needing for a while now.

“Mom, I missed you. So much has happened.”

Her hand lifted briefly from his back to pet his hair. “I know. I’ve missed you too, my son. I wish we had time to catch up, but there is much work to be done. Iverson has asked you and your team to come to the conference room.”

Keith allowed himself a tired sigh in the comfort of his mother’s arms, then steeled himself and pulled away from her warmth, trying to look confident. He wasn’t able to fool her.

“I know, Keith.” She said, her eyes gentle and understanding. “You’ve done so well. This will soon come to an end.”

Yes, but what kind of end?

With one last squeeze to his shoulder, she turned and headed for the conference room, Keith falling into step behind her.

————————————————

Keith’s head was buzzing and too full of thoughts after the conference. It had been crowded; some of the coalition leaders had had to stand. And as used to aliens as Keith was by now (hell, he was half alien himself), seeing twenty-something bizarrely different humanoids in one room was still disconcerting for him. Shiro had sat next to him in a way that he’d missed, for reassurance rather than mistrust. Shiro’s positive presence was probably more distracting than that of all the aliens. On top of these things, the other leaders in the room reported and discussed several heavy topics that all had to do with defeating the Galra, and each and every one of them looked to Keith for his input on the matter. As the Black Paladin of Voltron, they saw him as their leader. In the eyes of the universe at large, he would be the one held responsible for the carrying out of and for the outcome of this siege. Keith had never felt more like a helpless child in his life. Of course, this had been something that he’d already known… subjectivity. Seeing such tangible evidence of the expectations placed upon him, though, was daunting.

Hours later, once their invasion strategy had been well established and the meeting adjourned, Keith found a quiet corner of the ship to spend time with his mother and powered off his personal communication device. If there was an emergency, they could reach him over the ship’s comms. 

——————————————

Krolia minded her own business ninety-nine point nine percent of the time. She was anything but a nosy person. Her main objective was to complete whatever her current mission was in order to help take down the Galra Empire. Anything outside of that mission was deemed unimportant and was ignored. The point one percent of the time when she interfered to an extent that was more than what benefited the Blade was when her son was involved.

With sad eyes, slumped shoulders, and an overall defeated demeanor that he would never allow most to witness, Keith told her all about what had happened to the man he loved, the most recent development of the story having happened only a few days prior. And what an inconvenient time for such an issue to come to a head, right as they were preparing to deal a fatal blow to the Galra Empire. She understood the hopelessness that Keith must have been feeling - as if there were no end in sight.

“This isn’t what I wanted for you, Keith.” She told him solemnly, studying his eyes that were so like Heath’s. “I left you on Earth hoping that I could protect you from such hardships. It seems your life has been nothing but.”

The corner of Keith’s mouth twitched. He shrugged. “That isn’t true. I mean, I used to think that, too. When Dad died, when I had to live in the orphanage, when Shiro disappeared the first time… for the longest time all I could do was wonder ‘why me?’ you know? But… despite all that, I met Shiro, and he’s been this constant light in my life from the very start. He led me to meet my best friends, to do amazing things, to find you. It took me a while to realize that even though he doesn’t remember me, that light hasn’t gone out. He’s the same. I’m… still sad that the memories are gone. It still hurts. But I’m grateful that he’s still by my side.”

Krolia watched her son gaze through the window at the stars with a resilient gleam in his eye. Her chest clenched, and she wanted to reach out and hold him, so she did.

“When did you become so wise?” She asked, though she suspected she already knew the answer. Falling in love was a harrowing and enlightening journey.

“I’m grateful for you, too, Mom.”

She held him more tightly, hyper aware that these last few days may well be her last chance to ever do so. And these last few days also may well be Keith’s last few spent alongside the man his heart belongs to.

Point one percent of the time. Krolia will be damned if she allows her son or his love to die wallowing in regret.

———————————————

Shiro has always been intimidated by Krolia. She knew by the startled expression on his face when they’d first met, and the time after that, and the next one. It was quite endearing. The Shiro that she saw first-hand was nothing like the way that she’d seen Keith perceive him in his memories. This Shiro was determined to impress her, to earn her blessing and be deemed worthy of being with her son. He’d practically said as much once several pheebs ago. It had been the last time Krolia visited Earth, before Shiro’s memories had been stolen. She supposed he didn’t remember that.

The boy immediately stood from his office chair to greet her, that badly concealed nervous energy that he always radiated in her presence showing on his face.

“Krolia, it’s nice to see you again, um… in my office…. You can sit, if you want. Make yourself comfortable.”

Withholding an amused smirk, she accepted the offer and sat in the cushioned chair across from Shiro’s desk. It was made for a human’s size, so her neck had no support and the arm rests were completely useless. She crossed her legs and placed her hands atop her knees, maintaining her regal air as best she could in what, to her, was a chair for a child. Shiro seemed to notice the awkward seating and rubbed the back of his neck, looking remorseful.

“I’m sorry, I can see if -“

“This will do fine. Thank you.”

Still uncertain, Shiro stiffly sat in his own chair and tapped his fingers nervously against his thigh, waiting for her to speak. Krolia let him simmer for a few moments, her blank expression unwavering. He cleared his throat.

“So, er… how are things with the Blade?”

Shiro already knew how things were with the Blade. He’d been at the conference; he’d heard the reports. He seemed to be following her thought process because a faint blush rose to his cheeks.

“The Blade is doing well, all things considered. And how is your team?”

Shiro exhaled heavily, like he’d been holding his breath. “Good. They’re good. You know, so to speak.”

“All of them?”

Shiro paused, his brows cinched in thought. His jaw hung open for a moment before he found the words he was looking for. “Keith is - well, he was - having a rough time, but he’s alright now, I think. Or close to it.”

“A rough time?” Krolia echoed, as though she had no idea what he referred to. Shiro was a smart boy, though. He knew that she did.

“I never meant to hurt him, Krolia.” He said quietly.

“I know. I don’t blame you. But the fact remains that he is hurt.”

Shiro looked as if the words pained him. Krolia imagined that he felt some sort of shame, even though he wasn’t responsible for what had happened to himself.

“Believing Keith is not enough. He needs you to be there for him.”

Shiro’s fists clenched on his lap. “I’m trying. Even when we’re not arguing, or not too busy, or not trying not to die, he still pushes me away.” 

Krolia had expected as much. She knew that that was standard Keith behavior when he was feeling vulnerable. Shiro had once known how to handle that better than anyone. Krolia leaned forward to emphasize the advice she was about to give. “I know that you don’t know my son, but you did once, so I hope he’ll excuse me for telling you something that was in your stolen memories, something that he could never tell you himself: Keith will never tell you what he wants. He despises being vulnerable, especially emotionally. When it comes to him, you have to let your heart guide you. He will not open up to you easily. You have to be persistent. You have to be blunt. You have to reassure him. He will never admit it, but that’s what he wants.”

Shiro was blushing madly, but he nodded attentively. Blushing was such an odd human trait. Krolia was capable of feeling embarrassment as well, but she couldn’t imagine the horror of it being so obviously on display. She remembered asking Heath why his usually tan cheeks would sometimes grow pink. When she’d asked that, his whole face had been ungulfed in red. It had been extremely endearing. She wondered how Keith would feel if he could see Shiro’s determined face set aglow at the thought of him, and it had her stifling a soft smile.

“The last time I saw you, you asked me for my blessing.” Krolia told him. It seemed like something he deserved to know.

Shiro blanched, shock written all over his face. “I - what?”

“Don’t worry, I never told Keith. I was… reluctant to give you my blessing then. I had just gotten my son back, and I feared that I would lose him again, to you. It was selfish of me. I give you my blessing.”

Jaw still open, Shiro’s face contorted into many conflicting expressions before settling on a faint, awed smile, eyes bright. Her work done, Krolia uncrossed her legs and stood to leave, but paused in the doorway when Shiro called after her.

“W-wait! Um… thanks. Thank you. I’ll do what you said.”

With a simultaneously sad and hopeful feeling in her heart, she locked eyes with him over her shoulder. “Time is precious. Do not take it for granted, as I did.”

She did not have to explain what she meant.

———————————————

Shiro waited until the ship was quiet for sleeping hours before he sought Keith out. He’d gotten his mother’s blessing, something he’d apparently been waiting on for some time now. With the reminder that the next two days may be their last together, he did not intend to waste it.

Keith’s room had been one of the first to be assigned, so the number was easy to remember. It took him almost no time to reach room number three. Before he could knock, though, he heard Keith’s voice carrying through the door, too faint for him to make out the words. Shiro hesitated. If Keith was having a conversation with someone, he’d rather not interrupt. He’d expected Keith to be alone. He didn’t want anyone else knowing that he’d gone to see Keith while the ship slept. He wasn’t ashamed, but this was a moment that he’d prefer to be kept private; he didn’t want the memory of it tainted by whispers of the Captain sneaking into the Voltron Leader’s quarters at night. But Krolia’s words echoed stubbornly in his head - time is precious. Do not take it for granted. He’d rather give this conversation priority and deal with any rumors later than risk the chance of either of them dying without having gotten the chance to make peace with one another.

Shiro rapped his knuckles distinctly against the door three times before he could talk himself out of it, and Keith’s voice trailed off. A few seconds later, the door slid open, revealing a surprised Keith and an empty room behind him save for Kosmo blinking curiously from the foot of his bed.

“Shiro? Is something wrong?”

“Er… no,” Shiro said, his eyes darting about the tiny room once more, as if someone could be hiding in it. “Who were you talking to?”

Keith looked at the floor. “Oh. You heard that?”

“Not really.” Shiro said, not liking the solemn and quiet tone that Keith had abruptly switched to. “I mean, I heard your voice. Not what you were saying.”

Keith reached up to twist the long hair at the nape of his neck around his index finger in what Shiro recognized as a nervous habit, his eyes falling somewhere near Shiro’s shoulders instead of his face. Shiro had to resist the strong urge to make a soothing gesture, maybe the caress of a hand on Keith’s cheek, or smoothing his bangs back from his face.

“You want to come in?” Keith offered finally, stepping aside to make room. Shiro gave a gentle smile in return and took the two steps it required for him to cross the room. He heard the door slide closed behind him.

Keith’s room spoke to his personality, Shiro would give it that. It was nondescript and simple at first glance, but at second, it was anything but. Shiro supposed that the numerous small quirks - a pillow from Black instead of the standard-issue ones and the handle of his Galra blade peeking out from under it, an old-as-Methuselah iPod with wire headphones sprawled across his desk like they’d recently been used, a small arrangement of wallet-sized photos in the corner of his bulletin board - would surmount to nothing much in anyone else’s eyes, but he drank it all in with immense fondness. He reached out to swipe his thumb curiously across one of the photos. It was a picture of himself from years ago, his grin huge and genuine, every strand of hair on his head black, with his arm thrown over a younger Keith’s shoulders. Keith had clearly not been keen on taking a photo. His arms were crossed and he was staring blankly at some point beyond the camera.

“Why didn’t you show me this before?” He found himself asking, hoping he didn’t sound accusatory.

Keith sighed from behind him, then he reached around Shiro to pluck the photo from the board and hand it to Shiro to study more closely. “I wanted you to believe me of your own accord. I didn’t want to confuse you and try to force your memories back.”

Shiro held the tiny, battered picture closer to his face, picking out every detail. He’d seen plenty of pictures of himself before Kerberos with dark hair, both arms, no scar across his nose, and innocent eyes, but none of Keith. Keith, smaller and with more round and unmarred cheeks, his hair a couple of inches shorter, and wearing a Garrison cadet uniform.

“Wow,” Shiro said, still squinting down at the photo, “you look totally different.”

Keith scoffed. “You kidding? Compared to you, I look exactly the same.”

But that wasn’t true. Like Shiro, Keith now looked years older, all the way from his growth to the tired look ever-present in his eyes. Feeling more confident than he had a few minutes ago, Shiro carefully put the photo back and turned to face Keith, who was still looking far less confident. Without any prompting (Shiro suspected that Keith had chosen the most convenient topic of conversation to assuage his anxiety), Keith folded his arms tightly and spoke.

“I was talking to my dad.”

“Your… dad?” Shiro echoed, looking dumbly at the ceiling, as if there were a sky above them, but Keith mimicked him.

“I don’t know about God or spirits or whatever,” he said quietly, “but I know that there’s a place people go when they die. I don’t know if Dad can hear me, but I pretend he can. I know it’s stupid.”

Keith dropped dejectedly onto his bed, his legs dangling off the edge, looking guarded and vulnerable.

“Did I know that before I forgot?”

Keith’s shoulders tensed. He blinked up at Shiro as though he’d expected to hear something completely different. “Uh, no. I never told you.”

The answer made Shiro smile. The thought that he was making new memories with Keith, learning something outside of lost memories, was a thought good enough to have some of his own anxieties put to rest. What Keith wants… what he really wants….

Shiro began kicking off his shoes, and Keith sat up, watching curiously. Once his second boot clunked to the floor, he nudged Keith’s shoulder. “Scoot over.”

A deep line formed between Keith’s brows but he didn’t argue. He pulled his legs up onto the bed and scooted back against the wall, leaving just enough room for Shiro to clamber onto the tiny bed and starfish his body, staring up at the ceiling.

“Shiro…?”

In lieu of a verbal response, Shiro patted the empty space between his side and the wall. Hesitantly, Keith abandoned his safe spot next to Kosmo and picked his way up the bed, placing himself gingerly at Shiro’s side. Only an inch of space remained between them despite Keith’s obvious efforts not to invade his personal space, and it seemed that Keith refused to recline fully into the pillow. Glancing over at Keith’s stiff form and pink cheeks, Shiro chuckled.

“Relax, Keith. I want to talk to your Dad, too. Is that okay?”

After a moment wherein Keith just stared at him uncertainty, searching his face for something, he became slowly less tense. When he finally looked at the ceiling, too, he allowed his side to slot comfortably and warmly against Shiro’s and let his shoulders sink into the bed in the empty space of Shiro’s bionic arm. Shiro felt the pillow dip next to his head, some of Keith’s long hairs tickling his cheek. All it had taken was for Shiro to be straightforward with him to get him to open up.

As Keith extended his legs, Kosmo decided to lend the two some privacy. He stood and stretched, gave a great yawn, and vanished in a flash of blue light.

“Hope I didn’t run him off.” Shiro muttered.

“Don’t worry. He hangs out with the other paladins sometimes. He might have even gone to visit Mom.”

Shiro sincerely hoped that Kosmo and Krolia didn’t share some sort of empathic bond. He didn’t want Kosmo telling her that that man with the white hair invaded Keith’s room at this hour. He shuddered at the thought of her interrogation.

Keith elbowed him. “You wanted to talk to Dad?”

Oh. Right.

“Mr. Kogane,” Shiro began, and Keith let out a sputtering laugh, one that Shiro could feel against him. Even though it had been unintentional, Shiro couldn’t help but snigger, too. 

“What?”

“Don’t call him that, it’s weird.” Keith admonished. “Call him Heath.”

“I can’t call your dad by his first name!” Shiro protested, scandalized, which only made Keith laugh more, which in turn made Shiro laugh more. Keith’s laughter was contagious.

“W-Why not?” Keith asked between giggles.

“Because!” Shiro said, and Keith turned his head to raise an eyebrow at him, an amused grin splitting his face. “It’s not proper,” Shiro continued, “that’s not how you make a good impression.”

“You want to make a good impression on my dad? My dead dad?”

Shiro shrugged. “A dead dad is still a dad. Besides, he can still hear us, right?”

The teasing grin on Keith’s face morphed into something softer. His face, inches from Shiro’s, held an expression that couldn’t be described as anything other than adoration, and it had Shiro’s own cheeks feeling warm. Shiro cleared his throat awkwardly and looked back at the ceiling.

“Fine. Heath, sir, my name is Takashi, but most people call me Shiro. It’s nice to meet you. Er, so to speak.”

Keith shifted a bit. “Shiro has done a lot for me, Dad.” He whispered. “Without him, I… I don’t know. He’s important to me.”

A tingling warmth pooled in Shiro’s chest and manifested in what had to be the dorkiest smile. He couldn’t believe that this was the same man whom he’d been so distrustful of and resentful towards only months ago, like this Keith could ever hurt Shiro or any of their teammates. He couldn’t believe he’d been so nervous around this man, worried that he’d judge or reject him for his feelings. Here that same man was, fighting his own defense instincts to bare his heart to Shiro, and he deserved to have the trust reciprocated.

“There are some things about Keith that you should know.” Shiro said to Heath. “In case you didn’t get to see them when you were alive.”

Keith scoffed. “Like what?”

Shiro whistled in preparation for a long list of things to tell. “Well, let’s see… first of all, he’s quick-tempered and rash.”

“Shiro -”

“And it only gets worse when he’s drunk. Found that out the hard way.”

“Shiro!” Keith whined.

Shiro used his metal arm to gently pinch the skin at Keith’s waist, earning him a sharp gasp and a sputter of indignation. 

“Let me finish.”

With a glare that lacked any heat, Keith settled down and waited.

“He has a hard time dealing with emotions. He has trust issues on top of that, but he’s trusted me, so I’m going to trust him, too.”

Shiro felt Keith look silently up at him, but he kept his own eyes trained on the ceiling and took a moment to swallow his pride.

“Keith is secretly a nerd who loves sci-fi. He’ll talk your ear off about Lord of the Rings if you give him the chance. When he and Pidge get together, they’re a force to be reckoned with.”

Keith giggled. “You’re one to talk, Mr. science nerd. You know every type of rock and cloud and star there is.”

Shiro nodded. “You’re right, but stars are just stars. You, though… Heath, I could listen to your son talk all day, about anything, and I’d never get bored. Never.”

Apparently, he’d finally stunned Keith into silence. Just until he’d said what he needed to say. 

“Keith plays with his hair when he thinks no one is watching, and he hums when he thinks no one is around to hear, and he does nice things even if he thinks no one will know about them. He’s the best pilot I’ve ever seen, braver than any other, loyal to a fault, and would never give up on his friends.”

“Shiro…” Keith breathed, and the soft hand that met his shoulder was scalding. Shiro plowed on.

“Your son is courageous, strong, and smart. He’s kind, passionate, and selfless. He’s self-sacrificing, always puts everyone else before himself. He’s so good.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.” Keith said quietly.

Shiro gulped. “But there’s more. Where Keith is involved in my life, it feels like there’s nothing… bad. Nothing greedy or impatient or scary. Sometimes there’s nervousness. Sometimes there’s frustration. Sometimes there’s sadness. But when I spend time with him, that all somehow changes into something else, and it’s something I spent a long time taking for granted… but I won’t anymore. I can’t anymore. We might be running out of time, and I’d never forgive myself if he didn’t know that I’m in love with him, too.”

Keith gasped, his body suddenly rigid against him. Shiro finally broke his gaze from the ceiling and directed it at Keith, hoping it was conveying his feelings with intensity. Keith’s amethyst eyes were wide and sparkling, completely stunning, and they stole every word from Shiro’s mouth save for a few. “I love you, Keith.”

Keith was painfully silent for a long moment, surprise evident on his face, but his breath gave everything away. It had taken on the labored, chopped pattern that precedes crying. Shiro, for once, didn’t feel nervous, but relieved and prepared to accept however Keith reacted. They’d unknowingly been turning to face one another, only halfway on their backs now. Ultimately, the tension snapped when Keith could no longer hold their stare and buried his face into Shiro’s neck, where he felt hot tears almost immediately. He crushed one arm between their chests and pushed the other between Shiro’s flesh arm and his ribs, clutching a fistful of Shiro’s t-shirt on his back to tug him closer. Shiro helped by winding his own arms around Keith and holding him tightly.

“I really hope these are happy tears.”

Keith’s laughter against his neck was the warmest thing he’d ever felt. Shiro nuzzled his cheek into the hair at Keith’s temple and hooked a leg around his.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“You’re such a fucking dork. I love you. God, I love you.”

To punctuate this, Keith pulled his arm from Shiro’s back and between their bodies, then planted that scalding hand on the back of Shiro’s neck, his thumb stroking the soft skin on the edge of Shiro’s jaw and under his ear. By the time Shiro’s brain caught up, Keith was looking up at him again with entire star systems in those dark eyes, and he felt the gentle brush of lips against his own. Shiro’s own hand moved almost of its own accord to cup Keith’s jaw and cheek, his thumb caressing the corner of those supple lips that he could just drown in. After a devastating eyeful of that perfect image, Shiro joined in on what Keith had initiated and closed the millimeters between their lips, his eyes falling closed. They kept the kiss slow and innocent but filled with passion, fueled by all these months - years - of yearning.

When Keith broke the kiss, panting, Shiro mourned and peppered light kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, his eyelids. Just cherished him, tried to repay Keith for all his silent suffering on his part.

“Stay here tonight.” Keith breathed. “I don’t want to… you know. I just want to be close to you.”

“Of course,” Shiro said, nodding before Keith had even finished. He wouldn’t worry about the rumors that would arise when he stepped out of Keith’s room before first meal. He could never deny Keith. And whether it was his own new feelings or Haggar’s meddling or his own forgotten memories that made him feel that way didn’t matter one bit. Not one bit.

Later, once they’d indulged in one another until their lips were bruised and Keith had dozed off on Shiro’s shoulder, Shiro had to retract his earlier thought, because now he wore the dorkiest smile ever. When he leaned away from Keith for a moment to tug the comforter out from under their legs, Keith stirred and clung to him sleepily, mumbling something incoherent. Shiro chuckled and pulled the blanket around their shoulders, and Keith began snoring lightly once again within a few seconds. Tuckered out himself, Shiro pressed his lips softly to the hair over Keith’s forehead, then neglected to move away and fell into sleep like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment your thoughts. Constructive criticism is welcome!


End file.
